Can't carry on, emotionally had enough of 16 yr old DD1 I'm in urgent need of advice PLEASE

(103 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 03:56:50

This is my 3rd thread. Can't deal with this anymore sad 16 yr old DD. After weeks of problems (first two threads) it all started yet again today, she told us she is doing this and doing that and we said as long as she does her homework, has dinner & does her chore of washing the dishes she can go out every evening till 9:30pm with her boyfriend or friends. She replied with she doesn't have to ask if she can go out and will come in when she pleases. We have said that no it's homework, dinner & chore then go out till 9:30 that's the deal. Then she said about this ball that she's been invited to which is on the same day as my birthday meal where there will be friends and my whole family. DD said that she's going to the ball and sleeping over in a hotel room with her boyfriend whether we like it or not and she doesn't want to come to my pathetic birthday meal. We said she will be the only member of the family that won't be there and she said BF's family are my family, you're not, they care for me more then you do and they aren't trouble like you! We told her to stop being so rude and she stomped off upstairs kicking everything along the way, then we hear her in our bedroom and go to investigate, her excuse was she was packing her things and going to BF's house and wanted to find a holdall bag. I asked her to leave my room and go and either sit in the lounge or go to her room to calm down. At this point she then blocked me from getting out of my own room, I asked her to move and let me get through and she kept pushing herself into me I called my other DD2 out of her room to ask her to get daddy to help me get downstairs with that DD1 tried pushing me into a collection of glasses and cups that she had removed from her room earlier and was meant to take downstairs. I told her to stop pushing me cause if I land on them it's going to hurt and she said so what now you know what it's like being stopped from doing something and she proceeded to push into me more. DH came up stairs and told her to get off me and let me pass she let me get to the top of the stairs then she stood in front of them and wouldn't let me by again and said that I was trying to push her down the stairs (although might I add I was not touching her with any part of me, she was pushing her body into me to shove me backwards) she eventually moved out of the way and allowed me downstairs. I got in contact with my disabled mum for some advice and she said bring her here and she can spend the night to
Calm down. I got DD1 into the car and drove the 40 minute journey to mums house and then DD1 wouldn't get out of the car, screaming at me and trying to lock me out of the car, I stopped her using the hijack lock and she managed to twist my elbow and punch my hand I realised that there was no way I was taking her into my elderly mum the way she was acting so I got back into the car to drive away and DD1 then climbed into the back seat and wouldn't put her seatbelt on I said I wanted to go home she needed to belt up so I could pull away and she eventually did after about 10 minutes of refusing and then when I was driving along she took the seat belt off while I was on the motorway -.- I told her to put it on and she replied with You know I could smash this car window and jump out, I said don't be so silly now belt up so we can get up safe, she then accused me of kidnapping her and said that she's hated me for months and she doesn't know why she calls me mummy cause I'm rotten and when I die she will be so happy then she said as a matter of fact when both you and daddy go I will have a party cause I don't love any of you now take me to BFs house NOW!

When we reached home she walked into the house kicked the vase in the hallway then the cat and stormed into the lounge. Again we said if she can stop this disrespect she can still go to the ball but we will pick her up at 2am.

I said that I was going to have a chat with her BF to see if that was ok with him (just to make sure he didn't get stroppy with DD1 for it) he was completely fine about it and when I told DD1 that it's all fine she called me a Fucking Whore for talking to her BF and smashed the crap out of her bedroom door again.

Then 30 minutes later she came down and took my new shower gel from the side (newly unpacked shopping from before argument happened) and also took my own personal towel that belonged to grandad and went to go back upstairs. I asked her to use the shower gel that was bought for her and her sister and to use her own towel or the household towels she picked up a bottle of shampoo and threw it at me (smashing and going everywhere on the floor) then she started laughing at me like it was all a big joke. Ran upstairs had a bath and hair wash then came downstairs demanding to know where I was going (I was going to the 24 hour shop to get headache tablets as head was thudding by this time and elbow was throbbing) I told her where I was going and she tried forcing past me to get into the car, I said no she wasn't coming with me as one I need to be alone for a little while and two it was gone midnight and she has school in the morning. I had to get her Dad to help stop her coming with me and get her back indoors. On my return she made a point of sitting in the seat I always sit in so I just ignored it and asked her and DH if they would like a warm drink and she mumbled something then stomped upstairs again calling us all pathetic idiots. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please someone give me some advice that I haven't tried already sad

BurberryQ Thu 10-Oct-13 09:28:57

look if your husband had behaved like this (door smashing, physical abuse, verbal abuse, pushing you around) and you posted the problem on mumsnet, people would advising you to contact Womens Aid and to LTB wouldn't they? go figure.
She is sixteen, maybe you should stop telling her to do her homework and stuff?

BurberryQ Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:13

and why are you offering to make her 'warm drinks' when you feel like hell and she has been pushing you about? Seriously?

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 15:15:30

Second the comment about warm drinks. I have a 15 year old dd - if she had been half as obnoxious and rude to me i guarantee you she wouldn't be offered a warm drink.

Stop enabling her to treat you this way.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 10-Oct-13 15:27:49

She's seen you won't follow through now. You took her to your Mum's but didn't carry through the threat. You won't let her go to school in unclean clothes even if it means staying up to midnight to wash for her. She behaves extremely badly and gets a nice hot drink at the end of it. You taxi her around do she can go and spend money to do whatever she wants.

What's in it for her to behave when she can behave terribly and still get everything she wants ?

Facebaffle Thu 10-Oct-13 15:41:53

What is your dh doing to help you? Does she treat him the same? A couple of times in your post you mentioned getting him to help, how is he not realising what's going on in the first place.

You've got to listen to the advice on here and stop being a mug. She has no respect for you.

bordellosboheme Thu 10-Oct-13 15:45:02

Stop getting into a battle of wills with her. Treat like a 2 year old having a tantrum. Stop doing all those things for her. She will soon realise which side her bread is buttered on!

chocoluvva Thu 10-Oct-13 16:55:58

Poachedeggs, Georgina, Bordellosboheme and Dontcallmedaughter's posts.

You are inadvertently inflaming the situation by refusing to budge on things like time to be home. 16YOs don't want 'deals' - the idea of a deal reinforces her annoyance at being denied the chance to make her own choices.

Obviously she is behaving very badly. But as others have said, there's no point wringing your hands and continuing to treat her the way you've been doing. Step right back. You will not win this battle of wills.

Don't take what she says personally - she is desperate to go to the do with her BF and you're stopping her so she's furious.

Renniehorta Thu 10-Oct-13 17:58:05

If I were in your shoes I would be very relieved that she did not want to come to my birthday party. At least you know that she won't spoil it.

I would also stop trying to facilitate her getting to school and work. She is obviously straining at the leash to take responsibility for her life. So I would call her bluff and let her. You cannot make someone else live the life that you want them to live if they won't cooperate.

I know that it is incredibly difficult to let your dc follow a path that you disapprove of but in this case you are going to have to for your mental health and that of your daughter.

If you let her go, she will come back. She is almost guaranteed to crash and burn.

I have been in the situation where you feel that you have to hold things together for the sake of appearances and because you wish that they were other than they are. It does not work.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 21:21:18

Rules set today and she has been told
That if she doesn't abide by them that's it she's out to fend for herself:-

Phone
Was taken until just now
I just made her get her clothing washed herself AND when she wouldn't stop poking DD2 I sent her to "time out" like I used to pre teen age and I made her stand by the wall for 16 minutes and not speak and to my bloody shock she did it :O

Rules of house are:-

Homework, dinner eaten & do dishes. Then she can go out till 9/9:30 pm but only if we aren't doing anything as a family.

Phone is to be left on the fireplace at 11:30 each night when she goes to bed or she loses it for the next 24 hours.

Respect & a more grown up attitude will be rewarded with lifts to school/work/shops.

If she wants BF to be included in family events then she needs to start remembering she's a part of this family.

If she's late home without a worthy excuse and letting us know she's going to be late she is grounded the next night.

She is to ask for things rather then to just take things.

She didn't do her homework tonight when she was meant to so she didn't go out and is currently laying on the lounge floor doing her assignment.

She was told that she can go to the ball until 2am until we found out that it's an over 18 yr old event only as we spoke to the chairman of the association so she is NOT going now unless he accepts full responsibility for her and we pick her up at 2am.

I have told her that the very next time she lays a finger on me I'm likely to slap her ass and pack her bags for her and send her on her way.

I completely snapped today but made sure I was calm when I set all the rules and we managed to nip another argument in the bud earlier but myself and DH sticking together in front of her.

I have decided to go back to treating her like a child if she wishes to act like one.

First day to the rest of our lives and yes we will have our ups and downs but she now knows that there are two figures of authority in this house and that's myself and DH

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:26:54

Op can you ask the school for a referral to Family Solutions?

I've had the same with my DD (still got a door off its hinges)

They've been so helpful

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:30:21

I would narrow down the list of rules, it's far too much .

My rules are : no violence, no drugs

That's it. I've had to let so much go by the board in order to bring a bit of harmony to the house, but it has worked

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:31:24

If she lays a hand on you call the police. I did. It's the only way trust me.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 21:36:43

DoinMummy. We have been trying to get her to family counselling but it's proving to be tricky but we are still persevering.

The rules are basic rules that our other daughter has to abide by and has no problem with them. DD1 was given an inch and takes a mile so we have reverted back to the ways that she used to respect and follow without fail and so far she is behaving really well in comparison to recent times and she's not gained anything apart from her phone back after 24 hours of it being taken and a little self respect for herself

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 21:40:39

Ffs. . Let her pack her bag and leave.. lock the door behind her and enjoy a few days of peace.

Mine was back in 3 days. It was a lot easier to lay the law down after that.

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 21:41:38

I'm still trying to get dd (and she's still refusing )to participate in counselling but Family Solutions are there for the whole family and they've been a massive help to me

gamerchick Thu 10-Oct-13 21:41:47

Ffs. . Let her pack her bag and leave.. lock the door behind her and enjoy a few days of peace.

Mine was back in 3 days. It was a lot easier to lay the law down after that.

GeorginaWorsley Thu 10-Oct-13 22:03:43

mummytogirls
Obviously it's your choice but in my view she is rebelling against your 'rules'
Fair enough to do some 'chores' but I think the family thing may be a little Ott at 16.

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 23:07:28

sounds like a good plan and I hope you get a bit of peace now!

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:08:54

Sometimes if you put too many rules and punishments in place the kids think' what's the point?' And carry on with the bad behaviour.

Doinmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:10:09

I feel your pain Op . Have had one hell of a year myself.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 00:42:09

When I say chores it's literally only the dishes from dinner time that's all.

Well 11:30 was approaching and I turned round and DD1 was putting her phone on charge and saying goodnight to her Dad then to me, an hour later after sorting the animals out iv come up to bed to 2 yes 2 daughters fast asleep lights out & PHONES LEFT DOWNSTAIRS. this is a first in many months. Very happy, now I'm going to plug my earphones in and watch a film in bed because I want to NOT because I'm trying to stay awake until they fall asleep.

Have already been asked if DD1 can come
With me and DD2 out to a friends house tomorrow night also so I'm feeling much more relaxed inside knowing that those rules of phone downstairs when sleeping, eat dinner, do homework & chores before going out are already having a good effect when applied with the reminder of the "time out"

It's funny how the one thing that I always did when they were growing up works at this age (wish I hadn't listened to a family member who said to stop the "time out" when they misbehave cause they were apparently too old for it)

Have a good night everyone. Sweet dreams

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 09:05:33

Well done for being calm and firm. I hope you had a well-deserved good night's sleep.

I'm sorry my last post wasn't clear - I meant that I agreed with Poachedeggs, Bordello, Georgina and Don'tcallme.

"she is rebelling against your rules". I agree. IMO your rules are sensible, but she might feel quite humiliated at having to put her phone on the mantelpiece every night. I wish my DD would do that but it's her phone after all. How do you know if she's done her homework usually? Does she have to show you evidence of what she's done? She probably feels her home is like a police state. I don't. But she might.

Mumtomygirls Fri 11-Oct-13 09:30:21

Hi all was well this morning, no nastiness towards us or her little sister which is a first in a long while smile she even came and gave me a kiss cya later this morning smile
With regards to the homework we've never made her show us but she normally bounces idea off of us and sprawl across the lounge floor (although we have a perfectfectly good dinning room or her desk in her room to do such things lol

We've explained to her that being part of a family is "give & take" and of she wants this to work she can't keep taking until we are empty, that's why she needs to give and that way it all runs a little more smoother.

chocoluvva Fri 11-Oct-13 09:40:17

"first in a long while" - poor you, you've really been through it. I'm glad you're having a nice morning.

I think it's sensible to explain about 'give and take' rather than setting rules. If need be perhaps you could point out that adults who share a home let each other know if they're going to be late and try not to disturb each other.

Do something nice now to take your mind off your DD.

flow4 Fri 11-Oct-13 09:59:18

Glad you're feeling much better about it all Mumtomygirls. Your last couple of posts are very interesting. I would have put money on your daughter kicking off again refusing outright to follow your rules, which are very extensive and IMO a bit over the top for a 16 year old.

However, the fact that she is conforming suggests that she actually quite likes being treated like a younger child, which is unexpected and interesting. So I wonder whether there is something else going on here: I wonder whether she's actually terrified of growing up (like many teens), and her bad behaviour has been a 'symptom' of her fear...? She can't control it; and when you can't control it either, this frightens her even more, and so a vicious circle begins. Now that you have tried some 'methods' that have worked this time, you have found some confidence, and it seems she finds that very reassuring, and has calmed down a bit. Great! smile

Anything that builds your confidence to deal with her and to establish your own boundaries and sense of self-respect is a very good thing. smile I'd say, take any opportunities you can find to build your own confidence and well-being - whether that's sport, a hobby, time with friends, or whatever. The better you feel, the better you'll be able to parent your daughter, and the more secure she will feel, it seems to me... smile

A word of caution though: the teenage years, above all, are the time when young people need to learn to control themselves. You are still, it seems to me, seeking to exert an awful lot of control over her, given her age. There will come a time very soon when she will need to be able to make herself come in at a sensible time, do her homework, go to bed, not spend all night on the phone or computer, etc... Currently, you have arranged things so that you are still making her do/not do these things, or trying to. She may rebel against this again; but even if she doesn't, she still needs to learn to take responsibility for doing them herself, sooner rather than later.

The rules you have re-introduced may help you regain your confidence and retake some control of an awful situation that no-one had under control... But IMO, you need to think of them as a relatively short-term measure - a sort of 'emergency plan' for the next few months. Keep in mind the important fact that you now have to help your daughter learn to control her own behaviour.

You may still need some help with this. I found Family Lives phone counseling helpful. Getting family counseling may be impossible (it is for most families with teens, because it's rare, and teenagers usually refuse to go) - but you can still usefully get some counseling for yourself.

I was very struck by something you said yesterday, about just wanting your "little girl back". I think every parent of a teenager will identify with this, perhaps especially those of us who have had 'difficult' teens. But the truth is, even if your new rules temporarily make your daughter behave like her younger, easier self, the ultimate aim of parenting is to help our children *grow up*... It's almost like a bereavement for some parents (it certainly was for me with DS1) but you will need to let go of the 'little girl she was' and build a relationship with the young woman she is becoming. smile

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