Need some perspective on 15 year old ds

(24 Posts)
bunjies Fri 21-Feb-14 07:54:11

Is my ds a lazy arsed & feckless or a normal 15 year old boy?

He never goes out unless forced to. Would spend all day in front of a screen if had the chance. "Forgets" to do things we've asked him to including homework. Doesn't socialise with friends outside of school. Won't go anywhere (like parties, gym, cinema, town) unless he's driven. He will read if screens are not an option but easy stuff like Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus stuff. In fact he seems a bit obsessed & has started reading fan fiction about it.

He is academically doing well but it's a struggle to get him to revise, do homework etc, but he does ok in tests.

I really need some perspective on this as I have no real terms of reference as the only other teenager in the family is my cousin's 16 year old dd who seems to go out all the time (& is an academic genius). When I was his age I would take the bus to the nearest shopping centre at the weekends, go to the library, see friends etc.

Should we be making him do more outside of the home? We don't allow internet in bedrooms and they all have to come off screens at 8pm. Basically from the time he gets home from school (always before 4) & at weekends/holidays he's in the house.

Aagh It's driving me mad. Any thoughts? Is this the life of a 15 year old?

bunjies Fri 21-Feb-14 07:56:13

When I say he doesn't socialise with friends outside of school I mean he doesn't meet up with them at their homes or in town etc.

My DS was like this but it was definitely unusual then and he is still unusual now - I think he's wonderful but I can see that an outsider might think he's a bit odd.

However, your son is who he is. He's 15 - if he wanted to be doing stuff outside the home he would be. Is he reasonably happy? doing OK at school?

Iseenyou Fri 21-Feb-14 08:06:39

Hi, it does seem to be not uncommon - there are quite often discussions here about teens not going out and socialising.
The general consensus is - if they're happy, that's fine. Yes there are the other category who are out a lot, but it does seem as though these days it is quite usual to stay in. Partly because there is so much more to entertain at home, with computer games, internet and so on - so it is less boring than in our day! Must admit i would try to encourage him to do something outside (sports club? Martial art?) but by 15, if he doesn't want to he won't!

lljkk Fri 21-Feb-14 08:43:35

Sounds awfully familiar, OP. I have a 14yo DS. Mine does ATC, at least (sporadically).

BerylThePeril44 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:48:58

Socializing is different for this generation...they do a lot of it online! Whereas we had to go out to see/chat with friends. My son went through this at 15 and I was a bit worried. Now at 18, going out a lot more with friends / girlfriend, but still spends lot of time online (hopefully studying !!!! )

cory Fri 21-Feb-14 09:05:46

I didn't socialise much at age 15; I simply hadn't managed to find friends (only exception had a best friend and was very taken up) who were at all like me or shared my interests or were prepared to meet me halfway, so socialising was a question of always having to pretend to be somebody else. I coped a lot better socially once I had left school.

BuzzLightbulb Fri 21-Feb-14 09:19:33

Soon as I read the first line of your post I thought no he's normal!

As has been said if he's joined to his phone or on Xbox live all the time he is socialising.

My son was the same, he wouldn't have gone out much if his two best friends hadn't lived round the corner. Then things started to change in 5th & 6th year (equivalent to 6th form in England), he got measurably more mature and his social circle seemed to develop overnight. Last year at school was the making of him.

He's now the most gregarious, outgoing young man.

bunjies Fri 21-Feb-14 10:00:28

Thank you all.

Thinking about it he's glued to a screen but not in a social way. He watches endless YouTube videos but doesn't really spend much time on social networks. We had to bab minecraft as it turned him into an aggressive zombie if that makes sense. His only real interest outside if watching videos us making them but on his own.

Fontofnowt Fri 21-Feb-14 10:09:30

Mine is 17 and is actually going outside today.
You would think he was going to bloody Mozambique the amount of fuss he is making.

The reason he is going out is to sleep at his friends because we took his tv out of his room for bad grades.

Fontofnowt Fri 21-Feb-14 10:12:50

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00F3HXHY6/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1392977448&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX110_SY165

We bought him this last year and he wasn't slightly fazed.

Glass half full etc at least we know where they are!

Bowlersarm Fri 21-Feb-14 10:14:38

Yes I have one of those. Seems a bit of a sad existence to me. I am very happy to drive him around to mates or activities, but he just has no interest in doing anything outside of the house.

Our DC don't have technology in bedrooms either, so at least he has to be in the main part of the house 'amongst' us, which is something.

I think he sounds a normal to lovely boy.

Many mums would want to swap to have your problems - look he reads books and he is not hanging about getting into trouble.
And he is fascinated by ancient Greek mythology not self harm & suicide!

I don't know why you want him to go out at 15 - what should he be doing, where would he go - and how much would it cost!

As for mocking the Percy Jackson books... just because they are easy enough for a 10 year old to read that doesn't mean they are unsuitable or too easy for a 15 year old. I have read them all and would encourage children to read them. They are esp ideal for reluctant readers. They deal with so many issues so very well and are very educational too.

He has an interest and I would encourage it - I would suggest films on line by Bettany Hughes (there are some available free online via her website). Go to museums covering Greek and Roman stuff (British Museum in London). Suggest he reads the Odyssey and Labours of Hercules. Watch the films 300 and Troy and then reads on line about what is "true" in those films and what is "fiction" created by the director.
Also anything about the ANTIKYTHERA SHIPWRECK eg this short film about an Archimedes style mechanical artifact: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRPiQK57ZPs

As for forgetting everything.
Don't just tell him what to do, write it down and possibly set an alarm clock to remind him to stop the screen gazing so he can get on with his chores.

Sounds very much like my 15yo DS. He does the majority of his socialising online via xbox.

IM limited E it seems that the ones who are into girls - either wanting or have got a girlfriend do the town / party / meeting up thing, and the ones that aren't fussed are happy with online gaming, being dragged from their room occasionally under sufferance.

DS1 is like this although he's a big League of Legends player so actually is talking to his friends via that a great deal of the time (even if it's about their armour class rather than anything else grin) I didn't really go out out that much at 15 either - I started more when I was 16/17. He has to play in the communal areas too, so at least we see him, or at least the back of his head. He's doing the NCS residential thing in July, so I expect things will start to change after that (or not, he's happy and balanced and can socialise if required so I'm not worried and he's planning on buggering off to Uni in 2.5 years so I'm happy to enjoy having him here whilst I can!)

anywinewilldo Fri 21-Feb-14 16:24:14

I could have written your post word for word. Ds is 15 too. Lovely, doing well academically, but never wants to do anything other than PS3 or mine craft. He hasn't been out of the house since last weekend (half term here)! Sigh....

I do think that because he's pretty shy, it will take more time for him to find his feet socially, so I'm hoping he will come out of his shell as he gets older.

yourlittlesecret Fri 21-Feb-14 16:31:39

My 15 year old rarely goes out but he does socialise on line and skype. Hard to understand as it's so different from when I was young but he is happy.
Your DS sounds fine to me.
Actually I think you are being quite tough insisting on no screens after 8pm and no computer in bedroom for a 15 year old.

We had no computer/internet in the bedroom until DS1 got a tablet for his 16th last week - then I had to relax it for him. Either I trust him now or I assume that all the years talking to him about the problems with porn and appropriate behaviour online and everything else have been pointless.

sanschocolat Fri 21-Feb-14 17:34:09

Arf at Mozambique comment grin

Lovely post by MrsTaraPlumbing

If it's any consolation bunjies my nephew was exactly the same until he hit the sixth form. He'd never found it easy to make friends before that point, then he sort of 'branched out' and started going over to friends houses and going to parties etc.

He is now going absolutely wild at university

Travelledtheworld Fri 21-Feb-14 18:55:35

Yep mine is exactly the same, drives me crazy.
He is clever and handsome and seems quite happy wasting his life playing Civilisations with his school friends but never wants to meet up with them or have them come round here.

He never goes out unless forced to. Would spend all day in front of a screen if had the chance. Yep, although he does like baking.

"Forgets" to do things we've asked him to including homework. Yes, but this is improving.

Doesn't socialise with friends outside of school. Yep

Won't go anywhere (like parties, gym, cinema, town) unless he's driven. No, he's happy to walk or take the tube.

He will read if screens are not an option but easy stuff like Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus stuff. Yep, certainly nothing 'literary' or demanding.

In fact he seems a bit obsessed & has started reading fan fiction about it. No, but this sounds quite creative to me.

He is academically doing well but it's a struggle to get him to revise Yes, but this is improving in some subjects where he has started GCSE courses and has something to aim towards.

moodymia Fri 21-Feb-14 22:37:07

Interesting! My DS is 15 and is very similar, but he has AS so has additional complications. Has barely left the house this half term and only goes to the cinema with DH and me. Loves writing fanfiction too. Doesn't really socialise, even online, but watches lots of Youtube videos (mostly of gameplay). I'd put a lot of this down to his AS and was despairing of him, so it's encouraging for me to hear it's not too uncommon!

Academics have slipped a bit in our case though, not feeling optimistic about university.

Bumply Fri 21-Feb-14 22:54:16

Snap
Ds1 has just turned 16 and I could have written your post.
Has good friends at school, but no desire to socialise with them outside if school (other than online via Keague of Legends etc.)
Reads a lot of Manga.
No desire to go anywhere with me and ds2. Only films he's seen in past two years were hobbit part 1 and 2.
He only agreed to go on holiday with us last year if I didn't make him do any sight seeing, and this year he's completely refused to join us.
Seems perfectly happy with his life though.

bunjies Sat 22-Feb-14 17:42:26

I do feel somewhat reassured that ds is "normal" after reading all the posts not that I think it's great.

I am stunned that he actually left the house & came to the cinema with me & the dds yesterday to see the Lego film of all things shock & enjoyed grin.

I do understand that the 8pm cut off is a bit harsh & this may well be relaxed.

We're just a bit worried that this is a symptom of something else like, depression.

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