Anyone else really struggle with the thought of their Daughters having sex?

(62 Posts)
shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:20:17

I think I may have hugely over reacted so come in here for a wet fish slap/reality check or some reassurance advice - anything is good!

My daughter to be fair IS 17 so I know I should at least be happy she waited and wasnt/isnt 14/15 like some of her peers.

She had her first "proper" boyfriend late ast year, only together a month and of course, I understand its natural for her to want to dtd with him however much I struggle with the idea

I was a little disapointed or saddened that 1) he wasnt someone she was with very long 2) she decided to lose her virginity to him at a party (probably whilst drinking) and 3) she didnt seem to be THAT into him, definatley not in love sad but ok, I coped with it, I know its normal for her to experiment and she is legal etc. Still felt very sad and funny about it but...

Next, I come home unexpetedly, thinking she is alone on Xbox to find her in bed with this disgusting grungy looking skater type boy who obviously is in need of a wash. He's a known pot head, they are not going out and it appears to be just casual sex.

I kick him out and sit DD down for another chat to be told, EVERYONE does it, ALL my friends have had sex with LOADS of people and that im "lucky" she has waited so long and at 17 its NONE of my business and she can do what I like. All the while smirking at me while I feel physically sick at the thought of my precious daughter all clean and innocent (once upon a time!) with THAT boy with his hands all over her and worse!

We had a row, she flounced off and did not come home. She thinks I over react to everything, I think Im being a normal Mum who is trying her best - but failing to guide and steer her child into adulthood, who wants her to have respect for herself and not be having meaningless, loveless and dangerous sex even if she is nearly an adult.

All evening cannot get the image out of my head, am I over reacting please? How do other Mums feel about their DD having sex anyway, I think Id be ok if it were with someone she had been with a while and had real feelings for, who I knew would treat her kindly etc. But this? Im so sad and actually quite shocked and even a little bit disgusted with her that she looks like she is giving it away to anyone and is going to very quickly get a reputation as the local slapper if she isnt careful(sorry I know thats probably wrong) sad

Pantone363 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:25:47

TBH I think you are overreacting.

17 is virtually an adult. She isn't suddenly unclean because she's had sex with a boy you think looks grimy. And she was probably smirking out of embarrassment.

annieorangutan Sun 12-Jan-14 09:31:05

I hope both my dds to have random shags and be with more than one person in their life. Its the vest way to find out what you want and have a fulfilling sex life imo. Look how many women on here put up with substandard sex, and it comes from attitudes like yours. I would be more embarassed to think like you than to be your dd.

shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:33:14

Thanks Pantone for the reply.
I think maybe it is me with the problem then toward sex then. I just want her to be in a loving relationship is all, and not be having casual sex. Is that really over reacting? confused

annieorangutan Sun 12-Jan-14 09:35:00

You sound like you have a big problem. Thinking she had sex with a man at 17 is awful, and then talking in terms of slappers in 2013. Have you issues around sex?

shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:36:03

Again thanks for the rely. Yup ok, point taken, thats why I came here to get another view. I guess im still living in the dark ages and my feelings are the problem not her's. Will try to sort myself out and not project my old fashioned views onto her, certainly dont want to give her hang ups just found it hard and clearly I have fucked up. blush

MamaPingu Sun 12-Jan-14 09:39:48

Personally I don't think you're overreacting in that I don't think anybody wants to catch their children in bed with anyone!
I feel it's like the way I feel about my parents. I want them to have a good sex life cause it means they're happy and have a good marriage. But I DO NOT want to hear about it, know about it, see it or even acknowledge they do shock it makes me cringe!
I imagine that is the same with your children!
I do think the dirty thing is a tiny bit over the top but it is still new to you and I understand why you've said it completely.
I'd feel the same or a little while. Not "dirty" but more a "no longer my little innocent DS" type thing grin

AmberLeaf Sun 12-Jan-14 09:39:49

'all clean and innocent'

being sexually active doesn't make her dirty.

safe sex is an issue though. she may need advice on that, but I don't think you are the right person to give it. I don't mean that in a rude way, she needs someone who can be objective.

Hopefully she has already got that covered (scuse pun!)

shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:39:51

Its not that she has had sex annie Its just the casual stuff with someone she isnt going out with that saddened me. I probably worded it badly and as I said thats why I came on here for a slap if I needed it, and I do thank you for your honesty as I can get a more balanced view. Obviously if I was 100% sure I had reacted properly, I wouldnt have needed to come here, so that in itself shows I knew Id made a mistake, I just needed it clarifying. I will apologise to her for my wording, and mind my own business as she is indeed almost an adult blush

shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:42:05

Thank you mama that made me feel a little less stupid than Im feeling right now!
Yes thank you Amber she has had that chat and is on the contraceptive injection but also has condoms so well and truly covered.

floatyflo Sun 12-Jan-14 09:43:49

I hope you didn't tell her your thoughts on her gaining a reputation as the local slapper. I remember my Dad telling me I looked like a whore when he caught me having my first kiss with a boy I had just started dating. I was 15. I'll never forgive him for that.

How do you know she is 'giving it away to anyone'?

As long as she's safe, let her be the normal, hormone-fuelled, sexually experimenting 17 year old she is suppose to be.

AmberLeaf Sun 12-Jan-14 09:45:47

yes she isn't giving anything 'away' she is having sex with them.

shanelle5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:45:57

I will floaty, I realise now she is the normal one and it is me who needs sorting out not her! blush

If I was certain he regularly smoked pot, he'd be out my door, regardless of whether he had sex with my DD or not!

If I was certain he regularly smoked pot, he'd be out my door, regardless of whether he had sex with my DD or not!

gamerchick Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:33

You can't control your kids see life.. Once they start it's impossible to stop them.

Make sure she's clued up on contraception.. The risks of going bare backed.

I have a NOT IN MY HOUSE rule and know that I will sit on the end of the bed and embarrass them horribly if they breach that rule.

cuddlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:44

The legal age for consent may be 16 but to me that does not mean that as parents we have no say in this. It is also legal to smoke, but I would not say, hey you're 16 do what you like about that.

I believe we should guide the DC through the 16-18 years just as much as the earlier years.

There is also an issue of respect for your home. You are entitled to have rules she should abide by.

It is a shame that your role is seemingly not allowed to include getting her to confront how she feels about casual sex, how she feels when someone doesn't call her afterwards, the emotional fallout of getting dumped, talked about or whatever. She is very young to deal with all that.

If my DD (that I don't actually have) was having sex with someone who cared about her I would be fine about it, but if I were you, I would not be happy to come home and find her having casual sex in my house.

gamerchick Sun 12-Jan-14 09:58:08

*sex

Sorry DH appeared with breakfast.

However, I really Do Not approve of drugs. I was quietly but very firmly brought up to know it was the one thing my parents would never forgive.

SanityClause Sun 12-Jan-14 10:01:01

I think that's an excellent idea, shanelle.

Make sure she knows why you were upset - it's not the sex, it's that you hoped she would have sex inside a loving relationship.

FWIW, I know there are some people who have casual sex with no loss of self esteem, and I believe there is nothing wrong with casual sexon those terms.

I know that, for me, when I was in my early 20s, I had quite a lot of casual sex, and it had the exact opposite effect. I stupidly hoped that all those ONS would turn into relationships, and felt rejected when they didn't. It was really self destructive behaviour on my behalf.

I just want to reiterate - there is nothing wrong with having ONSs, it was my attitude to it that was the problem. But a lot of that was to do with my mother's screwed up attitude to sex, anyway.

EauRouge Sun 12-Jan-14 10:03:04

I had someone in my life who had the same kind of attitude towards me (was called a slut on more than one occasion) and it made me feel like I had no one to talk to about sex.

She doesn't need your approval, but she may need your support- chatting about proper consent, how to say no, and communicating what she wants are all important as well as knowing about safe sex.

I can see where you are coming from. I think times have changed a lot since we were teenagers though. I'm 37 and whilst people did have casual sex those that were known for it were called names (not by me I hasten to add).

My ds is 16 1/2 and I hate the thought of him having sex as he's not in a relationship. He knows about safe sex and has condoms. I've hopefully instilled in him the need to use them regardless of other contraception that they are for protecting him from disease as well as pregnancy. Hopefully he understands and will be sensible.

I get being upset that she's brought a random man into your home to have sex with as well. It's a bit different here as the dc share bedrooms but it's not on here to have someone back and I can't imagine anywhere where it would be ok to have wed in a room where your brother or sister was also there. But if they had their own room and were in a proper relationship then I'd probably relax the rules about sleepovers but bringing ransoms back after the pub/club or just because you fancied a shag isn't going to be acceptable. I know many on here disagree with my way though so I'm prepared to be called uptight and unreasonable.

Mrswellyboot Sun 12-Jan-14 10:05:36

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't allow it under my roof. But at this stage I would be worried about contraception and that's all you can do.

AmberLeaf Sun 12-Jan-14 10:13:16

The not under my roof thing. where would you like your daughters to be having sex then?

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:25:16

Yes, as Amber said, where should they do it?

My mother was like you, made me feel dirty for having sex. I was having a great time discovering who I was and what I liked.

Funnily enough she didn't have a problem with my brother shacking up!

I used to have sex in car parks and other random places because I couldn't bring boyfriends home - not very safe.

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