13 year old, now a year older and double the trouble(4 Posts)
I have posted before about the troubles I have been having with my teenage daughter.
Recently her behaviour has got worse.
She is rude and abusive to teachers and our family. I have used methods such as taking phone, restricting internet access, taken her bedroom door off when she slams it, removed stereo, everything basically and made her earn them back through better behaviour. It has worked but her behaviour has gone downhill and she has earned most things back but then loses them again because of her behaviour.
I have spent hours talking to her and she is now getting help for anger through school. I have helped her deal with the problems but I cannot condone her abusive, rude behaviour.
We have had various arguments over the last few weeks which have ended up in me losing my temper ( I know not the best approach!)
Tonight she has demanded that on friday I drive her to her friends and pick her up. I explained that friday is a busy day for me as have to do the christmas food shop and have lots of little jobs that need doing before the weekend. She started getting into a rage so I calmly said well I can give you bus money just go over on the bus. She said no as she didn't know which stop. I said I would lend her my phone ( as she broke hers). She again said no and that I was being "unreasonable". I told her to calm down and that I was offering a solution, take it or leave it. I walked away.
She followed me downstairs ( this was 15 minutes ago, I had sent her to bed at 10:30) I told her get to bed and have a think about it. Again she starts crying and screaming about how I am a bitch and being unreasonable.
I tried walking into the kitchen, she followed, I came back in the room and she is still at it. I told her again to get in bed, its late the smaller kids are in bed. She carries on.... and punches the living room door. I got up and tried to move her upstairs, she punches me in the arm, I lost it and slapped her face :S
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! What do I do? I have given clear rules she disregards them, this is just a snippet of the things she does....
"I don't know what stop". Fuck my 4 year olds know what stop their friends are at.
You know that what she is saying is beyond ridiculous. Keep firm and calm. She has to organize her own transport.
The violence/ anger etc sounds very disturbing. Not sure what to suggest. But best of luck.
Agree with her when she is calm that when anger arises she or you immediately leave the room. Put into writing.
Also put into writing what happens if she does not do this - I suggest she stays in her room (without any gadgets) for the rest of the day.
EVERYTHING stops until she follows these rules - no telly, no chat, no family meals, nothing.
There is no point talking if there is even a hint of anger in her voice. Make it totally clear that there is no talking or negotiation if anger is there. She can only ever get what she wants if she asks in a nice way and can take no for an answer.
Roleplay that when everybody is in a good mood.
I believe teens do not want to be that angry - they appreciate help to get over it. Treat the whole thing like helping her getting over her anger.
I hope you don't mind me saying but it does sound as if you also have a problem with anger - you 'lost your temper' in various arguments over the last few weeks and in last night's argument you retaliated to her violence with violence of your own when you slapped her.
Clearly she needs to do more work on her temper and hopefully she is learning - although of course hormones are playing a big part as palika says - but also I think it would help if you tried the techniques that she is being taught and learn how to control your reactions to her anger.
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