Aaaargh. Help me keep my cool.

[parentofthreenager]

So - have just banned dd from computer FOREVER, taken her phone off her, told her I expect her to do several hours chores a day as she appears to have no homework...

She is lazy, moody, dresses like a v messy slapper, outrageously rude to all family and authority figures (but not, of course, to friends), reminds me of my age in every other sentence so makes me feel about 100!, takes no effort over school work, imagines she's going to have a 'career' as a pop star , makes no effort in any other aspect of her life, leaves crap all over the house...

But apart from that...

So - I need, clearly, to focus on the positives and get a grip, but finding it hard.

Help me please.

[RhondaJean]

How old is she?

[tinyturtletim]

How old? Teenager I presume.

Ban all luxuries if she can't give you the respect you deserve for providing her with these things she cannot have them

Who buys slutty clothes? Definitely a big talk about how people see people and how they can be judged on their appearance.


Who does she listen to?

[parentofthreenager]

13. But she was like this since a toddler - hence nickname!

[YDdraigGoch]

It's about par for the course with teenagers
Bet you love each other really!

Kids don't seem to get nearly as much homework as we used to.

[parentofthreenager]

'Slutty' clothes = school skirt rolled up to ridiculous levels, shorts she bought when out with friends that are v v v short. I don't buy them or approve them, but she makes a fuss about wearing anything remotely decent for school. Out of school it's often jeans etc and baggy tops - but favoured hairstyle looks like Vicky Pollard after a night spent under a hedge.

[parentofthreenager]

YD - don't think I can bear several years more of this. It is miserable for everyone in the family.

And whilst I may love her, I certainly don't like her ATM, not at all.

[RhondaJean]

I'm really quite upset at people saying teenagers dress like slappers and have slutty clothes. Its a time for trying things out and they need a bit of gentle guidance around appropriate clothing, not outright slating. Even if you don't use language like that to her the fact you use it on here shows that's how you feel and think about it and that will come over. She is 13, she needs a bit of support too.

On the rest of it I am right behind you although I need to ask here, what does she do that you are proud of? My teenager has phases when she can be like that, she's the same age, almost 14 now, but I am very proud of her because she is hardworking at school, she always sticks up for the underdog, she hates injustice, she's very creative and and she can be really funny and witty and good company. I try to remember that when I want to choke her!

It does sound like you need to set firm and clear boundaries and enforce them. Losing the plot and banning things "forever" (although we all do it,) isn't the answer because they know you won't be able to enforce that. Far better the removal for a short time and then the chance to earn it back. That's then an incentive to try.

Also remember that teenagers brains are going wild with hormones and new synapses. Sometimes I ask my dd why she is doing and saying things and she doesn't know, I am not saying for a minute you don't hold them to task for their behaviour and attitudes but sometimes they really aren't in control of their emotions and need to learn how to handle things.

I don't know if any of that is any help, I've found I get through much more quickly to my daughter when I can stay calm and firm with her, so rant away on here! You have my sympathy.

[parentofthreenager]

Thanks, Rhonda. Am feeling v stressed and miserable generally ATM so suppose DD just sort of short circuits me by her behaviour and all the sparks fly... If I was more chilled could maybe rise above it - but not feeling v chilled.

DD is beautiful, v clever, creative, musical, artistic, used to think she was sensible (learned my lesson there) but way too dependent on approval from random people eg friends, boys she hardly knows. Wish she applied herself in any way at all or brushed her hair etc - she could so easily be beautiful, achieve so much but seems determined to reject and undervalue every positive characteristic until I could and do weep.

[RhondaJean]

I read an article a whaleback which really helped me and I can't find it now!

It was about teenage girls and how they fight so much with their mothers for two reasons, firstly establishing their own identity (by rejecting your ideals) and secondly because they know you will always love them and it's safe to have conflict with you and learn how to handle conflict in general. I haven't put it at all well!

They don't half know how to push your buttons don't they.

[parentofthreenager]

I don't really mind my buttons being pushed although yes, it's annoying. What really upsets me is watching her waste her own potential. Throwing away every good quality and advantage and family/school support she has.

[JohnnyUtah]

I think every teen has to have a stupid hairstyle. DS's fringe is MASSIVE. But the wasting potential is sad. They usually come good n the end though, hang on in there.

Can you let the mess and appearance go and focus on the rudeness and schoolwork?

[parentofthreenager]

So how do I deal with the rudeness? She's not actually in trouble at school and is bright enough to still largely get good grades without much work (obviously, would do better with work), so am happy to leave that unless I;m getting calls from school.

But don't see why I should put up with bratty child being rude, personal insults, shouting, swearing etc.

Feeling teary and ineffective. And just tired of it.

[RhondaJean]

No you don't have to put up with it.

I do the "do NOT speak to me like that" followed by not responding until she realises and speaks to me decently. Different things work with different kids though I guess. What did you do when she was small and rude? What worked? Not that I'm suggesting the same thing but perhaps if you can work out what she responds to it would help.

Definitely don't do anything for her if she doesn't ask you politely! Eg lifts to places, money for things, ironing a favourite top.

[tinyturtletim]

So cut the funding.

Don't give the opportunity to buy short shorts (and get rid of the current ones)

You are not there to be her friend, and so what if she slags you off to her mates or doesn't have cash to buy ridiculous clothes. Eventually in a few years she will realise that it was all for a good reason.

Re the rudeness.. use sanctions.

One episode of mouth = 1 day of grounding / no phone / pc / tv whichever hits hardest.

If she needs clothes you go together and spend time together.

Also, pick your battles. The hair is a non issue really, it does not directly effect you as a person she will grow out of it (the style)

[Raddy]

I am with you today, OP. My 15 year old is being beyond vile.

He was horrid all half term and today, when he took off his school shoes, he threw them at his younger brother's head because it was funny.

I am really struggling to like him at the moment.

I went out (to give blood) but stayed out for 3 hours in protest at horrid teenage household. Nobody noticed

[tinyturtletim]

Pressed to soon

Your op doesn't mention her dad or you dh. Do you have someone backing you up?

[tinyturtletim]

raddy that's horrendous. :-(

[parentofthreenager]

Not sure much worked - she's always been a bit of a madam.

I really tried the How To Talk etc and that did improve our relationship - should reread it I suppose.

Forgot to say another thing she's doing at the moment that's really annoying me is refusing to eat or eating just crap - makes herself huge bowls of pure carbohydrate eg just spaghetti with no sauce or anything, eats half, leaves bowls pans etc everywhere. Eats no fruit or veg at all, picks at meals. So 'dinner' will be half a pack of crackers and one mouthful of chicken, say. I feel this is hardly likely to be adding to her mood.

[Ursula8]

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you. My DD started being vile at 13. She is now 16 and no better. Sorry.
I try to not sweat the small stuff, like the disgusting state of her bedroom, but I cannot accept how totally unbelievably rude she is to me.
Cut her off financially, I wish I had done that much earlier. It seems to be the only thing they respond to. However, even when DD is acting nice I know it is all a sham so she can get what she wants and the simmering hatred is bubbling away just under the surface.
I love her but do not like her at all. It's very hard.
People keep telling me that she will be lovely by the time she is 23 but it seems sooooo faaaar awaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[parentofthreenager]

tiny - yes, have dh but he often sides with kids over me if we're arguing - he thinks he's playing peacemaker by getting involved and basically telling us both to shut up (or me to shut up) but actually I feel undermined and I think it contributes to the problem. We also argue which I'm sure is not helpful and also contributes to my mood so find it harder to deal with dd. But that's another thread.

[parentofthreenager]

Oh, Ursula. :(

I don't think I could bear 3 more years of this let alone not knowing when it was going to end. :(

DD has said she's moving out at 16 so she can do what she wants unhindered. The fact that she'd have nothing to live on and/or would have to get a job so actually do stuff and not just mess about online/read/listen to music/watch crap on tv all day does not seem to have occurred to her.

[RhondaJean]

Hmm.

Meals are non negotiable in this house. There is no discussion around that. But I have noticed my dd has a real carb hunger say when she comes in from school, which I seem to remember having at the same age, so I'm buying things I usually wouldn't like supernoodles for a snack.

If you leave the kitchen in a mess here, you do not get using it again for x amount of time.

There are an awful lot of reminders go on though!

[RhondaJean]

Ha! The move out at 16

Yes been there. No amount of pointing out the financial implications worked.

Then I realised she kept asking bout getting her room decorated and I kept saying yes but wait til I get some money together.

So next time she asked I said no. Her face was a picture, she said no? Why?

I pointed out, you are almost 14, you are leaving at 16, that's only two years, I don't see the point in doing up your room for you I shall just wait til you move out and I'll do it up for me and my sewing machine.

The minute she thought I was taking her seriously the whole thing changed which I found funny.

[parentofthreenager]

True about the carb hunger - I remember it too. But I ate my dinner too... Don't wish to 'ban' foods but wish she'd have the common sense to eat more healthily.

[parentofthreenager]

Nice one, Rhonda, about the room.