14 year old daughter has boyfriend of 17

(32 Posts)
littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 11:53:54

This is my first time on Mumsnet so go easy on me! I have a 14 year old daughter who seems to have started a relationship with a boy who is 17, and will be 18 in April. They started by flirting online on sites like instagram, twitter etc and then progressed to facetiming each other and now meeting up to watch films, walk the dog and generally spend time together, Initially she told me he was 15 and in the year above at school. But I found out he is actually at college and 17. After lots of tears and tantrums she is still seeing him. She says he is nicer than the boys in her year at school, doesnt try anything sexual with her, respects her bla bla.. but I am worried. Husband and I not sure how to handle it. He has been at our house and they sat and watched a film downstairs near to where I was cooking etc. He seems ok but I am worried the relationship will become sexual and of course very soon he can buy alcohol, drive etc. There doesnt seem to be any embarrasement for boys to date much younger girls today. I worry that if I ban the friendship she will simply hide it from me and sneak around and lie. She has already done this to a certain extent. Has anyone any advice or experience with this?

littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 22:47:35

Ok. Well he is def a young 17 year old. She is a fairly shy but quite mature 14. We have had another hat this evening. I've said I will call his mum and have a friendly conversation just saying hi and checking she's aware my dd is 14. But in a nice way. My rules are that she can stay friends and he can come to our house but they have to stay downstairs, never in her bedroom and is must be the same at his house. She tells me (my daughter ) that he is so nice and more respectful than the boys at school who are all after sexual encounters! Hmm. Not sure but I will ask that his mum ensures it's the same rules at their house. He has younger sisters so I'm hoping she will understand. Lots of chat tonight but I'm glad I'm making clearer guidelines .

littlebird99 Mon 16-Dec-13 22:48:29

Thanks for all your help. Felt overwhelmed earlier today

McFox Mon 16-Dec-13 22:55:22

I don't think it's a big age gap at all. In fact my sister and her DH got together when she was 15 and he was 18. 21 years later and they are married, with kids, and very happy.

Try not to worry too much. She's old enough to have a boyfriend, so give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her judgement - if you discourage it, it won't help anyone. Let her make her own mind up.

chocoluvva Tue 17-Dec-13 23:08:27

IMO you're taking a very sensible line on this. Hopefully the relationship won't last too long.

My DD went out with a 17YO boy when she was 15. He was rather unsociable and I got the impression that his mum encouraged the relationship as she was glad he had a nice friend. She had no concerns about her age - definitely worth having a chat with the BF's mum IMO - though be careful what you say - my DD's BF's mum told them her version of what I'd said, so it backfired on me.

I think your approach of being welcoming to him but not encouraging the relationship is very sensible. smile

bakehouse Thu 19-Dec-13 13:41:52

My DS18 says it would be social suicide amongst his friends to go out with a 14 year old. One of his friends made a comment to him once that he thought DD2 aged 14 was 'really fit' and liked some of her pictures on Instagram and Facebook and he has been ribbed for being a 'peado' ever since. Obviously a couple of years older and the age gap makes no difference at all but at 14 and 17 they have such different social lives which wouldn't be easy to integrate. DD1 aged 16 thinks that if a boy that much older was interested in a 14 year old she would consider it would only be because he had either run out of options with girls his own age or that none of the girls his own age was interested in him!

BertieBowtiesAreCool Thu 19-Dec-13 13:47:40

It sounds fine and I think your rules are sensible. It's fairly likely if he's a "young" 17 that they aren't anywhere near sexually active yet.

mrsjay Thu 19-Dec-13 18:46:25

I was 15 and had a 18 yr old boyfriend we didnt have sex although he did seem to get fed up with me after a few months probably because there was no sex as long as your dd is aware I wouldn't ban it may just let it run its course as long as she doesn't do anything she isnt comfy with

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