Can't carry on, emotionally had enough of 16 yr old DD1 I'm in urgent need of advice PLEASE

(103 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 03:56:50

This is my 3rd thread. Can't deal with this anymore sad 16 yr old DD. After weeks of problems (first two threads) it all started yet again today, she told us she is doing this and doing that and we said as long as she does her homework, has dinner & does her chore of washing the dishes she can go out every evening till 9:30pm with her boyfriend or friends. She replied with she doesn't have to ask if she can go out and will come in when she pleases. We have said that no it's homework, dinner & chore then go out till 9:30 that's the deal. Then she said about this ball that she's been invited to which is on the same day as my birthday meal where there will be friends and my whole family. DD said that she's going to the ball and sleeping over in a hotel room with her boyfriend whether we like it or not and she doesn't want to come to my pathetic birthday meal. We said she will be the only member of the family that won't be there and she said BF's family are my family, you're not, they care for me more then you do and they aren't trouble like you! We told her to stop being so rude and she stomped off upstairs kicking everything along the way, then we hear her in our bedroom and go to investigate, her excuse was she was packing her things and going to BF's house and wanted to find a holdall bag. I asked her to leave my room and go and either sit in the lounge or go to her room to calm down. At this point she then blocked me from getting out of my own room, I asked her to move and let me get through and she kept pushing herself into me I called my other DD2 out of her room to ask her to get daddy to help me get downstairs with that DD1 tried pushing me into a collection of glasses and cups that she had removed from her room earlier and was meant to take downstairs. I told her to stop pushing me cause if I land on them it's going to hurt and she said so what now you know what it's like being stopped from doing something and she proceeded to push into me more. DH came up stairs and told her to get off me and let me pass she let me get to the top of the stairs then she stood in front of them and wouldn't let me by again and said that I was trying to push her down the stairs (although might I add I was not touching her with any part of me, she was pushing her body into me to shove me backwards) she eventually moved out of the way and allowed me downstairs. I got in contact with my disabled mum for some advice and she said bring her here and she can spend the night to
Calm down. I got DD1 into the car and drove the 40 minute journey to mums house and then DD1 wouldn't get out of the car, screaming at me and trying to lock me out of the car, I stopped her using the hijack lock and she managed to twist my elbow and punch my hand I realised that there was no way I was taking her into my elderly mum the way she was acting so I got back into the car to drive away and DD1 then climbed into the back seat and wouldn't put her seatbelt on I said I wanted to go home she needed to belt up so I could pull away and she eventually did after about 10 minutes of refusing and then when I was driving along she took the seat belt off while I was on the motorway -.- I told her to put it on and she replied with You know I could smash this car window and jump out, I said don't be so silly now belt up so we can get up safe, she then accused me of kidnapping her and said that she's hated me for months and she doesn't know why she calls me mummy cause I'm rotten and when I die she will be so happy then she said as a matter of fact when both you and daddy go I will have a party cause I don't love any of you now take me to BFs house NOW!

When we reached home she walked into the house kicked the vase in the hallway then the cat and stormed into the lounge. Again we said if she can stop this disrespect she can still go to the ball but we will pick her up at 2am.

I said that I was going to have a chat with her BF to see if that was ok with him (just to make sure he didn't get stroppy with DD1 for it) he was completely fine about it and when I told DD1 that it's all fine she called me a Fucking Whore for talking to her BF and smashed the crap out of her bedroom door again.

Then 30 minutes later she came down and took my new shower gel from the side (newly unpacked shopping from before argument happened) and also took my own personal towel that belonged to grandad and went to go back upstairs. I asked her to use the shower gel that was bought for her and her sister and to use her own towel or the household towels she picked up a bottle of shampoo and threw it at me (smashing and going everywhere on the floor) then she started laughing at me like it was all a big joke. Ran upstairs had a bath and hair wash then came downstairs demanding to know where I was going (I was going to the 24 hour shop to get headache tablets as head was thudding by this time and elbow was throbbing) I told her where I was going and she tried forcing past me to get into the car, I said no she wasn't coming with me as one I need to be alone for a little while and two it was gone midnight and she has school in the morning. I had to get her Dad to help stop her coming with me and get her back indoors. On my return she made a point of sitting in the seat I always sit in so I just ignored it and asked her and DH if they would like a warm drink and she mumbled something then stomped upstairs again calling us all pathetic idiots. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please someone give me some advice that I haven't tried already sad

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 16:04:51

Also just to add we don't make the girls call us mummy and daddy they just always have and that's their choice not ours.

Oh we do go to the pub for meals (did this only last week) we go on family and on girlie shopping trips and have been to a number of rock concerts smile

Also may I add that the friends house I went to last night is also DD1's best friends house and DD2's best friends house smile

Believe me we have been treating her like a young lady, we have been discussing her impending driving lessons and also her career choice and where she wants to go from there etc etc.

We also have a little thing we do where we take a vote on what meals we will have the following week so that everyone gets a choice and a couple of times a week the girls join in and we cook as a family smile

uptheanty Sat 12-Oct-13 16:36:36

Normal service is resumed!

Why ask?

HoleyGhost Sat 12-Oct-13 16:38:32

At what age will you allow her to take responsibility for her own study, eating, phone, uniform organisation etc?

uptheanty Sat 12-Oct-13 16:41:48

It's very clear you are a great mum, you make so much effort!

People suggesting new things to try and questioning your choices is what we do to get clarity. It doesn't mean you're rubbish!!

I've had totally shock experiences with mine- doesn't make me rubbish.

Teenagers unless you've had one ......

Mumtomygirls Sat 12-Oct-13 16:59:12

We have already tried that and she got kicked off the nursing route she wanted to study, she also has control over her own breakfast and lunch (just not the family meal each day- dinner) work uniform we also have done that but we don't want the washing machine going on at 1am in the morning then her screaming and shouting cause she forgot to put it in the tumble dryer and literally only got up 30 minutes before she's due at work then expects a lift cause she's running late. Again organisation we have tried and are still trying, we have told her to log her hours down at work cause she hardly ever remembers what hours she's worked then she says that work haven't paid her correctly etc etc we also have tried with organisational skills with giving her tasks like planning and preparing meals, time keeping, even down to designing her own bedroom in a way that makes it more space efficient etc and this is why we have laid some guidelines along the way.
We have tried leaving getting to school in her control and gave her a guideline of leaving the house 30 minutes before school starts although it only takes 20 minutes to slow walk to school and she still leaves it till 5 minutes before school starts to be ready so then we have to take her in the car which seems like a reward half the time so we have said that lifts are a privilege now and will only be given in bad weather or other exceptional circumstances

The one thing I hate about black & white txt is the fact that emotions can be misinterpreted :/ uptheanty teens are sure as heck hard work but I'm
Sure it will all be worth it when we see a well adjust adult in front of us in years to come smile

I'm open to people's opinions and suggestions but only of they have experienced having a teen because only then can people truly understand the turmoil of hormones and emotions that are flying around on a daily basis.

MissStrawberry Sat 12-Oct-13 17:18:24

You sound grateful and relieved she is behaving. You shouldn't be. You should just be able to know she will.

Saying you will only take advice from those who have teens is quite rude and controlling imo. While everyone on here might not have a teen we have sure as well been one!

shockers Sat 12-Oct-13 17:30:00

DS1 once spoiled my birthday by simply not coming home. I was furious, he didn't care. After a stream of incidents similar to those you describe, we finally said it was time for him to leave. We helped him with his rent for a little flat, took food bags round from time to time and accepted bags of washing, but we wouldn't let him come back to live with us, he made me ill and our younger children frightened.

He is now 26 and one of the nicest people I know. He regularly phones me for long talks (he's living in France at the moment) and for a bit of 'Mummy wisdom' (his words!). He struggles with mood swings still, but has learnt to recognise his limits and keeps a low profile when he feels the irritation rising... just like me.

Good luck OP. Don't write her off, but don't let her treat you this way. If this becomes normal behaviour to her, she will lose friends and find it very difficult to turn things around. Your love for may be unconditional, but others won't feel the same and she'll become a very lonely girl.

insanityscratching Sat 12-Oct-13 17:39:40

I have one current teen and three past their teens and for me I would say you treat your dd like a child and I'm not surprised she's angry and playing up. At sixteen you need to allow her to take control of her own life so she should be sorting out her studying/work uniform/phone/ social life. Yes she will mess up but that's how she will learn.
I think it's unreasonable to expect that she will eat with you and wash up daily. I understand the chore requirement but surely it could be her responsibility to do a chore that has more flexibility as to when she does it as in effect you are dictating when she eats and if she can go out seven days a week.
It is her responsibility to do her homework why are you involved? If she doesn't do it then she will suffer the consequences.
I think you need to back off, give her fewer rules and more autonomy rather than trying to infantilise her. You know the current calm will only last until she gets fed up of it don't you?
It's time to recognise your dd is a young adult, one who could get married, have a child, and join the forces legally and without your blessing which makes your rules seem really petty don't you think?

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 17:48:42

Well, I don't know about other posters on this thread, but I do know that Flow and I have teenagers.....

On one occasion I told my then 16YO DD she should do her homework before she settled down on the sofa and she replied that she was going to, but now she just didn't feel like it. It was "sooo annoying being TOLD to do it"........

I think you're missing the point. No-one is saying you're doing anything silly. We all want our DC to be healthy and fulfil their educational potential - but we need to be encouraging a sense of responsibility and self-discipline. And preparing them for life outside the home.

I can identify with you. I am extremely frustrated by my DD's late night texting/instagramming/FBing etc but if I were to insist on her giving up control of her phone she would feel outraged and I'm pretty sure she'd exercise her desire for freedom of choice in some other way eg smoking or drinking. Sooner or later she'll hopefully come to the decision by herself that it's better for her to get more sleep. And I try REALLY hard to give them a healthy diet.

Thing is - you can't make someone lead the perfect lifestyle or be the perfect person. But you can bust a gut trying. And you don't want your DC to feel that you have nothing much else in your life but the appetite to pick up the pieces after them and do battle with them to ensure they have the optimum lifestyle.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 17:49:59

x-posted. Sorry, again.

flow4 Sat 12-Oct-13 20:22:55

Yup, I have two teenagers. And DS1 at 16 was much worse than you have described your DD, but now at 18 is growing into a pleasant, responsible young man. Phew! smile I've learned a lot...

The thing is, Mumto, your daughter must learn to take responsibility for herself. She cannot become a functioning adult - and you won't have done your job as her parent - until she does. And it is far, far better for her to experiment, argue, challenge and fail, while she is living safely at home, than to find herself out in the adult world aged 18 or more, used to her mum taking control of everything, and having no idea what to do.

Notice I didn't ask you why you tell your DD to come in at 9:30pm and leave her phone on the mantelpiece at night - I asked you when you intend to let her decide for herself. I'd still be interested in your answer...

I understand exactly why you have these rules, and your reasons are perfectly logical. But the problem is, they are your reasons: you are controlling her actions, and denying her the practice she needs to learn and grow up.

I'd go so far as to say that if you don't loosen up a bit and let her take more responsibility for herself, then she must rebel... Her instincts will tell her that's the only way she can learn how to be an adult...

chocoluvva Sat 12-Oct-13 20:57:18

I've just realised that several of the posters on this thread have teenagers OP.

I had no idea it would be so difficult sometimes. I think I thought that as we're a 'nice' family our teenage children would be reasonably sensible. blush grin. Or something. Sometimes I look back at my teenage years and feel frustrated that my DC don't have some of the good qualities I had. Then I remember how stupidly I behaved and the way I thought my mum knew nothing about anything important, ie boys, clothes, school. As an adult, however, I all but idolised her. I now feel privileged to have had such a wise and thoughtful mum. Not as a teenager though.

To offer you some comfort I think they often begin to be a bit more reasonable around the age of 17. (Famous last words.....)

sandyballs Sun 13-Oct-13 07:40:47

Choccoluva, that's exactly what I've always thought. That if kids from a nice background then they'll be ok. But I've come to tHe scary conclusion that its not the case, I've seen some teens from lovely homes go right off the rails.

I just hope my two keep talking to us although one of them tells us very little already.

DropYourSword Sun 13-Oct-13 07:53:25

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I see nothing wrong with your set of rules. I don't think they are at all extensive!!

GeorginaWorsley Sun 13-Oct-13 09:20:57

Have had 3 teens as I said upthread.
Nothing easy about the teen years with DD1
I do think you control her life too much though and that is why every so often she rebels big style.
Let her take control of studying,sleeping,phone,etc
She will never learn any life skills at this rate
DD1 was hell,now 24 and good job,house,child of her own,great partner.
She very close to us now,despite frequently telling us how awful we were all those years ago!

Doinmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 11:20:27

Op listen to Flow she knows her shit. grin

Doinmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 11:39:37

Op I too have a teen. Have been through the mill- drugs, drinking, police, shoplifting, destruction of property, refusing to go to school.

I am fully qualified to comment

Mumtomygirls Tue 15-Oct-13 02:17:19

Hi all sorry for delay in replying.

All is still going well, had one hiccup when all out today and that was because DD1 didn't like the fact that myself and DH were trying to decide on what to have for dinner and wasn't paying DD1 enough attention when she was begging for money to pay for some underwear that she wanted (not needed) she decided to throw the garments into a shelf and storm off leaving us all wondering what the heck had just happened and then when she decided to stop storming off round the shop she came back and said she was annoyed cause we weren't paying her attention. However we had already said we weren't giving her anymore money as we had already put a shirt as a treat in the basket for her. Which may I add because of her outburst and continued disgust that we wasn't giving her £10 went back on the rail.
We finished doing the shopping we needed and went back to the car ready to travel
To the next shop (5 minutes down the road) by that time she had broken down in tears and apologised. Had a little chat and explained that we know it's hard being 16 cause you want to rule everything but then you want someone there to hold your hand etc etc and that it's a whole mix of emotions that does eventually get better. We went into the next shop got what was needed with no treats for DD1 came out, went for dinner and then asked DD1 of she wanted to come with myself and DD2 to friends house or she could go home with DH and either have quality father/daughter time or go out and see her boyfriend and she asked of she could come with me and DD2. Had a lovely evening at friends came home DD1 got washed and ready for bed kissed me good night and went straight to sleep

I'm making sure I don't allow her to manipulate me any more and have still given her the same chances to make her own decisions smile

Although everything isn't perfect we are managing to defuse situations before they become an argument and we can clearly see she doesn't like how myself and DH have pulled together but I'm afraid it's tough. I actually feel much stronger knowing he is now seeing what has been happening and we are going to get through this together

DropYourSword Tue 15-Oct-13 02:22:24

I think it sounds like you've had an amazing result by being a strong parent who won't let her push you around. She is benefiting from knowing that your boundaries are strong. I think a lot of teens test those boundaries and because you let her get away with it she kept pushing further and further. She was probably in a free fall too, and is really helping her that you are stronger now!
Thanks for updating.

chocoluvva Tue 15-Oct-13 11:10:23

Yes, thanks for updating.

I hope your DD continues to be generally be more settled.

My advice was given from the experience of having teens who are desperate to exercise their own choices - that is one of my DD's main goals .Eg, she wants to live in a privatele rented flat when she goes to uni even though we live within 25 mins away from the uni. She sometimes make poor choices in order to do her own thing. She can be very frustrating with her constant inability to be advised. In general though, I think I have a reasonable relationship with her and recently I think she's beginning to appreciate the freedom that she's allowed compared with some of her friends.

But your DD has the additional difficulty of having a problem managing her temper it seems. It sounds like you're doing a great job of staying firm but calm where it's required (in the shop.) Well done. So difficult.

You must let her gradually take more responsibility for herself though. That's how she'll develop resilience to the inevitable setbacks she will face in adult life.

(I hope this doesn't sound patronising. It was your first post about her BF and his mother that struck a chord with me.)

katiecola Tue 15-Oct-13 13:41:39

I'm new to this site and joined because I'm desperate for help with my teenage daughter. I read your post and I'm ashamed to say that it you have made me feel so much better, just to know I'm not alone! I am going through virtually the exact same behavior-My daughter is 15, she also shut me in my bedroom and wouldn't let me pass on the stairs! Your comment about being cold hearted is so true. My daughter sees me upset and seems to enjoy it. I have no magic answers but just remember it won't last and we will get our lovely daughters back again.

flow4 Tue 15-Oct-13 20:29:49

You're definitely not alone, katie, sadly. sad I lost count of the times my DS shut me in my own room or blocked my way... But you're right it doesn't last... About two years, in my son's case. He's now 18 and much improved. smile

differentnameforthis Wed 16-Oct-13 09:10:07

she does get taken to school in the morning stop that. from an early age I was getting buses to school

and to work at the weekend stop that too, again, I worked from 14 & I never once got a lift to & from work by either parent. Even walking home in the dark at 15 sometimes (usually because I couldn't be bothered to wait for a bus)

and when she goes out she gets picked up Depends what time it was, but mostly I was expected to get myself home. Usually friends parent would do it, or my sister would come get me.

We buy 75% of her clothes and toiletries Stop. Why should you do this for her when she is so nasty & controlling to you? I would buy my daughters their toiletries, but not if they treated me like shit.

we wash her clothing even Down to her work Uniform stop this too. Let her go to work in a dirty uniform & see how long she keeps her job for.

This kid needs some life lessons. I would do NONE of the above if my daughters spoke to me like that!

Mumtomygirls Thu 17-Oct-13 04:54:50

Hi quick update. Yesterday DD1 decided she was "poorly" and didn't want to go into school. We decided to let her make her own mind up about whether she was poorly enough to stay off school.
Low and behold within a couple of hours she was raiding the kitchen cupboards etc
Both myself and DH had day off so was at home anyway evening time came and DD1 asked if she was allowed to go and see boyfriend. However we have always said to both our girls that if they're not well enough for school then they don't go out to socialise that afternoon/evening.

DD1 kicked up a fuss, wrote a Facebook status saying how she was hard done by etc etc she also told me to piss off :/ stormed off up stairs and said she didn't want to join in with the rest of us making dinner and he wasn't hungry and we are out of order etc etc. I told her not to talk to me like that and DH told her to think about her actions.

Myself DD2 & DH all left her to it and proceeded to the kitchen where we made dinner from scratch (I know it sounds petty but it's a little thing we enjoy doing together as a family) anyway DD2 had the task of making DD1's homemade burgers while I made mine & DH and he got the drinks and table set dinner was finally cooked and called D1 down for dinner and this is where the shocker happens shock she said she had made a status but deleted it within 5 minutes because she realised how immature it was! She sat down and absolutely demolished her dinner and even sat with us for pudding and said thank you to us three for a lovely dinner and sat afterwards on the sofa with her sister drawing together then at bedtime she turned her phone off left it in the lounge and got a glass of water gave us a kiss good night and said "I love you mummy, I love you daddy" of course our reply was that we love her too. It was so nice for her to actually admit within such a short space that she recognised her actions weren't mature and she rectified them.

DD2 is loving the fact that DD1 is showing some respect again she even said it feels like her big sister is coming back and not trying to cause many arguments anymore.

So all in all although not perfect (because nothin is perfect) a good day

I feel much much stronger now. Thank you to everyone that has commented I have read the replies some
Of them more than once or twice smile

Mumtomygirls Thu 17-Oct-13 04:56:01

She*

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