I really need advice with how to deal with this delicate situation.
My 17 year old DD has been increasingly disrespectful, rude, moody, naughty etc, having parties at home, trashing the place, hanging around with older people, getting drunk. I have been trying to deal with each thing individually telling her the behaviour is unacceptable to me and shows no respect for me. She often starts crying saying she hates her life and says she can't deal with talking to me about it. She has also always been very volatile and every one does walk on egg shells around her a lot.
But - the other night during the week in half term, she went to the shops at tea time, brought her 18 year old boyfriend back and they had bought a bottle of vodka. I had an old school friend visiting me and when she went to bed, I could her my DD and her BF making a lot of noise (music, shouting, laughing etc) in her bedroom so I went up to ask her to keep it down and found her completely drunk and both of them naked 'spooning' (I'm not sure if they were having sex, but it is not really the point). I went straight back out and called her from outside the door asking her to come downstairs and speak to me.
She came down, very cocky, arguing with me etc and when I asked her to ask her boyfriend to leave, she said if he goes then she goes with him. She then got more and more hysterical, I did a terrible thing and slapped her round the face. I don't know why I did it - she was shocked and got even more hysterical! I tried to justify it, said it wasn't that hard but i know there is absolutely no excuse and I do feel really bad.
But, she has not been back for 2 nights now. She is replying to my text messages with very short answers but said she is coming home to get some more stuff later. I asked her where for and how long she was planning to be away for and she just said she didn't know. She won't meet me or talk to me about what happened.
I honestly don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel really sad, guilty, hurting, heart broken, worried, (sick and not sleeping) and know she needs my support to get her through 6th form and on the other hand, I'm still fuming she and her boyfriend thought it was ok to treat me that way and is being unrepentful even now. She is a good girl at heart and could do so well in life. I want to teach her respect, but don't want to drive her away forever and she ends up going down the wrong path..
I think you start by appologising for your own behaviour.
This is all she will be thinking about, she won't be thinking about what she has done, just what you have done. Teenagers are like that, they have a different thought process.
As far as she is concerned you have barged in to her room totally embarrassing her, then called her down stairs, embarrassing her more and then punched her.
I know you didn't punch her, but this is what a 17year old with a hangover will be telling everyone including herself.
Do you have rules in the house? If she doesn't have rules how does she know if she is breaking them? (again teenager point of view)
Also if I'd been allowed vodka and a boyfriend in my bedroom at 17 I would probably, scratch that, I would definitely be naked after a while.
I wouldn't do that now. I'm an adult, I consider other people and how my actions impact on them, I didn't at 17.
1) appologise, violence is never an answer 2) never try to argue with a drunk. Don't ask her to ask him anything. If you are not happy with him being naked in your house tell him to go. 3) talk about rules and expectations WITH her, not at her, not dictating but ask her what she thinks is reasonable, you might be surprised.
I have apologised although she won't meet me yet but has been texting. She is basically saying that I'm always having a go at her and she wants us to have a good relationship but doesn't think we are 'compatible' (basically, I don't let her do whatever she wants and then I lose my temper when she constantly argues with me). She has suggested that she could 'stay' with someone else and we still see each other every day. I pointed out that she doesn't earn any money which would be a big problem (I think she will probably expect me to pay for her).
She is going to go and stay with her Dad for a few days so I am hoping she will calm down before they go back to school on Monday and we can talk and she comes home. The crucial thing, and is the bit I'm struggling with, is on what basis. I know I was terribly in the wrong for hitting her, it is unforgivable, but I can't put up with her behaviour as it was before either! I want her home, of course, I love her to bits and pieces and want to be able to guide her and support her through her education and just in life, but how do you compromise with a 17 year old who doesn't even think she did anything wrong!