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15yo seemingly being pushed to do something not ready to(10 Posts)
I could do with some advice please. My eldest dd is 15 and has only recently past 3 weeks started going out with her best friend (male, same age) . Now i liked this boy well enough when they have been friends over past few years. However he has had his problems over the past couple of years with his family and has consequently ended up in foster care in the past few months. Now my dd has helped him through all this and has told me all that has been happening with him and since being in foster he seems to have calmed down abit (not drinking every night now). So all that is fine. But he has had ALOT of girlfriends in the past year and from the way i have been told it seems he sleeps with them for month then dumps them. Now my dd is very shy (we have always thought she has very mild aspergers as she displays alot of symptoms for it but she had counselling to help control her emotions/actions when she was 11 and that eased it slightly) and although her last boyfriend lasted a year they never did more than kiss. When he finished her on her birthday she was devastated and at that point i put a ban in place and said no boyfriends for a year until her GCSEs were finished as she is looking at 12 above grade C so she has a lot of homework which eats her time up as well as cadets once a week and martial arts 3 times a week plus working there on a Saturday. She has been told any time she wants to drop something just to say (she is dropping cadets after xmas) but all this means she only really has a Sunday where she is free.
Anyway sorry totally off topic there. She left her phone here the other day as she was going to a concert so just took cheap phone we got her so as not to lose hers. while she was out it was constantly binging so i went through to turn off the sound and notice a lot of messages. They seemed quite polite at first just asking if she had thought about having more personal time together, then went to more physical relationship. This got me to do something i never do and went and checked her messages and for about the last 4 days despite her saying she doesn't know what she wants to do with regards as to where the relationship goes and saying she is scared at the thought of going further, he still seems to be pushing the subject. She is very easily lead and is very emotional (cries if she gets an award!) and i don't want her to do something she will regret afterwards. Also i know the sex ed at her school is a joke as 3 girls in her form alone have had/having babies within the past 11 months and a few have had sti's , she does talk to me about all these happening to her friends but she just gets upset if i broach the subject.
I have no idea how to handle this now as i can see him pushing harder and her not wanting to disappoint him by saying no as they have been besties for so long. But from her reaction and her replies to him i don't think she is in a state of mind to decide.
So what do i do? Do i say that i will take her to one of the sexual health clinics so she can discuss with someone there about her decision as well as sorting out contraception just in case? If i do that do i take the pressure off her by telling her until she speaks to someone (within a week probably) then she is banned from spending alone time with him other than in this house.
Sorry for going on so much.
Any advice for this newbie would be helpful please!
At least i will know how to handle all this when my younger dd goes through it.
I think taking her to the clinic might lead her to suspect that you have read her messages, damaging your relationship and making her less likely to confide in you (and I think leaving her phone at home, without a pass code lock, and with such personal messages might mean that she really does want to confide in you).
I would use the fact that she is in a new relationship to have a general talk - boys, sex, not being pressured into anything, boys who apply pressure are best left alone etc.
I agree that she shouldn't be left alone with him in the meantime - if he is applying pressure and she doesn't know how to handle it then she needs you to protect her and make sure she doesn't end up in a difficult situation.
When my DD went through something similar I pretended I was delighted with the relationship, took her shopping for the day (captive audience!) and 'had the talk', although I approached it in a lighthearted way.
Yep, I'm with the others here. Time to have a talk about the reality of sex.
You dont have to refer to the BF specifically - I found the 'Boys heads are wired differently - straight to their willies' jokey approach was effective. In particular helping her understand that what she sees as 'lurve', he sees quite differently. Girls can be very dim about this - too much dreamy American teen TV - and fail to realise where the boy thinks this is going, ie. straight to sex, when they are more interested in just hand-holding and snogging.
Time to talk Mum.
pressured into sex that you don't want is called rape. This is what he is planning.
please help her to get out of this.
As adeu says you need to engineer the opportunity to talk and talk some more, generally and very gently specifically.
Sounds like her friend/BF is doing the typical male thing of using sex to escape and destress from difficulties in his life.
You need to get your DD to realise, herself, that he isn't in a place in his life to form a stable relationship and that she can be supportive to him without sleeping with him.
Sorry been quiet. Thanks for all replies. Seems i don't have to worry about her being pressurised now. He has sent her a very rude pic and asked her for one back when she said no way he said typical 'i would love you if you do' type thing. She told him no way in heck and when he threatened to dump her she just said that is fine then bye. Then she told me straight away.
Very very proud of her to be honest. And i have told her that. She is worried about school and cadets so i have said i will have a quiet word with her PO and with her student support officer tomorrow so that any problems arise she can go straight to them.
He is trying to back track now and say it wasn't him but she has just said prove it and since he can't and he has blocked her on her fb account she has basically taken that as all the proof she needs that it was him.
So although want to throttle him (i won't say a word to him though) I am please that she will speak up for herself and she knows she can tell me without and agrro.
Thank you all so so much for helping me. I have lurked around the site for a while but this is the first time i have joined in and i am very pleased i did.
Well done DD and to you for raising such a self confident girl
What a great outcome, I'd be proud of her too. Bet he feels like a right idiot
Wow, just how I want my daughter to be!
Hope my DDs would be as sensible.
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