My 14yo dd is being harassed

(20 Posts)
Weegiemum Wed 02-Apr-14 17:28:00

My dd1 has just turned 14. Well behaved, polite (apart from the very occasional pmt fuelled shouting match!!), got fantastic reports at parents night, has a tight knit group of friends plus a wide circle of other friends, and recently, a boyfriend. He's been round for tea, nice boy.

One of her wider circle of friends has a thing for the boyfriend, which she told dd1 about via a 2am text at the weekend. Since then, this girl (who has been here for a sleepover, is pleasant and friendly) won't leave dd1 alone. The texting went on all weekend, and so many calls that she switched her phone off! Voluntarily!!!

There's all the usual she-said no she-said teenage crap (I used to be a secondary teacher with pastoral care responsibilities!), people taking "sides" etc which I usually let go ..... but dd1 is getting pretty distressed by it.

This afternoon dd1 went to her athletics club after school. She was out running for about 75 minutes and came back to 37 missed calls and a multitude of texts from the girl involved. It's upsetting her, she's tried talking calmly face to face, I've suggested that she shouldn't do this by text, there's too much scope for misunderstanding. The girl is spreading rumors that The Boyfriend really likes her, that none of the other girls (in their small school year - only 45 pupils) like dd1, lots of nonsense.

Dd1 has to deal with friendship issues herself, fall outs are common I know amongst girls her age. But the day-and-night texting and calling and facebooking is, I feel harassment. The girl has taken to using other peoples phones to get in touch.

Eventually, dd1 has told the girl to Fuck Off. That has worked for now, but the girl has threatened to go to the deputy head about this.

Dd1 has asked me to put it on here for advice!

realitygone Wed 02-Apr-14 17:31:41

What phone does your dd have? Some phones have a blocking option which blocks the number unwanted.

I think your dd needs to go in and speak to her head of year as clearly this girl is using her phone in class which shouldn't be going on if a teacher is supervising the class properly

BOFtastic Wed 02-Apr-14 17:33:09

I think I'd speak to the girl's parents- they need to be aware that their daughter is this distressed/obsessed, and you have to be clear that if the harrassment doesn't stop, you are prepared to involve the police (even if you aren't). Make them deal with it. You also need to let the school know, by contacting the Head Of Year.

BOFtastic Wed 02-Apr-14 17:34:14

This is too big for your dd to deal with on her own- she needs to bring in the Big Guns, ie, YOU.

Agree. This is serious. Not 'fun'. Teachers etc need involvement.

GreatUncleEddie Wed 02-Apr-14 17:40:25

Start by blocking the number and blocking her on Facebook. Then involve school if that doesn't sort it.

3littlefrogs Wed 02-Apr-14 17:45:43

I would think the HT needs to see the texts and screen shots of the FB messages.
Document everything.
Will the people whose phones were borrowed confirm this?

I think stalking and harrassment is an offence now,as is cyber bullying, so if you have evidence you could inform the police.

The girl doing the stalking sounds unwell and probably needs help.

3littlefrogs Wed 02-Apr-14 17:47:10

Also - there is no way I would expect my 14 year old to deal with this by herself. This goes well beyond the usual sort of friendship issues. It sounds very scary and you need to get in there and help.

Whereisegg Wed 02-Apr-14 17:48:27

I think you need to involve the school asap.
Do you know the girls parents?

If they are 'normal' you could consider talking to them.

Don't let your dd delete any texts or voice mail.
This is not a normal reaction even for hormone fuelled girls, this is BIG.

Whereisegg Wed 02-Apr-14 17:50:21

x post with 3.
Great advice, I nearly mentioned police but something held me back.
Tbh though, if it were my dd they'd probably be my second port of call after the school.

lisad123everybodydancenow Wed 02-Apr-14 17:55:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum Wed 02-Apr-14 18:02:38

I'm going to talk it through with dd1 and dh. Hoping to speak to school tomorrow.

Cocolepew Wed 02-Apr-14 18:05:24

I agree with BOF I would be speaking to her parents and informing her HOH, or someone else at the school.

YoDiggity Wed 02-Apr-14 18:08:51

Keep the messages take screen shots, go to the school and if you know who the parents are then show them. Tell them this is bullying and harrassment and if their daughter does not stop immediately you will go to the police.

3littlefrogs Wed 02-Apr-14 18:18:19

TBH I find it sad that you, as a former teacher with pastoral care experience, even have to think twice about this.

IME I have found pastoral care and handling bullying pretty hopeless.
My DC have experienced 4 primary and 2 secondary schools between them - all supposedly "good schools". Only one, a private prep school, had any inkling about how to deal with bullying.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this sort of thing needs dealing with firmly and quickly.

It seems to me that stuff goes on in schools that would never be tolerated in the work place or in adult life generally. Yet schools, and teachers, expect children to put up with it.

Weegiemum Wed 02-Apr-14 18:47:49

I do feel bad I had to ask.

I stopped teaching in a senior role when dd1 was 4, so have never dealt with the phone issue!

We will be contacting school in the morning. The texts/calls have continued. I'm not sure that the school can do much as most of the contact is out of school hours. I'm hoping to meet with the head, who is fantastic, before the Easter Holidays which start on Friday here.

I think I was just worried that I was getting it wrong - hard being a parent who has problems with dc in the area you are used to working in!

If she has a smart phone there are apps which can block numbers from calling/texting if the phone doesn't have that option. Copy everything/screenshot/download texts/etc to show to the school. Get the school heavily involved, find out if they have any cyber bullying talks happening soon (a lot of schools do these days).

It might be worth speaking to 101 about it just for some advice too.

NearTheWindymill Wed 02-Apr-14 19:09:59

Oh, your poor dd. I think this is tricky though. The bullying aspect relating to the spreading of rumours at school and amongst friends is a bullying issue in school time and needs to be sorted out as such. Unless the phone calls are being made in school time though I don't really think the school has any jurisdiction over it sadly and it is the sort of stuff they are being drawn into increasingly.

I think I'd approach it from the bullying angle with school and couch the phone stuff in the context of I appreciate this is a side issue as far as you are concerned and I'm sorry to have to trouble you with it but this many phone calls have been made during school time and here's the evidence and I believe it contravenes your bullying/digital communication policy. If the school doesn't want to get involved then I would inform them that you will be addressing it directly with the parents on the basis of one warning and if there is no improvement that you will be raising it with the police as a stalking/harassment matter.

Separately OP, and I have a nearly 16 year old girl, I would be worried if my dd had had a boyfriend at that age and we would probably all have taken the mick out of her and I would have read the riot act about underage sex, contraception, too serious, just be friends, etc.. It must be really hard and I'm relieved this hasn't happened for us yet.

I also agree with 3 LittleFrogs. My dd went to a top 100 comp for years 7 and 8 and we left because bad behaviour and bullying was not dealt with. Not bullying of DD but enough to cause her to feel scared because of what she was witnessing. The children's indy schools have had such things nipped in the bud in nano seconds and have never cast aspersions about it being the fault of anyone but the bully.

Whereisegg Fri 04-Apr-14 07:21:27

I hope the school was supportive op.

mrsjay Sat 05-Apr-14 11:28:05

how did you get on with the school girls at 14 are a PITA and do become obsessive and really annoying I am sorry your dd has this going on this other girl needs stopped and i think you are going the right way about it,

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