Just found out DD's had sex

(56 Posts)
BeyondStressed42 Mon 17-Feb-14 19:32:08

I'm in an absolute whirlwind right now!
Should probably start out with a bit of background:
DD is 15 (16 in a couple of months) and has been going out with her boyfriend (who is 16) for around 6 months now. Her bf seems a lovely boy who seems to care greatly about dd. They are very close and go out every weekend into town just the two of them and then meet up with friends later, go to each others houses during the week, parties etc. Today DD and bf went into town so she could get her dad a birthday present and then went back to his house to watch a film (I should have known that this sounded too good to be true), about 10 minutes ago I just received a phone call from bf's mother saying about how when she got in from work that she had walked in on them having sex, she was angry and told them to get downstairs immediately for a chat. She also said to dd that she would be ringing me to tell me about what had happened (which I am grateful for). She is driving her home now.
I am in shock right now and feeling a mixture of emotions, DD will be home soon but I have no idea how to approach this. I was expecting their relationship to turn physical soon but not right at this minute.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated on how I can approach the subject.

Oh btw I should probably also point out that dd is a sensible girl, gets good grades at school, sporty and I have drummed safe sex and boundaries into her since she was 12/13. We also have a very good relationship where she can come and talk to me about anything.

Thanks confused

NobodyIsHere Mon 17-Feb-14 19:35:23

brew
Don't have advice but have a daughter and dread when her time comes.
At least he seems to be a good guy from a good family.
My first bf whom I had sex with was a piece of shit and this wasn't a nice experience...

MrsWolowitz Mon 17-Feb-14 19:35:34

I don't really have advice but I totally understand why you are upset. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think 15 is very young to be sexually active.

How are you going to broach this with her? Take a deep breath.

georgeousgeorge Mon 17-Feb-14 19:35:48

personally I'd give her a hug when she gets in, I'm sure she's mortified at being caught!

then chat gently with her later to make sure it was "safe"....

arabellarubberplant Mon 17-Feb-14 19:36:46

Oh dear.

Well, good luck. I guess you have to be calm and reassuring, and continue to chat to dd about physical relationships, and potential outcomes, and whether this is the right time for them (and the 'what-if's)

I'm guessing that the bf's mum is going to insist on chaperoned and supervised dates for a while... And that he'll get the 'ruining your life if you get any girl pg at this point' talk tonight.

I'm betting they'll make sure they won't get caught again...

Ok, am a long way off this so cannot pledge to be very calm when we get there BUT
She is in a stable 6month relationship
You say her bf seems lovely and cares greatly about her
She was at their house, sober, not in a car, or outside, or drunk, or otherwise vulnerable
You say she is sensible, her school work is not suffering from this relationship, and she is educated about safe sex
His parents are cleraly on the button as well

Not ideal age, but pretty much everything else is what I would hope for my daughter when SHE makes the decision. So I htink you can talk about whether it was her decision, the fact that no contraceptive is 100 per cent, the fact that just because you do it sometimes doens't mean you have to do it everytime, the fact you don't have to do everything he wants to do, the fact that you should never ever allow photos or videos you mind not want online/seen by anyone else.... But I don't think you it's time to tell her not to have sex, that horse has bolted.

A hug a kiss then a chat

DownstairsMixUp Mon 17-Feb-14 19:40:20

Oh dear. The thing is she isn't far off 16 so it's hard to not go totally mental. Do you think maybe the Mum is concerned as she is still underaged boy the boy is not? Either way I agree with what someone else said above, I can see the other Mum making sure they are more "supervised" now. To be fair to, he sounds like a nice guy, they have waited 6 months to which is a fair bit of time so they both sound like good kids. All you can do is be supportive and make sure she was safe.

Helpyourself Mon 17-Feb-14 19:41:45

I would assume that a 15yo and 16yo who had been dating for 6 months and who were unchaperoned would have sex.
I agree with gorgeous. Give her a big hug, acknowledge that this is excruciatingly embarrassing, and have the big talk tomorrow about STDs pregnancy and contraception.
flowers

stoopstofolly Mon 17-Feb-14 19:44:11

Firstly, can I say you sound reasonably calm, which is the best reaction... Shouting/ crying will get you nowhere. You have a great relationship with your DD and need to build in this- talk to her without recriminations, check that they were using contraception, check that she was happy to do it and wasn't coerced or bullied. Also- this could perhaps had been her first time, which (interrupted by BF's mum) could have been traumatic.
She sounds sensible, and the relationship with BF isn't a short one. 15 is not ideal, but I think you'll find turning back the clock very difficult. You need to be clear in your head what you want: do you want to tell her to stop having sex altogether until she's 16 (unlikely she'll do this, and it could lead to her lying to you) or do you want to discuss boundaries (e.g not in your house etc)
The best approach is to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck.
(Ps- this was my Mum's approach, almost 20 years ago... We're still very close)

Bowlersarm Mon 17-Feb-14 19:46:05

It is quite normal. Although also a shock when you have the proof.

Agree with the hug, and then chat, calmly. Keep the avenue of communication open between the two of you.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 17-Feb-14 19:47:15

I don't think there's much you can do now, except to continue drumming the safe sex message into her and maybe offering to accompany her to your GP for a chat about birth control options.

Fwiw I started sleeping with my long term boyfriend at 15, we were together until we were 21 and very much in love. It's not something I regret at all and I don't look back and think we were too young or stupid.

My mum found out when she discovered a pack of birth control pills in my bedroom and told me that while she thought we were too young, she was glad at least that we were being sensible and taking precautions, and she gave me a big hug.

CeliaFate Mon 17-Feb-14 19:47:54

Oh Christ. Ok, a milestone moment, but she's in a loving relationship and presumably wasn't under pressure and wanted to have sex.

The major concern obviously is contraception.

If they were using birth control, then I'd take a deep breath and accept that she's in a committed relationship.

BitsinTatters Mon 17-Feb-14 19:48:54

Yes big hug and no shouting

Good of the bf mum calling you smile

Good luck

HandN Mon 17-Feb-14 19:49:31

15 isn't young now a days, they have been together 6 months and you say he's nice. You've had the safe sex talk etc, I understand why your upset but I wouldn't really worry.

She's probably really embarrassed bless her.

Have a cuppa and a chat, I'm sure she'll ease your worrying smile

For what its worth there are threads on here about what age mners lost their virginity, most were 14-16 I believe smile

She is probably hugely embarrassed about being caught, maybe approach her with sympathy?
Obv you need to make sure she is safe etc but if I was her I would be mortified and worried about how you would react.

Give her a hug and save the questions for a few mins while she calms down.

sinningsaint Mon 17-Feb-14 19:51:48

Just give her a hug when she comes in and comfort her as i am assuming she will be absolutely mortified! Maybe later on tonight or tomorrow just re-iterate what you have taught her about safe sex and if she isn't already help her get on some more reliable contraception, whether it be simply calling the doctors or going the whole way with her. Last but not least, you may not think so right now but be proud she lost her virginity with someone who seems to care about her and is responsible, not whilst drunk at a party!

X post gorgeousgeorge!

LyndaCartersBigPants Mon 17-Feb-14 20:10:26

What TwelveLegged said, it sounds like (other than age) it's about as good a start as you could wish for your daughter, so be thankful for that and make sure she knows that she can talk to you about any concerns she has.

Roussette Mon 17-Feb-14 20:22:13

Bearing in mind the awful experience some girls have when they lose their virginity, I think the fact your daughter has done this within a 6 month relationship with someone who is nice, there is nothing to worry about. If you treat it like something awful, it will be awful.

MmeMorrible Mon 17-Feb-14 20:22:25

Is it just me that feels really sorry for the DD? I hope that wasn't her first time, being caught at it by your boyfriends mother must have been mortifying.

Lots of tea, sympathy and understanding, followed later by a with gentle conversation to ensure safe sex was practised.

FannyFifer Mon 17-Feb-14 20:25:15

God the poor girl, other mother totally overreacted.

Comfort her,give her hugs I'm sure she is mortified.

I would be annoyed with the boyfriends mums reaction tbh.

specialsubject Mon 17-Feb-14 20:27:50

oops. Oh well, the horse has bolted here so time to stop it causing an accident.

first, it's what we are all here for so agree with her that while this is cringe-central, you need to ensure she is safe.
second, if they weren't using contraception it's off for the MAP ASAP.
third, make sure she listened to the safe sex stuff; that means condoms always and ideally pill as well. And that she does know that withdrawal, standing up etc don't work.
finally, if she was happy with this and consenting then there's nothing else to be said.

then, have a chat on your rules in your house. Good on you for being an approachable mum.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 20:31:33

I hope the boy's mum was subtle when she realised what was going on...

I can understand her concern about your daughter being under age but why the need to ring you and drive her straight home? Are they a very 'straight' family? Have you met his parents before?

NotBrittaPieHonest Mon 17-Feb-14 20:36:03

With a long term boyfriend of about her own age, both nice responsible teenagers at and only just below the legal age is pretty ok really. Embarrassing and obviously weird (my two are loads younger and the idea of them doing more than announcing they are going to marry random classmates is odd) but much better than the older predatory internet/nightclub men that me and most of my school friends lost our virginity to.

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