Struggling with all of this- need help

(6 Posts)
cloudreader Sat 26-Oct-13 18:06:49

Here is a brief overview of how things were a year ago.I had a 16 year old daughter sociable outgoing happy outlook.
Then she met her now boyfriend.He is a really nice lad he is polite but really quiet and will normally only through our daughter.He brings her home always, in blizzards torrential rains he never dumps her on the bus late at night.Mostly I have no issue with him aside from that he is out of work and does nothing to encourage our daughter to have any interests.Since she has met him she no longer wears make up,is picky around food which he has issues with(restrictive diet due to fitness) maintains she is shy and doesnt like speaking to people.

His family has major problems as in some of them are in prison or in care and I get that he as an 18 year old has a lot to deal with in his newly acquired head of house status so quite often she spends time there.I have to negotiate for time with my daughter yet she freely will tell me how lovely her boyfriends family are.Today she has gone to town with her boyfriends mum shopping yet when I have asked her I get a strop or a crap excuse.She can be really off with us and I am finding myself more and more having to think out what I am going to say or guage the mood.

I feel that we are clinging to the side of a cliff by our fingers.We love our daughter dearly but a bit of me feel that we are losing her a bit by the day.Is all this normal stuff will it pass does anyone have any tips to keep the door of communication open to us?

ThisIsMummyPig Sun 27-Oct-13 01:08:27

I don't know, but I wanted to bump it in the hope that someone will answer you.

If it helps though, I didn't see a lot of my parents when I was about 18, due to my BF of the time, and we have a decent relationship now.

BOF Sun 27-Oct-13 01:10:35

He's 18? Not in education or a job? Cn you tell us a bit more?

KeatsiePie Sun 27-Oct-13 01:20:42

Well, she is probably romanticizing his hoh. responsibilities and his diet/fitness commitment. And that's probably b/c he's probably making a big deal of his decisions in order to create the feeling that he has the ability to stabilize his life. So then she would rather be around his fascinating off-the-beaten-track family than around her dull normal family. Normal enough.

The no makeup thing -- I don't wear any, so tend to think good for her, unless you think she is not wearing it only to please him.

The unsociable thing -- this is the hard one I think. Either she feels like her friends are immature compared to this heroic boy and his travails, which I think will pass, or she just only wants to be with him b/c that's how young love is, which I think will pass, or he's too possessive/controlling of her time and interests b/c he wants her attention/admiration/support, which would be a problem. But if he doesn't seem possessive or controlling I honestly wouldn't worry much. Have they been together long?

chocoluvva Sun 27-Oct-13 10:36:01

My sympathies - it must be worrying and frustrating seeing a change that is not for the better in your DD as a result of her relationship with someone who may not have her best interests at heart.

I'm sure KeatsiePie is right, though it's hard not to worry, especially when your DD is at the stage in her life where her education is very important.

I would encourage him to spend time at your home, especially round the dinner table. Take a sympathetic interest in him and his lack of work. Avoid saying anything negative about him or his mum.

I think this sort of relationship is quite common at your DD's age (speaking from my experience as a mum, my time on MN and from the things I've heard from other mums). If you can manage to pretend you're happy for your DD and continue to nurture her self-esteem and confidence in herself the relationship will hopefully not last too long.

KeatsiePie Sun 27-Oct-13 18:54:06

Hey, I didn't mean to sound dismissive. I would be worried too, but would also be telling myself the things I wrote above, to make sure that I was not worrying too soon, if that makes sense.

I really like choccoluvva's suggestion of getting him over for dinner and of how to talk to him when he's there -- really great advice. It sounds like he could use the warmth of some family dinners and then you'd be better able to observe how he seems to affect her. Again I really think the problem would be if he seems to be controlling her at all, if these changes in her seem to come not from her romanticizing of her new bf.'s life and choices in a normal temporary way, but from him trying to influence her too much. It didn't sound to me from your OP like he was controlling or dominating, which is why I assumed it was more just the rabbit hole of young love, if that makes sense. Seeing how he speaks to her, and responds to you, will probably tell you a lot, especially if you can make it a regular thing, once every week or two.

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