Keeping the lines of communication open.

(9 Posts)
Maryz Fri 11-Apr-14 15:48:07

It's a very difficult position to be in. In the past I've not allowed ds to go, and in your case I certainly wouldn't let her if you aren't collecting her (sleepover means parents won't find out anything).

Recently ds2 was invited to a party - he was honest and told me the parents would be away, he was 15, the party-giver was 16.

So I spoke to dd who is the font of all knowledge - her answer was interesting. She said to let him go on condition that (1) I collected him and (2) he promised not to drink and to call if there was any trouble.

She said one of two things would happen - either he would make an idiot of himself and drink, and then I could justifiably ground him and ban him from further parties. Or everyone else would be pissed, there would be trouble and he would voluntarily want to get out of there.

She was right - the police were called, ds called me and I picked him up early and brought him home. He says he doesn't want to go to any more parties - RESULT (as dd said).

He's almost 16, I can't force him to stay home any more - this way he learned a valuable lesson, I kept his trust, and all ended happily. Had I stopped him going, he would now be desperately trying to lie about a sleepover to go to the next one.

spudmasher Sat 01-Mar-14 14:24:32

Thanks all. The party is on the other side of London. It is a boys house. She intended to 'sleep' over....
I think I would have allowed her to go if it were closer to home......
She is still very frosty this morning, but I'm happy with the decision.
When she thaws out a bit I'll take her through the reasons for the decision and reassure of our trust in her. Soon there will probably be another invite and we will look at them on a party by party basis.
God, it was so much easier when she was tantrumming over which Disney princess she would be at 5th birthday parties!!,

chocoluvva Sat 01-Mar-14 11:43:04

I wouldn't let her go either - I know that wasn't the point of your post - but these gatherings often involve alcohol and IMO it would be irresponsible to allow unsupervised 15YOs to be drinking.

I think the best way to ensure she continues to tell you what she's up to is to be very calm and non-judgmental about the things she does tell you. "Friend X smokes, mum". You reply "That's a shame. Hopefully she won't get addicted." Etc (so much easier said than done). Iam very bad at this.

Also to try to find ways of compromising as much as possible and let her know you're glad that she has a good, social life and is happy - so she doesn't think you're a killjoy for the sake of it IYSWIM.

sandyballs Sat 01-Mar-14 11:31:55

You've done the right thing from what I've heard about 15/16 year old parties round here unsupervised. Kids pissed out of their heads, shagging in corners whilst others take photos. I'm not suggesting they are all like this but I'd be careful.

eatyourveg Sat 01-Mar-14 11:27:16

Is it a Y11 party ie 15 turning 16? If so, I would let her go and arrange a pick up time of your choosing rather than hers. If its not a 16th then I would keep her at home and let her order a pizza with her friends (assuming they are not going to the party either) or give her the option of going but she needs to keep her phone on as you will be ringing during the evening to make sure she is ok (don't tell her when)

I think I would be minded to let her know that I might drive past the house if it was a 15th party just to make sure there were no drunken teenagers being sick on the front lawn.

finallydelurking Sat 01-Mar-14 11:14:01

As an alternative viewpoint, if her behaviour up until now has been OK, I would allow her to go. I would have a long boring discussion beforehand about drink,drugs,sex etc and keep in text contact. I would also make it v clear this is a test of responsibility and if it goes wrong there won't be a next time for a very long while. The risk with the 'No' option is the possibility of deception the next time an opportunity arises for her. Good luck.

spudmasher Fri 28-Feb-14 22:23:18

Tomorrow night.
Good ideas about having some friends here. She's so good at keeping us informed, I just want to keep it that way.

Misfitless Fri 28-Feb-14 22:09:22

Is the party tonight?

Maybe you could have a few of her friends round soon for a pizza night or something in another night instead?

Re next time, the same rules apply!

spudmasher Fri 28-Feb-14 20:53:33

So...she wanted to go to a party. She is 15. The rule is, I need to speak to the adult in charge. She diligently gave me the number. I called and the adult in charge informed me they were away for the weekend and there was no adult supervision.
So, the next rule is that there needs to be a responsible adult there, so the outcome was that we said no to the party.
She is now in a strop and we are, obviously, the worst parents in the world.
Any ideas for keeping the communication open? She has been very honest with us this time. We said no....next time...Im not sure what she will do. Any advice / experience?

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