Found Weed In DS 14 room...

[ShazzyDesires]

My husband found a spliff and a homemade bong in my son's room, he is only 14.
I'm absolutely devastated. He's at school at the moment.
How should I approach him. Has anyone else been through this.

[Racerider]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I had exactly the same at the same age one year ago. Bongs etc. I was also devastated.
I can't really offer any advice as nothing I have done seems to have helped. All you can do is have a talk with him and find out what is going on.
Reconsider pocket money / curfews. Try speaking to his friends parents ? ( didn't help me at all, they were not as upset by it)
My son sees a drugs counsellor, not sure how much it's helping. Not wishing to alarm you but he has also since tried other drugs. Even though I feel I tried to stamp on the cannabis discovery hard the problem has got worse.
Sorry I can't really help, but I know how * you must be feeling.

[ShazzyDesires]

Hi Racerider,

Thanks for the message. I'm just so gutted. My husband is not my son's father, therefore I'm going to deal with this one on my own.
I'm on my way to pick him up from school shortly, going to take him to a café and have a chat with him. He is my only child and we live in a lovely area and he goes to a great private school. All he's friends seem like great kids. He doesn't swear and apart from struggling at school is a good kid... Maybe now I know why he's school work is also suffering.

I'm just so upset.

[Racerider]

He'll probably say everyone does it, that's how they feel but it is not true, not everyone does!
Please remember it is NOT your fault , good luck.

[longingforsomesleep]

Watching with interest. There seems to be an awful lot of it about. DS is 15 (just - he's in year 10) and I feel he is teetering on the drugs precipice. One of his best friends is currently excluded from school because, following a tip off from a parent, they found weed in his bag. Another boy in his form was permanently excluded last year for selling. He's at a good school too - a grammar in a reasonable area, but I don't think that makes much difference to be honest.

I know ds has tried it because I read his phone one day (privacy police please back off) and I saw texts about him having tried it. He swears it was just the once and he won't do it again. But .... I'm on tenterhooks. He's always out after school and at weekends - I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between allowing him to have a social life and trying to keep him safe.

No advice I'm afraid - but much sympathy. I do find with DS though that he is more forthcoming if I try and keep a lid on my temper and talk calmly to him - though it's not always easy.

[Ememem84]

I did this when I was 14. Mum took it. Confronted me. I told her it wasn't mine. I was then dragged into the car. And taken to the police. Where I was given a right proper telling off. I didn't speak to her for a week.

I wouldn't advocate doing this. It's on my record. And I had to declare it when I went for a new job. And had to explain.

I'd suggest a softer approach. Talk to him. Find out where he got it. Ask him to take you to get some. Ask him to share.try the humiliation threat. But don't shop to police.

[madeofkent]

I would say, don't shop to police - YET. I think taking them to a rehab centre might give them a shock but I doubt the centres would approve. Schools now have all sorts of drug lectures from addicts, they obviously looked too healthy. DS says he is the only one on his university course who doesn't take drugs, he barely drinks and he says there is a growing gambling culture. The only way I managed to steer him away when young was by keeping him busy, which was really hard work for us as we ferried him to orchestra/hockey/sailingyounameit, but it was advice given to me when my DD was young and she did very well, so I gritted my teeth and did it all again with DS ten years later. Keep them busy and don't let them have any privacy, I was told. It's expensive too. Of course there's not much you can do while they are at school, but I picked mine up from school as often as possible and if this makes me sound like police, it's because my niece had psychotic episodes after taking her first puff and it took years before she was anything like normal. I was determined that mine weren't going to end up like that.

[ShazzyDesires]

Thanks for all the advice ladies... I spoke to him last night and he said he was just trying it. I do believe him. He did also say all his friends smoke it on the weekend.
He said he has tried it more than one but will not do it again. Hmmmm... I will trust him this time.
Do feel a lot better now though knowing my DS is not the only one experimenting with weed, as long as he doesn't try anything else.

[gamerchick]

If he's progressed to bongs from spliffs then I'm sorry but he's been on it a while. Especially if he now has his own.

[Racerider]

Afraid I might agree with gamerchick. After all , he is hardly likely to tell you more than he needs to.
Problem is we all WANT to believe our kids, it's so hard to think they are lying. But they will lie about drug use. Keep the pressure on him.
Are there other parents you can speak to?

[OrmirianResurgam]

DS1 is 16 and he recently told me he smokes it sometimes. As H and i have partaken and we have discussed the subject at various times, I couldn't scream and yell and forbid it. But I did point out the obvious pitfalls (ie that is illegal!) but he tells me has researched what the legal ramifications of him using at his age are likely to be. I also told him that there are studies that suggest prolonged us at a young age may hamper brain development. He assures me his use is infrequent and light. I am pleased that he could tell me and we could have an intelligent discussion.

[happy2bhomely]

I agree with gamer. If he has his own supply and a bong, then he is more than 'trying' it.

What is his punishment? Or have you just had a chat and taken his word for it that he won't do it again?

I'd be very wary if trusting anything he says right now, sorry. Unfortunately, I talk from experience.

[hilary2012]

My DS 14 has gone a stage a further. From casually smoking a bit now and then - he was stopped searched in town one day and arrested because they found a small bag of cannabis on him. He spent a horrible day in cell, in custody. This is now permanently on his record. He had to have finger prints and photo ID done. Mortifying!! Trouble is I'm not even sure that has stopped him. He sais that most of his friends are smoking it and more......I've had calm chat, shouting match, rang FRANK for advice bt at the end of the day if they are in this antisocial spiral - I think it's really hard for them to get out. His school work is being badly affected - lack of motivation.....lost and sad :-(

[Orangedays]

Sorry to hear that Hilary - I sort of hope sometimes my ds15 would get caught , as a reality check, however even that hasn't helped your DS. It is such a problem with our teens isn't it.
My DS made a big thing of telling me last year that I should be pleased that at least, unlike lots of others he knows, he would NEVER touch any other drug. Then within 6 months he had tried ketamine, mdma - not as a regular thing, but nevertheless we know that he has progressed. It really is a constant cloud over our family life now

[lukebsf1]

I just want to add here that it is probably important to try and find out what kinda weed smoker your son it. In my experience there are 3 different types of weed smokers.

The first one is the "chavvy" weed smokers, there are the kinda ones that hang around town centres, most of this group smoke it because they think its cool and most of their friends do it. Most weed smokers up until age 15 are in this group. Sadly this group tend to be the ones who get into trouble.

The second is the stoners, these are typically in year 11 or above. This is the stereotypical hippy kinda group this sums them up pretty well. However some of this group manage to do very well in college work somehow whilst getting stoned every weekend :0 . Some of the nicest people I have ever met have fallen into this group.

The third is the occasional smokers, which a surprising amount of teens fall into (I would say about 45% of a high performing sixth form), when out with mates or at a party they may pass round a couple of joints. Once again you only really get this group in year 11 and above. Most of this group are typically intelligent and liberals and will actually smoke weed responsibly and won't let it effect their education/job (However the law still punishes them for it, but that's for another day's post ;) )

If your son is in the first group then you will have more of a problem since he is probably smoking weed because its cool and to follow a crowd, rather than "choosing" to smoke it, and thus is hard to discuss reasons with him because he doesn't really have any.

If he is the second group then I would only really get too involved if it is effecting his college/school/job, chat to him about it and the risk, however I wouldn't start laying the law down otherwise he might start rebelling more.

If he is in the third group (which is doesn't sound like sadly) then I would leave it (unless it effects school/work as above) as he isn't doing anything abnormal.

In short the gist of what I'm saying is that not all teenagers who smoke weed are bad, so before you go in hammer and fist take a step back and think is the weed actually effecting the rest of their lives. If not then they are probably like 40% of people that age and thus punishing will probably do very little

My reasoning for the above comes from the fact that I know/have known people in all three groups (luckily less of the first group now) and have transversed many friendship groups since year 10 (including for a while some chavs including one who is currently going through the court process for posssesion with intent to supply cannabis) and thus seen pretty much all points of view on smoking weed that teenagers have and witnessed its effects on people (Which to be honest I have never seen it effect anyone badly apart from the first group)

(If your wondering I'm a 17 year old guy)

[hilary2012]

Thanks for posts; especially from Luke - good to get an insight from someone your age. He is definitely not a 'stoner', and not an 'occasional' I fear...he seems to go to 'parties/sleepovers' at the weekends and hangs around with older (16/17) year olds) kids. He does not see that there is a problem at all as 'all' his crowd are doing it. I believe they have tried MDMA from texts I have seen - "I'm on MD at the mo" to one of his friends???
BIG WORRY - I am going grey because it affecting his school. They suspect drug use and are getting very close to excluding him permanently, because he has all the other 'cannabis' symptoms - lack of motivation, quick temper, rude, loss of interest in all activities that he used to like before....Completely gutted because he is a bright, lovely lad who is spiralling downhill, and I don't know what to do to stop it happening......... :-(

[tickingboxes]

Hi OP, I'm not being judgmental so please don't take this the wrong way - but IMO you seem to give your DS a lot of freedom for a 14 year old - not knowing where he is at the weekend for example?

I would clamp down on that fast first.

[Spidermama]

It's amazing how many teenagers smoke weed. My 13 year old ds and my 15 year old dd have tried it.
Its a worrying but very 'normal' part of teen life these days.

[hilary2012]

He always texts to tell me where he is, so I DO know where he is if he sleeps over, but not that that helps in the slightest ............knowing where he is, except that I sleep a little better.
I agree that loads of teenagers are doing it, but mine is getting caught and this is having SERIOUS consequences on his future.

[tickingboxes]

My Mum wouldn't let me see ANY friends at 14 until she had contact with their parents first.

Is this hideously old-fashioned now?

[TeamSouthfields]

borrow a book from the library or get / download a leaflet from the net about the dangers of drunks and leave in his room....

Why would anyone shop there own child for smoking cannabis??? U could mess up there whole career!

[Claybury]

Hilary. I'm in similar situation although my DS15 is working hard at school at the moment. They smoke every weekend and tried so called party drugs in the summer including mdma.
I know people think you should be able to 'stop' them but the reality is you can't. But I wonder if your DS is still young enough that you could tighten up a little? I've stopped all sleepovers, and tightened curfews although I still don't know where he goes & have no idea who his friends are. I've stopped his allowance so I am not funding his lifestyle. He sees a drug counsellor, not sure how much good that's doing .

How does yours feel about the threat of exclusion? Wouldn't he need to be caught in school high/ with drugs to get excluded ? I've discussed my son's drug use with school and they have been fairly supportive. It's a big London school and they've seen it all before. ( because he is working well I wanted them to keep an eye on him as he isn't one to attract attention).

[lukebsf1]

It is possible for him to turn himself around now, Out of a group of roughly 20 people who were the same as your son aged 14 I now know 3 who are predicted A's and B's at A-level and have completely turned themselves around. The rest still sadly haven't changed much, and even more sadly many others have joined that group.

The 3 that did change however were the ones that suddenly took their education seriously, this happened when the started doing GCSE's, they then worked hard and realised that what they were doing before was really going to hamper their lives.

So what I would advise you to do. Is to not nag him because that may drive him further away from you however to instead try and very gently persuade him and make him realise that education is important. Hopefully he may then catch on and then remove himself from that group himself. There is no way you can force him to move away from that group if he doesn't want too. The only way I have seen it done is for the teen to realise it themselves.

I wish the best of luck too you. It will be hard as that group of people really tend to draw others in and its hard for them to escape, however it is possible. Esspecially because he has a loving mother like you, most of the groups parents won't give two shits about their offspring, however the fact you do hopefully will give you and advantage.

Also however, if he does change then don't expect him to be an angel all of a sudden, the three I know still all smoke tobbaco and weed, however they do it more sensibly now.

[Claybury]

Luke what's your experience of the progression to harder drugs ? The group my son is in have been trying ketamine , mdma , 2cb ( at raves/festivals , not in the park) . They are in year 11 and while at school fairly sensible and studying but next summer after GCSE is not a time I'm looking forward to.

[lukebsf1]

Claybury

In my experience if they are studying hard at GCSE then that kind of people generally are ok, I know a group (I'm actually pretty good friends with them but don't do they drugs) that sounds exactly like that, and they are doing pretty well at college as they have motivation to do well in education and life, however they do experiment with tonnes of various drugs at the weekends.

Especially since yours sons group have been doing it only at festivals then they do seem to be the kind of people who are able to regulate their drug taking, and therefore mostly tend to be ok as they can seperate work from social life. If they all are motivated to go to sixth form/college then they may have a wild summer however then set back down to work again.

In my view the drugs arn't normally what causes the problems, its the people they take them with that does.

Just to say however I'm basing this off my experience and what I see around me, I'm not a professional in any way.

[Onefewernow]

We have been there with DD.

I think it's critical to keep talking and not judging him. Although you can judge drugs.

Please also read up leaflets on drugs too eg Ask Frank ones, so that you have more up to date info than he does.

FWIW the local community policeman paid us a visit to say he had seen DD with people who were doing it, but couldn't prove she was.

It had a dramatic effect on her, partly because I was pretty cross about having police at the door. She was v upset and hasn't touched it since.

I do think the critical, critical, crucial thing is that their lives are basically ok- decent friends, good course, supportive family, reasonable self esteem. Because it is the ones without this who go on from a bit of experiment to much more use of it.