14yo dd too goody-goody?

[catwoman2000]

I have a really unusual question. My 14yo dd is very well behaved. She gets excellent marks at school (top of her class in a high achieving girls school), has a few hobbies (piano at grade 7/8, likes jogging, tennis, art). However, she is an only child and doesn't really socialise with people her age. Ironically, she is popular at school as she helps others understand things, helps them with homework, catch up when ill etc. But she refuses to meet her friends outside of school hours. Most of her hobbies are solitary, not in a club. She is not anti-social, as in she is very comfortable relating to everyone, but doesn't seem to enjoy it. She also is adamant that she will never, under any circumstances, drink alcohol, take drugs or go out with boys. She talks to boys very rarely (family friends and cousins mostly), and generally avoids them as she says that she finds boys boring. I am concerned that she won't be ready for the 'adult world'. All her friends go to parties, but she will never go as she says that they behave inappropriately. Is this ok?

[ElseaStars]

She will open up eventually. If your DD has good grades will uni be on the cards at some point. Lots of opportunity to get into trouble . Of course it's ok. Some 14 year olds are terribly behaved. Maybe she is an introvert? Have you spoken to your DD about your worries? She may of had a bad experience at some point that you don't know about.

[Jellaby]

Is she happy? That's all that matters.

Plenty of people go through life with modest interests. It might all change at uni, it might not.

I'd be fine as long as she is content.

[TheZeeTeam]

Does she know you are worried?

[dunsborough]

She sounds fine. Enjoy it.

I was like that at 14. By 16 I was flunking everything, drinking and smoking everything.
Stay alert.

[Theas18]

Honestly? Stop looking for things to worry about that might never be a problem !

Use the news and the fabulous " I read in mumsnet about.....and I was wondering what you though...." Gambit to talk through issues

(Eg " gosh I read on mumsnet that some mums buy alcohol for their 14 yr olds to take to parties and I didn't know what to think.....what do your mates do?" )

Keep communicating and you'll both be fine.

You certainly describe my eldest at 14. By 16 she had a modest social life but not really much before. Now she's about to do her finals and seems to juggle a lively Social life ( social secretary for her subject society )with a good academic path and a choral scholarship .

Actually reflecting on it DS found a social life at about 16 too...he's now 18 and seems to be the one holding the girls hair and coordinating taxis, rather than getting pissed regularly himself ( keep up the music/ tennis he tells me Saturday morning orchestra is a reason not to over indulge on fri night lol).

[TheVictorian]

She seems quite level headed and a smart kid.

[Naoko]

I was like that at 14. At 18 I went to uni, where I still didn't drink, smoke or do drugs, but did sharply develop a social life. At one point someone queried at a party why I wasn't drinking, and my best friend saved me the hassle of replying with 'because unlike the rest of us, Naoko doesn't seem to need to get pissed to have fun'.

Is she happy? If she's happy, I wouldn't worry. She sounds smart. Getting into troubke is not compulsory, and if she's smart and you're giving her the opportunity to experience the world (even if she's not necessarily accepting those opportunities right now) she will be fine.

[NeedAdvice2014]

She sounds like my lovely, sensible niece. She is now 16, a bit less introverted but still focussed. She has got interested in a boy now, of course she has chosen one who is sensible, respectful and academic.

I would keep lines of communication open and try not to worry or cross bridges before you come to them. If you decide on the teen drama route, I suggest watching Gilmore Girls. The themes sound relevant and it's quite enjoyable. Good luck!

[Chells]

You are SOOO lucky to have such a lovely, sensible girl! Long may it last!

To be frank, I was very similar as a teen and never did see the point of teen angst/drugs/drink etc.... Made more friends at uni stage, had a blast clubbing as the 'sober one' who was designated driver and had all the ammunition on drunken mates!!!
I Have a successful career, two gorgeous DC and a wonderful husband who finds it funny that I've never been drunk!

Maintain your good relationship, she sounds like a mature young lady who will be a credit to you and your family.

[Bumbershoot]

I was like this at 14 - very very straight laced. All went out the window by the time I was 16 though! IME it's not unusual for some earlier teens to have a slightly pious stage when they don't quite get all the things they're "supposed to" be doing yet - and then they get there. If not, lucky you, you've got a sensible one. As long as she's happy and not unable to cope with social situations (and it sounds like she is) I wouldn't worry too much.

[LongTimeLurking]

OP that sounds simply awful.

Perhaps you should buy her some alcopops and fags then send her out to the local yoof club to meet some nice boys.

[EggcupGoddess]

"She also is adamant that she will never, under any circumstances, drink alcohol, take drugs or go out with boys."

Haha, I was like this right up to the age of 18. However, I can reassure you that at university I got horribly drunk and lost my virginity just like everyone else.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

[basildonbond]

She's only 14 - there's more than one way to be a teenager you know ..,

My 14 year old ds would rather have his arms chewed off by crocodiles than go to a teen party, is not interested in alcohol or drugs. Maybe he'll change (would be surprised but hey...), maybe he won't ... He's got plenty of friends at school who he hangs out with online

Ds1(17) hasn't been to a party for months - he says they're full of people talking shit and if he goes he'll end up drinking too much and snogging someone inappropriate

[HolidayCriminal]

She sounds fine. Don't fix what isn't broken.

[specialsubject]

I've never taken drugs. I tried a bit of alcohol, didn't like the taste, didn't bother again.

I've had plenty of fun and hope to continue to do so.

you will notice what I haven't said that I've never done... ...

[foxdongle]

teenageness hit me late.
until 15 although very sociable, I was dead serious, anti drugs, make-up, fashion, smoking, alcohol, boys - the lot.
the parties I attended were tame.

then I hit 16

Tbh your dd sounds fine to me

[circular]

I agree with Theas18 - may never be a problem. As long as you keep communicating.

Seems those that have lots of hobbies are too wrapped in these to get up to much. and most of their socialising is around the hobbies.
Quite thankful when I heard some of the stories from DD1 from yr9 onwards.
DD1 is 16, her social life is mainly music ensembles, shopping trips / coffee with friends, round each others houses to make cakes. Occasionally cinema, bowling, museum, live concerts. Birthday celebrations more likely to be meals out. So even those that do socialise can do so quite sensibly.
Recently changed schools for 6th form, in a very large mixed friendship group, no house parties so far. Some of the group are couples, but DD never had a boyfriend.
She has the odd glass of wine at home but not really interested in alcohol, very anti-smoking.
Hopes to go to Uni. Whenever we discuss the possible 'Uni experience' of being away from home she seems uninterested in that aspect.

[jaysaway]

she is only 14 she will be fine my dds dont take drugs dd2 has never been drunk although I do allow her to drink on occasion and the whole party thing has just started although she never goes, dd1 was 15 before she went out with her friends she wasnt thatfussed really don't worry they dont all have to be pissed and snogging boys to know how to relate she will be fine,

[jaysaway]

and tbh i have seen some of the states these kids get into be careful what you wish for,

[jaysaway]

op there is lots of teenagers out there that are like this there is nothing wrong with it, dd2 nights out are cinema or nandos and home by 9 usually

[Cocolepew]

My 16yo DD is like this. She's much more comfortable with her own company. She's happy so I let her be.

[morethanpotatoprints]

My eldest was like this, he is 22 now and still pretty similar in personality although nearly married.
He hardly drinks at all and would rather taxi friends around and earn a bit
He has never been into large crowds and parties but can communicate well with all sorts of people.
I really wouldn't worry OP, if she is happy that is great.
Think how worried you would be if she was wasting her life at parties, getting drunk or taking drugs.

[stealthsquiggle]

I was the same at 14 (girls school included) and not much different at 17, and managed to develop a social life at Uni without going off the rails. I did drink and occasionally fall off my bike but I had friends who didn't and it certainly didn't stop them having friends and doing stuff.

One thing - a lot of my friends chose to go elsewhere for sixth form rather than stay at a girls school. A lot (not all) of them then did go off the rails somewhat, but then again so did some (less) of those who stayed. Everyone is different, but for me, 18 and at university was a better time to come out of my shell than 16 and still at home. The level of lying to parents about where you were that went on scared me even at the time, and there is none of that at university - however stupid you are being, there is no reason why your friends won't either be there too or at least know where you are.