14 Year Old Shoplifting

[TwoToTango]

Would appreciate some advice on the best way to deal with this situation.

Recently DS1 has stopped seeing a friend he has known since nursery. It turns out that it is because this friend has been stealing from one particular shop. DS1 said when he realised he ask his friend to stop because he doesn't want him to get himself into trouble. The friend said that he had tried to stop but couldn't. I suggested that I speak to the mother as, although we are not close I have known her for years and know that he got caught shoplifting 3 years ago. DS1 asked me not to as the friend will know it was DS1 who told me (my concern is that DS1 will not want to confide in me in the future if he thinks I will tell his friends parents).

I thought perhaps I could go and speak to the manager of the shop so that staff could keep a look out when he goes. That feels a bit cowardly though as he could get arrested and I would feel guilty that I hadn't spoken to his mother.

I don't want this lad to go down the wrong path in the future and feel I have to do something but not sure what is the best way to handle it. Any advice from anyone who has experienced anything similar would be appreciated.

[HolidayCriminal]

This one? Are there others?

[LastingLight]

Have you talked to DS1 about what will happen to the friend if he gets arrested? Tell him that if the friend's mum knows what is going on then she can take steps to help her son, otherwise he will just continue stealing and get into trouble. As DS1 what is more important - the friend getting the help he needs, or the friend knowing that DS1 kept quiet.

[TwoToTango]

Thank you LastingLight.
Yes I've talked to DS about the consequences for his friend - its part of the reason he's stopped seeing him as he's concerned he will be tarred with the same brush.

Weve spoken again today and he says he's going to tell his friend that if he doesn;t stop stealing then he will not be hanging round with him anymore.

Think I will have to speak to his mum.

[TwoToTango]

HolidayCrimimal - I don't think they army would sign up a 14 yo although I take your point

[Claybury]

If your DS really doesn't want you involved then my advice is your DS stays well away and you say nothing. The mother is likely to be aware seeing as you say he has previously been caught. I think your relationship with your DS is more important than you trying to help this boy. I know it sounds defeatist but I have had similar issues with my DS and his mates and drugs, and I have learnt not to speak to other parents - I would only do this if the mother was a close friend of mine. Your DS needs to know he can talk to you and trust you. He has shown good judgment in not seeing this friend and in talking to you - don't spoil this by going behind his back.

[HolidayCriminal]

So sorry, 2-toT, I was sure I posted that message on another thread, oops, which was definitely about 6th forms, sorry!!

ok, as to your problem, I think you're handling it well. No easy way forward.

[TwoToTango]

Thats ok HC and thanks.

Claybury - thaks for that, sounds like you've had a difficult time.
You are probably right but I have know this boy since he was 2 and although he has issues I never thought he would behave like this.
I am worried it may lead onto worse behaviour as he gets older.

[TwoToTango]

Just needed to post somewhere, I am quite upset.
I mentioned about the stealing to the lad's mum. She was embarassed and not totally suprised. I know they have spoken to him, not sure how he has been dealt with as DS been keeping away.
Today I have had 2 phone calls from people who recognised this lad as DS's 'friend'. He has been seen spraying a bus stop with spray paint and also using a large stick to hit a swan sitting on its nest (I was nearly in tears when I heard this)

I am starting to think he has serious issues - can someone please tell me this is not normal teenage behaviour.

[lljkk]

Sorry I didn't see your updates.
My 14yo is driving me crazy today so I came skulking into this topic to look for commiserations, today.

I don't know if I believe in normal. I was a slightly vandalising shoplifting teenager & I outgrew it all, honest. Any updates for your son?

[adeucalione]

I think that the vast majority of teenagers would not shoplift, vandalise or hurt an animal.

It may be behaviour he outgrows, but if I was his mum i'd be very worried and I hope she's taking steps to deal with it.

But I think your main priority is your DS - supporting his decision to move away from this boy, and making it clear to everyone that they are no longer friends.

You've told the boy's mum and, unless she specifically asked you to tell her if you heard anything else, I would leave it there for her to handle.

It sounds like your son is very sensible, and lovely that he can talk to you about it.