Has anyone else reported their 15 year old for domestic violence?

(46 Posts)
mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 10:28:41

Do you approach police, social services, CAMHS, GP, school? - what were the consequences? If I approach on agency are they bound to report it to the police? I need to be clear what can of worms I am opening for us all. Or has anyone successfully managed this in another way?

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 19:15:22

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker

This is my story -- which I have posted on relationships today. I am still in a state of shock about what has happened to me. I am certain that my marriage is over - but I need to find the energy and courage to take responsibility for seeing through consequences for my son assaulting me on a regular basis. I need to know what will happen if I call the police.

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 20:08:48

I have called the police to report the assault. They are coming to my home on Friday morning at 8am and then they will decide how to approach my son.

Hels20 Wed 20-Nov-13 20:50:54

My heart goes out to you. 6 years ago, my younger sister's personality seemed to change over night (we now think it might have been her (then un diagnosed) cancer and she started trashing my parents house where she was living. In the end, my parents had no option but to call the police. They had to press charges (it had gone on for 3 months - every night) and so she went to court (none of my family had ever been in court - my parents couldn't go, they were too distressed. So I went.) Reluctantly, she was sent to prison (for 2 weeks whilst they waited for pre sentencing report) by the magistrates as they said they had no other place for her to go and she was also massively self harming so they didn't want her going in a hostel. Social services had completely let her and the family down over the previous 4 months - she was never a priority). She was mid 20s - so not a teenager - but she had learning difficulties and was very immature.

My parents had no option even though it was exceptionally painful for us all.

The only thing I would say is that if your son is cautioned - it could affect your ability to get house insurance if he continues to live with you as you have to disclose it.

My heart really bleeds for you. Violence - against you or in the home is not acceptable. Ever. As parents, we would be prosecuted if we smacked our children. I am so so sorry for your pain. But I think you did the right thing. The police are usually good in this situation and maybe a harsh talk will shake him up and make him realise his behaviour has to change.

flow4 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:31:05

Yes mulranno, I have, and so have quite a few other people here. You call the police; no other agency will do anything, I'm afraid. I found the police helpful: they took me seriously, and said they would not arrest my DS unless I wanted them to.

Here are some of my old threads about my experiences...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1514662-15yo-daughter-is-out-of-control-and-Ive-no-idea-how-to-handle-this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1555282-Called-999-after-DS-had-violent-outburst-against-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1807318-DS12-hit-me-yesterday-and-today

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a1598441-MaryZs-support-thread-for-parents-of-troubled-teenagers#35223003
- esp my post to blue on Tue 06-Nov-12 14:11:08, which describes what happened when I called the police.

I'm happy to say more or try to answer questions if I can.

flow4 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:32:16

I should have said "Here are some old threads where I've posted about my experiences"...

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 21:59:18

Thanks Flow - I have read thru - I feel anxious about what I ahve done but I do not see any other option. this was not a one off it has escalated over the past 2 years - it wont stop otherwise

mineofuselessinformation Wed 20-Nov-13 22:17:51

Maybe not what you want to hear, but one of my dcs was violent towards me (with dh never helping address the issue). It was only after we separated that she stopped - mainly I think because she had a consistent approach and could no longer get her father 'on side' at worst, or ignoring at best. Good luck.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 08:43:11

mineof...that's they way I am headed. I believe I can do better and easier which will benefit the children on my own.

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 10:49:33

I am so sorry this is happened to you but I am relieved for you that you have reported it violence against parents seems to be a secret I do know of one child who has repeatedly assaulted their mother and punched walls in the house her mum will not do anything, I hope the police can help in some way

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 21-Nov-13 11:00:06

I haven't been in your situation, but I really believe you have done the right thing in reporting this. Shielding teenagers from the consequences of their actions does them no favours in the long run. Perhaps this will be the shock that your DS needs to make him change the way he is going.

I read your other post and my heart goes out to you. Will be cheering you on over here as you navigate your way through this awful situation. Let us know what the police say after they visit tomorrow.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 15:52:56

I called the school today and told them what happened. Initially they talked about school counselor but when I mentioned that I had contacted the police - they pulled in the child protection lead. It was a very reassuring conversation - she said that the police would have contacted them anyway - that they deal with this often enough and the male head of year (all bots school) does a good job in teaching them to be civilized young men - they would also offer counselling. Undecided whether to tell my husband that I have contacted the police or not - or whether to ask him to be be with me when they call? I think he needs a reality check.

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 16:59:51

My 15 year old gave me an unprompted sideways apology just now after nearly 3 weeks. He refused to give me any eye contact or to communicate further when I asked if he would never do it again and said that I was deliberately winding him up and provoking him - and why was I not able to accept his apology.

I suspect it is because my husband after 15 days (Tuesday) put in a consequence that he was grounded until he wrote a letter of apology - and my son is thinking about going out tomorrow night. Even though he hasnt done what my husband asked.

I am worried now that the police and school follow up with him which will now happen after his apology will escalate everything. But is a one word, no eye contact, apology (or even a letter) a sufficient consequence for his action. Am I still justified not to cancel the police and school meetings?

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 18:43:16

he only apologised so he could get out I think is your husband his dad dont mean to be rude but you didnt say ? i think you should tell him what you have done please keep your chin up you need to follow through with this I think it is probably in his best interests ,

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 18:47:25

yes my husband is father to all 4 - do I tell my son that I have contacted the police and school - I think that this would put undue stress on him - and possibly antagonize the situation? I think that he wold be fine if the police just turned up and his head of year just called him in

mrsjay Thu 21-Nov-13 18:49:23

OH i don't know if I would tell or not I think that is for you to judge maybe not as you say it could all blow up in your face ,

wannabestressfree Thu 21-Nov-13 18:57:55

I had a long running thread on here two years ago as my son attacked me and threatened to cut my throat with a carving knife. He was 14. He was removed and after a battle was subsequently sectioned for nearly two years (he came home just before his 16th birthday)

Although the whole thing was traumatic I had to do something or I hate to think what would have happened to me and my other children

mulranno Thu 21-Nov-13 19:13:20

wannabe - that is hideous. How is he doing now? Was he diagnosed as having a mental health issue?

I do feel a bit relieved and proud that I have done this - although anxious as well. In the past when he has assaulted me and I have threatened calling the police -- he has said to me in disbelief - "what you would actually shop your own son".

I expect him to hate me for a long time and that my actions will cause a rift - but it has escalated from pushing and shoving to, gripping my arms and pushing me against the wall enough to leave significant bruising - to punching my arms - to the latest which was punching me to the floor. the latest attack was unusual as we were not having a row or in a confrontation. He just over heard me having a row with hid Dad and then just came in to batter me

wannabestressfree Thu 21-Nov-13 19:18:21

You HAD to do something. I have just read your other thread. What a terrible situation you live in and your husband is abdicating his responsibilties. I feel so sad for you. I truly understand how it feels to fear your own child and you need to nip it in the bud now. Otherwise [as you have already seen] he will continue to treat women like it....

My son is doing much much better after intensive therapy, heavy medication and a very long stay in several hospitals. If you could find my thread I would even suggest showing him, its not very nice reading.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 21-Nov-13 20:47:56

OP, my dd stamped on me on one occasion. The only thing that stopped me reporting it to the police was that she was much younger, with a diagnosis of add. Don't tell ds or dh. They both need to understand how unacceptable the behaviour is, and that you will not tolerate it any longer and I think that a visit from the police will shock them and hopefully wake them up a bit as to what is going on.

flow4 Thu 21-Nov-13 23:02:15

mulranno, you didn't give details before, and I am shocked to hear that this has been going on for two years, and the details of his assaults. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is domestic violence without a doubt...

You do not deserve this. You have a right to be safe. You are doing absolutely the right thing here by seeking outside help and involving the police.

Coming to get you when he wasn't even in the room and punching you to the floor deliberately is way, way beyond behaviour that might be forgiven after an apology, mulranno. What you describe is not an adolescent loss of temper; it is a serious assault.

I can't help feeling that there are two abusers here. If your husband had stood by and let this happen once or twice, it would be a terrible let-down and a breach of trust, but you could just about explain it away, thinking he was slow to act because he was shocked and in denial. But after two years it is far more than a let-down: it is a total betrayal. I can't help wondering whether he's actually pleased your son is attacking you - whether he's effectively getting your child to 'do his dirty work' for him... sad I'd tell you your marriage is over, but you already know. I am so sorry. sad

Is there any way you can take the other three children and leave? Do you have anywhere to go?

I imagine with three younger children, that would be very difficult - it probably feels impossible. I just want to check that you know about refuges, and the support provided by Women's Aid for women living with or escaping domestic violence. You can call them - they offer advice and support over the phone - or you could go to a refuge, which would be a huge upheaval for you, but might be better than the life you're living now. Children are badly affected by living with domestic violence, and two years is a long time, for them as well as you.

You have already triggered a child protection referral which means social services will check to see if there are any registered concerns about any of your children. They will see it as a good thing that you are seeking help. They are more worried about women who hide problems, because they know it is hard to ask for help if you are pretending everything is ok... and in circumstances where violence is a secret, women and children are more at risk. You're not pretending, so they know you're better able to keep yourself and your children safe.

If you can't leave or don't want to, you can ask the police and social services about removing your son and husband. You may not want to do this, but I want to be sure you know it could be an option.

You have said a couple of times that you are worried about things 'escalating' if your DS finds out you've told school and the police. I guess you mean you are afraid he may beat you up. From what you have said, he might. Don't take any chances. Call 999 if you have the merest suspicion that he might get violent.

In fact, call 999 any and every time he is violent or you are afraid he might be, from now on. You have a right to be safe and feel safe, mulranno.

mulranno Fri 22-Nov-13 12:47:27

Flow - what you have said is all factually correct but it somehow seems more shocking to read.

I think that I have opened the can of worms that I didn't really want to. I saw the police this morning - they are proceeding whether I provide a written statement or not.

They consider it a low level common assault but will progress it because I mentioned numerous previous attacks which left bruising. Likely to get some sort of caution which will be on file for CRB checks - although no further action is another possible outcome.

They will formally interview him on Sunday morning with a solicitor and another appropriate adult present (we cant be there).
Think that I wish I had spoken with the school first. Not sure when and how to tell him. But I do know that he has done something very wrong and even worse is that he cant see it and I know he needs help.

I hope this doesn't tip us all over the edge. I also have my husband pleading for me not to make him move out.

ribba Fri 22-Nov-13 14:19:32

Mulranno does your husband know you have contacted the police?

mulranno Fri 22-Nov-13 14:21:45

Yes - I told himt his mornng and asked him to come with me. He did. We were interviewed separately as I was the victim and he was the witness.

ribba Fri 22-Nov-13 14:30:30

I am wondering whether the police response has given him a shock enough to examine the way in which he's dealt with this so far. Do you think you can present a united front to your DS tonight and tell him what's going to happen with the police?

You are doing your DS a favour by making him face up to the reality of what he has done. As Flow says you have a right to feel safe in your own home and so do your younger children.

What do you think would happen if your DH moved out for a time?

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