At wits end with 18 year old.

(42 Posts)
WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 18:20:45

What should someone of this age be able to do?

-Pet taken away because forgets to feed and water. When forced to clean out contaminated bedding left all over bedroom floor, and walked through house. Bin bag of cleaned out stuft in room.

- unable to follow instructions such as turn oven off, wipe down worksurfaces, put dishwasher on.

- moved bedrooms because of the filth for new bedroom to be a dump within 4 days. Not capable of following simple instruction.

- finally gets the idea nothing clean to wear for work. takes item from machine dripping wet, places on cold radiator expecting to be dry within an hour

- takes rubbish out, drops and splatters in hall. Come back in and sits down. had forgotten about the mess

- finishes college and has no plans

LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 18:23:09

Sounds like my 15 year old. Are you sure there's no dyspraxia? He/she does sound very disorganised and clumsy.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 18:25:09

We wanted to get blood tests at 16 but he refused. He is a nice good lad but can't follow things through and forgets everything. keys, uniform, mothers day!

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 18:26:12

gp wanted to start with bloods.

Dancingqueen17 Thu 10-Apr-14 18:27:37

A lot more than that! I think taking the pet away was a good call. And sounds like you are letting them learn through consequence, i.e. washing takes time to dry. I'd stick to this. Make sure they know exactly how tasks are meant to be done, even simple things, demonstrate and leave written check list if required. Don't be afraid to pull them up on mistakes i.e. incomplete tasks and require them to stop what they are doing and correct the problem immediately. As for plans after college, provide suggestions and a sounding board but you may need to wait and let them experience boredom and being broke before they come up with their own ideas. Hang in there!

LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 18:29:38

He doesn't need blood tests for this, he needs an OT assessment smile

Have you tried writing things down on a board so that he can see how to plan things? Like washing up... wash the glasses first, then rinse them, then wash the mugs, then the plates? I have one for ds to help him see what to do when he gets up. It really helps and we're (mostly) getting to school on time at the moment as he doesn't need to remember what to do.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 18:45:43

Had years of written instruction. He ignores it. His device is blocked from the net, but still no improvement. His stuff is actually in a bin bag and in the bin because after years we no longer know how to get through to him. He missed two buses this morning to college.

Feel mean but nothing else will work.

He wont agree to any assessment.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 18:52:29

Do you have to be clumsy to have dyspraxia? Because he isn't. But I don't think he can think things through in a sequence.

LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 19:01:45

No, not necessarily clumsy. Disorganised is one of the flags though. Did he miss the buses because he wasn't up on time?

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 19:03:05

Yes.

LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 19:03:59

Is he struggling to get to sleep so knackered in the morning?

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 19:04:22

Well he could have made it if didn't try to perform same morning routine in shorter time.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 19:07:46

He hasn't said he can't sleep.

We have also helped loads for what to do after college but nothing. Went through uni courses, college, apprenticeships and jobs. Gave him sites etc and tried to listen to responses but didn't get much back.

Missed driving test cause lost licence which was in his top draw.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 19:09:50

Is it normal teen behaviour?

LadyMaryLikesCake Thu 10-Apr-14 19:12:11

Same morning routine? Will he not deviate to get out of the house quicker? Can he wake earlier?

No, it's not normal. It's 'normal' for my son only because he's dyspraxic.

NearTheWindymill Thu 10-Apr-14 19:16:01

Presumably he has been like this all of his life - or is this a new development. Mine's 19 and lives in a tip in spite of nagging; also loses things and doesn't do anything practical around the place unless I read the riot act. But the good outweighs the bad and he is focussed on his future

NearTheWindymill Thu 10-Apr-14 19:17:08

And should have asked too - is he focussed when it's on stuff he wants or just on routine stuff he can't be bothered with.

Enjoyingmycoffee Thu 10-Apr-14 19:19:01

What is his relationship like with others? Does he have many friends? A girlfriend?

VoyageDeVerity Thu 10-Apr-14 19:26:39

Yes I was going to ask does he have a girlfriend.

WhisperingShadow Thu 10-Apr-14 19:27:17

No girlfriend but has good friends. Always been like thisbut we are losing patience as he ages.

The only focus he has is his tablet and an odd drawing, generally of skulls.

He can't plan so wouldn't understand to move quicker ifwoken up late.

His idea when questioned recently about future plans was to have the summer off and just do his part time job for a while (10 hours washing up). College doesn't take up 5 working days.

NearTheWindymill Thu 10-Apr-14 19:28:35

Being able to wash up as a part-time job but not at home sounds very normal to me.

Agggghast Fri 11-Apr-14 07:34:22

If you have only just started getting tough you need to give it a while to sink in. It does sound as if he needs to realise he is 18. Have you told him to give you any keep? If he has left college he needs to start supporting himself. Plus if he can keep a kitchen job it sounds like he is making a choice to be unable to do basic chores at home. I was amazed you allowed him just to move out of his filthy room. It does sound that there is a lack of respect for you and your home rather than a medical problem, my Dd2 is dyspraxic and is clean, tidy and organised- with the help of her trusty notebook. It sounds like he is very immature and maybe has got away with things for so long cannot be bothered to change.

scarlettsmummy2 Fri 11-Apr-14 08:01:04

How did he do at school? Did they ever raise any concerns?

WhisperingShadow Fri 11-Apr-14 08:11:55

At school he got into a mess forgetting to hand in work and I spent months sitting at the table making him revise.

He has been like this for years. We have been doing thisfor years.

We moved the rooms around, he is in the box room nowand no longer has the large room. His stuff was bagged up and put in the loft. Clothes bagged and left in smaller room. Which was then ripped open and dumped on floor.

scarlettsmummy2 Fri 11-Apr-14 08:19:13

He might have an additional learning need, but now he has left school I would suspect that it would be hard to get a formal diagnoses. I have a foster son like this. We just work on a reward system and follow it through. But by rewards it is stuff like going to cadets/ ice skating as opposed to money as he really isn't bothered about that.

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