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Struggling with my two 13yr olds-Help please!

15 replies

troublewithteens · 04/04/2014 01:42

We have two 13yr old DS's, and I am struggling with them both more than i ever have in the past. Since starting High School they have totally changed from the fairly nice, polite obedient boys we loved into 2 boys we are struggling to cope with.
DS1 was doing extremely well at school, but now teachers say he is "coasting", is very disorganised, despite a lot of help and advice from us and school, and is ignoring homework tasks, then getting upset and angry when teachers punish him, especially as he doesnt accept he is not putting any effort in to things, and is now even more upset as he has been put on a class by class report book, which tbh, isnt really helping his general stress levels, but his school and ourselves think this is the only way forward now.
DS2 is just very angry with us, the world and everyone in it- period! He is doing ok at school, in fact, from a very shaky start last year, he has been improving, but, again, has issues with doing homework, which the school are picking up on, and with his general relationships with his fellow students. Anything we ask him to do or any reminders from us are just countered with very angry outbursts, including verbal abuse and occasional physical outbursts as well, especially towards his twin.
I am now conscious I am starting to nag about things, especially the homework situation, with both of them. I have provided them with everything they need to get it done, the school are punishing them, and they still don't seem to take on board they have have to do it. And anything we ask them to do, from the smallest household chore to cleaning their teeth is met with the same attitude, I am trying to bite my tongue, and not stress over the small stuff, which is hard!
They no longer go to any of their previous sporting extracurricular clubs, although they do still go to a youth group they belong to, they are also tending to neglect their beloved pets, leaving their care and exercising to us unless really nagged. Both will spend all their time on their various gadgets if we allowed them to, so we try to limit screen time, especially as we are struggling to get that homework done, but the only way to do that is removal, as they won't limit this voluntarily, and this is causing extreme outbursts especially from DS2. It is also the only way of punishing them as stopping their allowance hasnt made any real impact. They snipe at each other all the time, and often end up having all out physical fights. This, along with their general horrible attitude, is really getting to me and DH, in fact, the relationship between DS2 and his dad especially is at breaking point as he is so rude to his father.
Any advice/support will be gratefully received.

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beelights · 04/04/2014 09:12

Hello,

I am single-parent mum to teen twins (16 DS/DD). You have my sympathies. First of all, don't panic. It is horrible but normal. They are rearranging their identity in relation to you the parents and each other. The first throes of this is not pretty...I think it may be harder for twins as they have more work to do to establish individual identity. Try not to overreact or project worst-case scenarios for the future. You and DH need to hold a firm line on priorities (for me that was NO physical violence however minor, being civil, being safe, and some random tidiness things to create a baseline). I also set down a firm limit for screen time, ie, till 6pm each evening. There were major dramas at first, but eventually it became the norm. I also found having one treat night that they really looked forward to helped (eg Friday night fish and chips).

My two also gave up outside activities. I think this is also normal but with hindsight I would have tried a little harder to encourage them to get into something outside the house, whatever it was. As for school work, the naggy thing is very easy to fall into. It is a very fine balance between nagging and keeping structure. Nagging can affect your relationship with them and you want to keep talking to them and the communication channels open. I suggest the brilliant book 'Staying Connected to Your Teenager' by Riera. On the other hand, you need to keep a firm but gentle homework structure (set times, planner to sign off??) with some accountability, whilst leaving them to face the consequences of their (non) action. It is a hard balance which I am still trying to find...

I don't know your family situation, but what you are going through does sound very familiar. The good news is that it does pass, the bad news is that parents of twins (and especially combative twins I think) just have to gird their loins and decide how to handle it without panicking. It is a bit like developing a kind of warrior insouciance. When it is not serious but just gruelling, then you have to learn to laugh (to yourself!) at their awfulness. I would say that however hard it is, don't turn it into catastrophising (ha! you should see my threads here on MN!) and keep remembering that they are re-forming their identity, along with huge hormonal and psychological shifts and it is a messy process.

Good luck!