Mobile Phones

[Mumoftwodaughters]

My 14yr old daughter has a mobile with 3g internet access inherited from her older cousin. She does not like it to leave her side. She has put on a password and I have not put on any parental controls. We are on O2. Can anyone advise what parental controls I can put on, how I can get round her password. I would also like to load on Spybot. I have the rare opportunity of having the phone with me today as she did not put it on charge at the agreed time last night (probably hid it in her bed), and would really like to sort this stuff out.

[NinjaLeprechaun]

I wouldn't try to 'get round' her password, I'd tell her that a condition for her having a phone is that she tells you what her password is. When my daughter was that age I had her passwords for everything, that was non-negotiable. Even if you never/rarely check what's there, just knowing that you might should keep her more or less in line.

[Nocomet]

I don't know my just 13 year olds pass words, I did once, I've forgotten them. I almost never bothered looking at her phone once she left primary. Why should I?

A 1000 silly Kik messages and instagram photos are no more my business than my MN postings are her's.

I don't listen to her conversations on the school bus, at dinner or on the landline at home.

She goes on sleep overs to people I scarcely know house's and no doubt uses their laptops to FB which she hasn't got here.

Honestly OP by 14 you will gain nothing by asking for passwords and loose an enormous amount by not showing you trust your DD.

[Picturesinthefirelight]

I disagree

Dd was the subject of text bullying & death threats from children at her previous school. Ds has also had people try & contact him via Minecraft servers in I appropriate ways.

Me having access to the phone meant the situation could he dealt with quickly & by an adult.

Privacy is all very well but safety comes first. No password no device.

[NinjaLeprechaun]

Nocomet I very rarely actually checked either - I would peek at her email every so often, but not read the messages.
Giving me her passwords didn't seem to bother her at all, trust isn't a one-way relationship after all, and she's left herself logged on to various social media on my computer a few times. Of course, this is a kid who still doesn't have or want a smartphone at eighteen, so maybe she's just odd.

[Nocomet]

I can't see how it would help, to know if DD2 was being bullied I'd have to read and understand all her messages and her cryptic pictures and know the social interactions of her entire class. Life is too short.

I'm way more likely to spot something is wrong from the way she behaves and she is far more likely to talk if she feels she can trust me.

Even if I found something on her phone I could never tell her I'd seen it, she'd explode and clam up totally. She will talk, in her own time.

(DD1 has always got *bullied, doesn't do social media, doesn't give her mobile number to anyone except very special friends. Would also hate being spyed on, but would accept it was for her own good had DH or I ever felt it necessary.

*she's a quirky dyslexic, she's never fitted in from nursery. She has a few very special friends, very thick skin and a school who have always been great if they go to far. Gradually through Y9-11 her social skills have improved and her class mates have mellowed and mostly they rub along these days. It wasn't always so.)

[Mumoftwodaughters]

I guess its the parental controls bit that I need to get to grips with. Is she spending endless time looking at inappropriate stuff? She goes totally spare when her phone is not with her all the time (but very active & does lots of stuff outside). She has food issues & has lost a lot of weight. I want to be sure she is on the right tracks. Main Problem: She will go to endless lengths to try to keep her phone beyond 8pm which causes friction every evening in the household. Her younger sister is far less addicted.

[NinjaLeprechaun]

she is far more likely to talk if she feels she can trust me.
Which is why I suggested being up front about the password instead of trying to get around it behind her back or installing some sort of spy program. (That last one makes my skin crawl, frankly.)

I don't really think it's a matter of not trusting them, but let's face it a 13-14 year old doesn't always have the social awareness or decision making ability to stay clear of people who actually can't be trusted.
And maybe it's because I'm old just me, but I can't think of a single conceivable reason why a child that age should have a smartphone.

[NinjaLeprechaun]

That should say 'should need', because I'm sure that they'd argue that really wanting one is a perfectly valid reason to have one.

[Gymbob]

Me knowing her mobile phone and Facebook password is a condition of her having the privilege.

It's not about privacy for Christ's sake! Its about keeping them safe. They are not yet experienced enough in life to keep themselves safe. You take it from me, those of you who do not monitor your child s online activities should be. Some of not would be mortified.

My dd was groomed over her mobile and CID said she was probably 9 to 12 months away from him wanting to meet her.

She lost her phone again last night for breaking the rules she agreed.

Apart from anything else - when I log onto Facebook at midnight all her school mates are still on posting crap. Just what's needed on a school night.

oh and no phones allowed upstairs

[mumeeee]

My DDs are all in there 20's now. They didn't have mobiles at 14 so didn't have to monitor them. However I did at that age monitor internet use on the computer and if they had been given a mobile I would expect them to let me have their password although I'm sure I wouldn't routinely have looked at it. We had parental controls on the computer and these were relaxed as they got older but they still had some at 14.

[chocoluvva]

I think it's probably better to educate your DCs about internet dangers than to ask for a password. They need to have some privacy IMO and I say this as a poster frequently described as 'over-involved'!

It's a really good idea to have a phone curfew though. They take their phones to bed and stay on them till the small hours IME,

[adeucalione]

I don't think you can get around the password - it provides security in case of theft, so an easy work around would render it pointless surely?

I would suggest being upfront and asking, but there's not a lot you can do if she refuses to give it to you (other than cancelling her contract or confiscating the phone).

[Mumoftwodaughters]

She's going abroad to distant destination soon on her own so confiscating is not an option ... Smartphone for her is a wonderful tool for communicating with all her friends, especially on the long bus journey to and from school. She does homework on the bus to save time at home, and the phone helps her reference in this. She also sometimes communicates with me on her way to school about stuff she has forgotten/queries. Mostly she likes the video facility to record all her riding exploits and is well-followed for her video recordings!

Adiecalione: Passwords would not be removed but ideally shared. Gymbob: agreed, I am amazed to see friends on FB late at night. However, sometimes my children are asleep and devices turned off, yet still showing on-line. Beware that particularly with mobiles this delayed reporting is misrepresentative.

[Mumoftwodaughters]

Oh, and DD did say that she doesn't want me to see her private conversations with her friends. "How would I like it if she was able to see my conversations".

[SilverViking]

Yes to knowing pass words and cracking at that age! From experience, several sensible trustworthy children I know have got involved in "murky" situations.
One of our daughters was involved in a group conversation, that was a bit on the rude side with some friends, and male friends of friends. A couple of months later, when checking, the conversation had turned completely sexually explicit. Although DD not making contributions, the group were egging themselves on, and one boy on particular posting topless photos of girls (including home photos). Turns out he was 16, while all the girls all 13 / 14!
Made me realise that grooming is not reserved for adults.
So yes, check for your Childs safety. DD was very open in talking about it afterwards, knew it was wrong, but stayed in the group conversation because it was a bit if a trill, plus she didn't want to look bad in front of her friends by leaving it!

[SilverViking]

I don't listen to her conversations on the school bus, at dinner or on the landline at home.

Its a very different world now, and that world can come interactively into your house... Which brings amazing opportunities but also serious threats!

The good advice is never write down or pass on things on the internet that you wouldn't want to say or show your granny!

(granny can't hear conversations on the bus or with your friends!!)

[Mumoftwodaughters]

Thanks for all your advice. I will have to crack the password, which will be difficult as I have let a year pass by with not doing that tbh. Ditto younger daughter on an mp3 which gives internet access. Love the advice SilverViking. They can relate to that as Grandma lives with us!

Does anyone have any comment on how to filter out inappropriate content on searches on smartphones? Don't really know where to begin.