Can't carry on, emotionally had enough of 16 yr old DD1 I'm in urgent need of advice PLEASE(103 Posts)
This is my 3rd thread. Can't deal with this anymore 16 yr old DD. After weeks of problems (first two threads) it all started yet again today, she told us she is doing this and doing that and we said as long as she does her homework, has dinner & does her chore of washing the dishes she can go out every evening till 9:30pm with her boyfriend or friends. She replied with she doesn't have to ask if she can go out and will come in when she pleases. We have said that no it's homework, dinner & chore then go out till 9:30 that's the deal. Then she said about this ball that she's been invited to which is on the same day as my birthday meal where there will be friends and my whole family. DD said that she's going to the ball and sleeping over in a hotel room with her boyfriend whether we like it or not and she doesn't want to come to my pathetic birthday meal. We said she will be the only member of the family that won't be there and she said BF's family are my family, you're not, they care for me more then you do and they aren't trouble like you! We told her to stop being so rude and she stomped off upstairs kicking everything along the way, then we hear her in our bedroom and go to investigate, her excuse was she was packing her things and going to BF's house and wanted to find a holdall bag. I asked her to leave my room and go and either sit in the lounge or go to her room to calm down. At this point she then blocked me from getting out of my own room, I asked her to move and let me get through and she kept pushing herself into me I called my other DD2 out of her room to ask her to get daddy to help me get downstairs with that DD1 tried pushing me into a collection of glasses and cups that she had removed from her room earlier and was meant to take downstairs. I told her to stop pushing me cause if I land on them it's going to hurt and she said so what now you know what it's like being stopped from doing something and she proceeded to push into me more. DH came up stairs and told her to get off me and let me pass she let me get to the top of the stairs then she stood in front of them and wouldn't let me by again and said that I was trying to push her down the stairs (although might I add I was not touching her with any part of me, she was pushing her body into me to shove me backwards) she eventually moved out of the way and allowed me downstairs. I got in contact with my disabled mum for some advice and she said bring her here and she can spend the night to
Calm down. I got DD1 into the car and drove the 40 minute journey to mums house and then DD1 wouldn't get out of the car, screaming at me and trying to lock me out of the car, I stopped her using the hijack lock and she managed to twist my elbow and punch my hand I realised that there was no way I was taking her into my elderly mum the way she was acting so I got back into the car to drive away and DD1 then climbed into the back seat and wouldn't put her seatbelt on I said I wanted to go home she needed to belt up so I could pull away and she eventually did after about 10 minutes of refusing and then when I was driving along she took the seat belt off while I was on the motorway -.- I told her to put it on and she replied with You know I could smash this car window and jump out, I said don't be so silly now belt up so we can get up safe, she then accused me of kidnapping her and said that she's hated me for months and she doesn't know why she calls me mummy cause I'm rotten and when I die she will be so happy then she said as a matter of fact when both you and daddy go I will have a party cause I don't love any of you now take me to BFs house NOW!
When we reached home she walked into the house kicked the vase in the hallway then the cat and stormed into the lounge. Again we said if she can stop this disrespect she can still go to the ball but we will pick her up at 2am.
I said that I was going to have a chat with her BF to see if that was ok with him (just to make sure he didn't get stroppy with DD1 for it) he was completely fine about it and when I told DD1 that it's all fine she called me a Fucking Whore for talking to her BF and smashed the crap out of her bedroom door again.
Then 30 minutes later she came down and took my new shower gel from the side (newly unpacked shopping from before argument happened) and also took my own personal towel that belonged to grandad and went to go back upstairs. I asked her to use the shower gel that was bought for her and her sister and to use her own towel or the household towels she picked up a bottle of shampoo and threw it at me (smashing and going everywhere on the floor) then she started laughing at me like it was all a big joke. Ran upstairs had a bath and hair wash then came downstairs demanding to know where I was going (I was going to the 24 hour shop to get headache tablets as head was thudding by this time and elbow was throbbing) I told her where I was going and she tried forcing past me to get into the car, I said no she wasn't coming with me as one I need to be alone for a little while and two it was gone midnight and she has school in the morning. I had to get her Dad to help stop her coming with me and get her back indoors. On my return she made a point of sitting in the seat I always sit in so I just ignored it and asked her and DH if they would like a warm drink and she mumbled something then stomped upstairs again calling us all pathetic idiots. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please someone give me some advice that I haven't tried already
16 year olds are bloody hard work.
However, you are being so accomodating that your DD will never value anything you do. SHe walks all over you and you still come back for more. SO on your birthday meal, you will not only be missing a person, but will also have to fetch her at 2am - so no drinkies for you, no relaing evening, no snuggles with DH, becausse one of you is going to have to fetch madam at 2am....nice birthday.
My opinion, as a mother of a 16yo DD....
Let her go to the ball on the proviso that she is home by 2 and she needs to arrange her own lift home. No lift, no ball. If she doesnt like it, tough.
If she wants to live at the boyfriend, let her. However, speak to the BFs mum and ask if that has been discussed and let her know whats going on at home, so that the BF family have a choice about whether or not they can accept that. Get them on side, as ultimately, teenage relationships are a transient. Plus they must be at college - theres a lot of work to be done, and they need to focus.
Id also make it clear to DD that if she chooses to move out, you will not provide any financial assistance. ANd that the BF family will expect £25-30 a week board - make sure she knows that food, water, electricity etc do not come cheap. Tough love it out.
Washing: In our house, if its not in the basket on washing day, it doesnt get done by me. My DD currently has most of her stuff on the floordrobe. SHe has no clean knickers. I dont care, as until they are in the laundry basket, they are not my responsibility.
Food: In our house, there is always food on the table at a set time, If she eats it, good, if shes not there and has not let me know she is not requiring dinner then my
gannet ds will eat her share. There is food in the fridge and she can make herself something.
Clothes: SHe earns £150pm and you are still buying her clothes? That stops today! Let her buy her own clothing, her own specialist toiletries. Obviously you can provide soap, toothpaste and whatever family shampoo/showergel is required, but she should buy the rest.
I think a basic phone contract (capped - I use Tesco) is something I would (and do) continue to provide.
You need to let her know that this entitled behaviour has consequences, and that you are queen in your home, not her.
You will not lose her through being tough. She may hate you for a while, but she will come back eventually and appreciate what a cow she was.
The thing I find difficult in this sort of situation is to judge what my teen is really needing/thinking etc. The cynic in me thinks that your DD might be making a point of being co-operative for the time being as she's so desperate to go to the ball that she'll do what she has to to be allowed to go or have you impose a further embarrassing sanction. But I hope Flow is right.
Then again, I remember the time my DD called to ask if she could stay out for dinner and the evening. I thought it would be better if she came home and got on with some things, but I airily told her it was up to her, thanks for phoning etc, only for her to later say that she wouldn't have minded coming home for dinner as planned. How was I to know?
It's so difficult at this stage when they're legally and physically able to do their own thing but are too inexperienced to always make sensible choices, and anyway they're sharing your home so everyone needs some peace and at least some floor/workstop space free of clutter . But it might not be helping them to have curfews, insist on joining in with family events etc - what will happen when your daughter leaves home at 18? (as Flow4 says. ) She'll be overjoyed with her new found freedom and having little experience go mad. If you can gradually give her more freedom in the safe environment of home it's probably better for her. It's so hard to find a good balance.
Also, if she perceives you to be controlling she will want to distance herself from you in whatever way she can ie by not discussing things with you. She will turn to her peers for support rather than to you. There are many ways of supporting our teenagers. Battling with them to have a healthy/sensible lifestyle and get a good education is only one of them. Supporting them in their own choices where possible and helping them with the consequences is important too. This lessens the chance of your DD making bad decisions purely to rebel or to exercise her right to do what she wants to do on principle - even if the consequences are harmful to her eg flunking her exams.
Another thought about battling - you have another DD - imagine if you had four DC. Would you have the energy to battle like this with four children. It's not sustainable. IYSWIM.
I think Flow4 makes a very good point about being confident in yourself too. It's hard to keep things in perspective if you don't have much happening other than very challenging behaviour from a teenager. As you (and I) know - it grinds you down. You'll be able to deal things better when you're happy in yourself.
Posted too soon - sorry - meant to say - hope you have a nice day.
Dwells talks lots of sense. I picture your dd as a bottle of Champagne. Held in check by a strong cork, but gently bubbling away until the cork is released and all hell breaks loose.Her reactions when she looses it are extreme.
Ease back on that pressure and you won't have the explosions. She can't grow up and mature with all these (to me) petty restrictions.
This all sounds hellish and I really feel for you. My DDs are only 12 but one is very headstrong and pushing the boundaries big time and I am preparing for a rocky teenage time. The advice given here is very interesting.
Something stands out in your posts though, and that's control. The bit about 'your' towel, 'your' shower cream, 'your' seat in the lounge. Then the whole list of household rules. Is it possible that you are a bit too controlling with your DD and this is causing her to rebel more than she would if you backed off a bit.
Sorry if I'm talking rubbish, as I said my DDs are only 12 so I haven't faced the teens just yet. I know I can be a bit of a control freak and like things done my way and that just doesn't work with my more wayward DD! I am gradually learning to let her make more decisions and take more control over situations.
Best of luck, hope this improvement with her isn't short term and things get easier. Out of interest what does your other DD think about her sister's behaviour?
A good start op. Stay strong and assertive.
Hi all, she was told by us she can go
To ball as long as she leaves it at 2am
And that we would even pick her up but now it turns out she isn't allowed as the organiser said it's over 18's only :/
Today she came
Home from school with her little sister, helped make dinner and had asked to see boyfriend on the weekend and iv said yes and now she's currently upstairs getting ready to go out with us as a family to a friends house for the evening and all I can hear upstairs is both my daughters "singing" to the music they're playing while getting ready
For anyone who thinks the little rules that we have in place are petty then I'm afraid I don't agree with you :/ society is made up of rules and even as adults we all have to follow rules in our every day life so it's also helping her and our youngest understand that follow a little rule and you actually get what you wanted in the first place just this way it's more of a reward rather then a do as you like kinda thing.
Thank you everyone who's been giving advice. I will keep updated when I can
Hi the thing about the towel is because it belonged to my grandad and I don't like it being used. The shampoo and shower gel is because I have eczema and have to use E45 which is very expensive and I can't use the products with harsh perfumes in them. But saying that the girls get to choose all their own toiletries when shopping and have their own set of towels as well as the general house towels that myself and their dad uses too
The chair/sofa situation is because we have 4 sofas and we all have one each basically and we respect that each other have our own personal space in the lounge as well as family space and that's the way it's always been, but the main thing about my chair is because I have lots of back problems due to slip discs and have a slightly different chair to everyone else cause I need the support. But the children and DH have their own sofas to sprawl over. However the same can be said for the fact that we each have our own end table next to our sofas just for comfort and convenience. Both girls chose where they wanted their sofas in the lounge and have always enjoyed the fact that they have their own space in the lounge I haven't mentioned before that the girls also have a sofa and tv and games console in the dinning room so if they want to go out there at any time they can.
It's the fact that my chair is the only one I can sit on for more then 10 minutes without being in pain.
The girls themselves have a sofa each in the lounge, a sofa they share in the dinning room, an armchair and a desk chair each in their bedrooms and the rest of the chairs sofas in the house are for everyone to use when they please apart from my chair in the lounge and my chair at the dinner table (because I have back problems and these have lumber support specially made for me)
So it's not really a control thing. Toiletries and chairs are to do with health issues and the towel is because I don't want anyone using that one towel. The girls have things from grandad like bed spreads and they don't like using them or like anyone else using them so I know they understand what I mean about the towel
Anyway I hope everyone has a good weekend thank you all again
Have a lovely evening Mumtomygirls.
I had another thought about your DD - do you think she has PMT?
Sorry if that's an irrelevance.
ChocoLuvva. DD1 does have a day or two about a week beforehand when she sounds like she's growling at everything where it irritates her so much lol and have a lovely weekend yourself too please
6 yes 6 hours of playing board games at mine & the girls friends house tonight and not 1 single argument or any negative behaviour at all. To my astonishment when we got home my youngest daughter was a little stroppy because she was tired & hungry and was getting impatient with me cause I was making them a quick eggy bread before bed (don't like them going to sleep that hungry) anyway my DD1 told DD2 off and said that she should be thankful mummy is making us food and to apologise to me :O I nearly dropped the egg on the floor when I heard this! I calmly said "thank you, now let's not argue, one of you get the plates & the other get glasses for a drink" they both did it, stood at the counter eating their food, drank their drink, went and got washed ready for bed, brushed their teeth, came down kissed me good night and put BOTH their phones on the fireplace and went upstairs to bed! When I came upstairs after clearing up they were both in DD1's bedroom fast asleep in her bed with a DVD left playing on the TV.
This may sound ungrateful? But I'm shocked!
I think I'm going to keep a log on the other behaviour to see of there's a pattern to it cause to look at DD1 the last 2 days it's hard to ever believe she was being such a little shit :/
DD2 is really loving having her big sister back to the way we are all used to and I can't say I blame her, it's been simply amazing
They have to stand when eating and 6 hours of board games? And you're going to keep a log?
I'm reading between the line but I think there's a reason your kids rebelling.. but not only that, has learned the art of manipulation because it's easy to see what keeps you happy. Obey you at all times. That bit about the own settees does say quite a bit about a person. Neat and tidy.. everything in its own spot.
Gosh, I have three daughters, a 3 year old and twins who are 2 months (and an older son) and have read this thread with a cold sweat! My 3 year old is very strong minded even now and we are implementing some of the tricks suggested here for her. May just try to enjoy the next 10 years of peace.
Good luck to you op, you sound like a very caring Mum. My only thoughts (based on my own upbringing) is that at 16, possibly your daughter wants to be treated as a young adult and is rebelling against the current (well meaning) arrangements - I only say this as its very unusual for a 16 year old to still call you 'mummy' and not 'mum' (my 5 year old has started calling me 'mum' due to external influences at school which breaks my heart but I am accepting as its part of him growing up and asserting his own personality), and I wonder if she feels that you lump her and your (younger) daughter into the same box (ie in my opinion, its also quite unusual for a 16 year old to enjoy going to her mum's friends house, and playing board games for hours on end, whereas a 13 or 14 year old may still enjoy that?). I know its nice for you, but maybe these things should be quietly dropped. My Mum was dropping me off to friends houses and to the pub (this was the 90's!) when I was 16, I never took the piss as she was treating me like an adult - and I felt like one - but I was safe as she picked me up). When your dd is being good, maybe you and her could do some older more adult things together as special time without your dd2, like have a meal in a pub, go on a shopping trip, a concert?
I don't think the op made them stand whilst eating. And I don't think that owning lots of furniture makes a person controlling.
Great advice from dwell,
Sorry op, I don't want to burst your bubble but I think you already know..right?
You're daughter Is obviously manipulating you and as another poster mentioned is obviously very well versed on what keeps you happy.
This is only temporary plaster as nothing has really changed has it?
Your posts are very defensive when you don't agree with the advice and you NEVER on any of your threads have been open to trying anything new that someone has advised.
You just keep repeating all of your behaviours and then become surprised when the outcome is the same.
I suspect you'll be posting in a couple of weeks....cue more handwringing and sympathetic posts before you revert to standard practice.
My advice to you ( though i suspect that it will be disregarded and unwelcome), is that perhaps you need to take your head out of your arse where it appears to be very firmly wedged, and join us all in the real world before it's to late.
she has you over a barrel - you seem so worried about her going to the police all the time - I definitely wouldn't let mine do that to me - if I wanted her moved she would be moved - if she called the police so be it - they wont do anything.
why did you say you would let her go to the ball?
why do you let her bully you and push you around? your the adult.
I think you treat her like a child.
As I said upthread,I think you need to stop controlling her every movement.
She's fine for a while yes ,whilst doing what you want,the I suspect it all becomes too much and she rebels big time.
I don't understand why at 16 she puts phone on fireplace overnight.
I think you need to let go a bit and realise she is almost an adult .
Suspect you won't agree though.
What a lovely evening.
I was going to post yesterday evening - but I forgot - to reply to your reaction to the advice several posters have given about your house rules.
It's not that they're "petty" but more that they're perhaps not appropriate for this age of child. No-one is saying they're not sensible.
You laughed at my suggestion about PMT . Good quality supplements for women of child-bearing age are usually helpful with poor moods.
My 17 and 14YO still like board games. We played monopoly a few weeks ago with another mum and her 14YO. If the 17YO had made other plans I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. There's nothing wrong with family activities with teens, but I suspect that playing board games with them on a fri evening in term time is not a common occurrence! (Also we usually have ongoing crisps and
rubbish snacks throughout the evening!)
Your defensiveness towards any new suggestions makes me think that you don't really listen to your dds either. You have your little girl back for now, and you feel you are able to control her for now.
However she crossed a major boundary when she became violent towards you and I suspect that it is a matter of time before it all kicks off again.
Our role as parents is to make ourselves redundant by making our dc independent - your dd needs to learn to manage her own frustration, her
I have nothing against board games.. I just struggle to imagine my 16yr self playing them for 6hours straight voluntary.
I'm not sure whether I'm right and your daughter likes being treated like a younger child, or whether chocoluvva and others are right, and she's manipulating you and giving you what you want, for now.
How much longer are you going to make her come home at 9:30 every evening, and leave her phone on the mantelpiece at night, mumto? Til she's 18? 21? As long as she's at home?
was getting impatient with me cause I was making them a quick eggy bread before bed (don't like them going to sleep that hungry) anyway my DD1 told DD2 off and said that she should be thankful mummy is making us food
you sound a like a doormat with much younger children - "a quick eggy bread before bed" wtf?
I sat and had a conversation with my DD 15.5 about how I've failed to see that she is growing into a young woman, about how I love her so much that I want to keep as a little girl all to myself forever. I said I would respect that she is growing up and has her own ideas and opinions but that I expect the same back.
It has made a massive difference.
No they don't have to stand when eating I'm saying what they did not what they're meant to do.
No no no no no! The own sofas was so that they have own personal space but can also all sit together if like also. It's not a "go sit on your own sofa only kinda thing" it's purely so that they have their own space as an option.
The log is for my own use to see if there's a pattern ie is it just at times before her period? Or is there an outside factor etc etc not anything sinister or weird. Just to help me understand her more.
I fail to see how making sure she eats, does homework, and washes one meals worth of dishes and puts the phone downstairs controlling.
Eating :- health
Homework :- future
Chores :- teamwork as a family as we all do our bit
Phone downstairs :- health
If you think about it properly she actually has a choice. If she wants to go out EVERY evening for a couple of hours all she needs to do is homework (which is needed or she gets kicked out of the course) dinner (pretty normal I'd say) and wash the dishes (this takes approx 15 minutes)
FLOW:- The phone being downstairs is because 1) she puts it under her head and sleeps with it there -.- 2) she has been found laying on the phone WHILE ITS PLUGGED INTO THE WALL CHARGING with her having wet hair after washing it and going straight to bed -.- 3) she sits on Facebook and texting until 4am and then doesn't want to get up at 7am fr school.
The board games wasn't something we made them do, I was off round a friends and DD1 suggested taking that game with us for both families to play (even though no one had suggested it)
Choccoluvva the lol was more of a "why didn't I think of that laugh at myself" this is partially why I'm going to keep a personal log of when it happens and see if there's a pattern
BurberryQ :- they were hungry (as growing teens often are) and I didn't have much else in the house that was quick for them to eat as didn't do shopping until today. Iv found like most children & teens when they go to bed hungry they take longer to sleep. This doesn't happen every night but mainly just before, during and just after they're on their periods :/ one is just post and other is during ATM.
She's done homework & chore for the day & is now at Boyfriends house for lunch
As well as arranging to go see a film and have dinner with him tomorrow.
And may I add the 9:30pm thing is quite reasonable on school nights, we live in a village/town that has no night life passed 5pm the nearest city is an hours bus ride away so I don't want her roaming the streets at night until god knows what time :/ she has nearly 100% secluded herself from all her old friends cause of this boyfriend so doesn't have many people to go out with at all which is rather sad :/ she's gone from a very popular well liked young lady to someone who ignores 99% of her old friends and then wonders why they won't talk to her when she replies to them two months after they messaged her :/
Anyway today so far has been a good day. Fingers crossed for the rest of the weekend