Can't carry on, emotionally had enough of 16 yr old DD1 I'm in urgent need of advice PLEASE

(103 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 03:56:50

This is my 3rd thread. Can't deal with this anymore sad 16 yr old DD. After weeks of problems (first two threads) it all started yet again today, she told us she is doing this and doing that and we said as long as she does her homework, has dinner & does her chore of washing the dishes she can go out every evening till 9:30pm with her boyfriend or friends. She replied with she doesn't have to ask if she can go out and will come in when she pleases. We have said that no it's homework, dinner & chore then go out till 9:30 that's the deal. Then she said about this ball that she's been invited to which is on the same day as my birthday meal where there will be friends and my whole family. DD said that she's going to the ball and sleeping over in a hotel room with her boyfriend whether we like it or not and she doesn't want to come to my pathetic birthday meal. We said she will be the only member of the family that won't be there and she said BF's family are my family, you're not, they care for me more then you do and they aren't trouble like you! We told her to stop being so rude and she stomped off upstairs kicking everything along the way, then we hear her in our bedroom and go to investigate, her excuse was she was packing her things and going to BF's house and wanted to find a holdall bag. I asked her to leave my room and go and either sit in the lounge or go to her room to calm down. At this point she then blocked me from getting out of my own room, I asked her to move and let me get through and she kept pushing herself into me I called my other DD2 out of her room to ask her to get daddy to help me get downstairs with that DD1 tried pushing me into a collection of glasses and cups that she had removed from her room earlier and was meant to take downstairs. I told her to stop pushing me cause if I land on them it's going to hurt and she said so what now you know what it's like being stopped from doing something and she proceeded to push into me more. DH came up stairs and told her to get off me and let me pass she let me get to the top of the stairs then she stood in front of them and wouldn't let me by again and said that I was trying to push her down the stairs (although might I add I was not touching her with any part of me, she was pushing her body into me to shove me backwards) she eventually moved out of the way and allowed me downstairs. I got in contact with my disabled mum for some advice and she said bring her here and she can spend the night to
Calm down. I got DD1 into the car and drove the 40 minute journey to mums house and then DD1 wouldn't get out of the car, screaming at me and trying to lock me out of the car, I stopped her using the hijack lock and she managed to twist my elbow and punch my hand I realised that there was no way I was taking her into my elderly mum the way she was acting so I got back into the car to drive away and DD1 then climbed into the back seat and wouldn't put her seatbelt on I said I wanted to go home she needed to belt up so I could pull away and she eventually did after about 10 minutes of refusing and then when I was driving along she took the seat belt off while I was on the motorway -.- I told her to put it on and she replied with You know I could smash this car window and jump out, I said don't be so silly now belt up so we can get up safe, she then accused me of kidnapping her and said that she's hated me for months and she doesn't know why she calls me mummy cause I'm rotten and when I die she will be so happy then she said as a matter of fact when both you and daddy go I will have a party cause I don't love any of you now take me to BFs house NOW!

When we reached home she walked into the house kicked the vase in the hallway then the cat and stormed into the lounge. Again we said if she can stop this disrespect she can still go to the ball but we will pick her up at 2am.

I said that I was going to have a chat with her BF to see if that was ok with him (just to make sure he didn't get stroppy with DD1 for it) he was completely fine about it and when I told DD1 that it's all fine she called me a Fucking Whore for talking to her BF and smashed the crap out of her bedroom door again.

Then 30 minutes later she came down and took my new shower gel from the side (newly unpacked shopping from before argument happened) and also took my own personal towel that belonged to grandad and went to go back upstairs. I asked her to use the shower gel that was bought for her and her sister and to use her own towel or the household towels she picked up a bottle of shampoo and threw it at me (smashing and going everywhere on the floor) then she started laughing at me like it was all a big joke. Ran upstairs had a bath and hair wash then came downstairs demanding to know where I was going (I was going to the 24 hour shop to get headache tablets as head was thudding by this time and elbow was throbbing) I told her where I was going and she tried forcing past me to get into the car, I said no she wasn't coming with me as one I need to be alone for a little while and two it was gone midnight and she has school in the morning. I had to get her Dad to help stop her coming with me and get her back indoors. On my return she made a point of sitting in the seat I always sit in so I just ignored it and asked her and DH if they would like a warm drink and she mumbled something then stomped upstairs again calling us all pathetic idiots. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please someone give me some advice that I haven't tried already sad

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 04:23:29

She is a tyrant. I would be arrested for her murder by now. I have no idea how to make her change but I do know you need to keep yourself and the rest of the family safe. I'm so sorry for you, I've been close as a foster Carer but not as bad as your DD. Maybe she does need to move in with boyfriend and when they chuck her out she might calm down. The other thing is, could something awful be going on for her that you don't know about?

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:34:20

When I spoke to her BF earlier he told me they have been arguing for the past two weeks whenever they have been out together and even says how much she's changed. But now I fear that he has got what he wants (sex) he will dump her sad

I have tried talking to her in the past and some days I feel like she's back to her old self but then wham! She's back to this girl who doesn't seem to have any emotion, almost cold hearted?

I already know she has a problem with accepting responsibility for her actions for example my elbow has got burst blood vessels on it now where she twisted it and her answer for that was. Well you shouldn't try to stop me doing what I want.
She's also been lying about the silliest of things lately but quite a lot. I don't know what's happening to her all I know it's like 2 completely different people when she doesn't get her own way

rosemount Thu 10-Oct-13 04:39:18

She's got you dancing round her like a puppet on a string. You lost my sympathy when you gave permission to "still go to the ball", then checked with boyfriend "if that was OK". WTAF? Ground her for at least a month.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:46:01

Last three time we tried grounding her she didn't come home for the night then the second time she jumped out of bedroom window and ran away for a week and the third time while she was grounded she walked out the door and then lied to police and said DH had grabbed her to try and make her return home which I can say 100% hand on my heart he did NOT do. Luckily police brought her back the third time. Iv got to the point that I'm not sure if I'm crying due to the pain in my arm or the stress from it all

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 04:48:47

Grounding her might provoke violence or at least some damage to the home. What about pocket money? That would not curtail her freedom but would give her a message about how dependent she still is.

Totally disengage. No contact, no money, no phone paid for etc. strip room. Any violence call police.

If she is violent to you call police. If she threatens to jump
Out of car on motorway, pull over and call and call police.

She has you running around like a puppet and is controlling you. If dd had me cornered I would not need to call DH to get me out of the situation I would get out myself showing her that I am a bloody force to be reckoned with.

I understand you are probably feeling insecure and weak with regards to her st present but you need to not show her this. Teenagers smell fear like bloody dogs IMO.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 04:58:05

She works part time so isn't in need of money from us. She gets something like £150 a month from that. I just feel like I'm lost and don't know which way to turn anymore

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:02:59

I'm scared that if I was to moved her out of the way using force she would report me to the police as she has done this to her father even when he hadn't even grabbed hold of her like she said. I just want my daughter back sad this is breaking my heart and I can't cope seeing her like this. A very close old school friend of mine has actually witness some of her outbursts and has told me that they would section her if they saw how she was from one minute to the next

So what do you do for her? Does she buy all clothes, toilet tries, pay bus fares etc.

Please tell me you do not taxi her about.

Do it do her washing, do not cook for her,

Tell her whilst she is biting the hand that feeds her she gets nothing back.

No they would not section her. Her problems sound behavioural not mental health issues. It is not easy to be sectioned at all.

She knows she has you in a corner after speaking to the police the first time. Have a witness and excerpt your authority. She cannot control you with this card and needs to see it.

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:11:00

We live in a small town however she does get taken to school in the morning and to work at the weekend and when she goes out she gets picked up. We buy 75% of her clothes and toiletries. Yes we wash her clothing even
Down to her work Uniform as she always leaves it to last minute (and by that I mean midnight the night before work) and of course we cook for her. But to me they're basics of being a parent? She wants for nothing but at the same
Time I don't feel that there's anything we can take away from her? She seems to not care

Mumtomygirls Thu 10-Oct-13 05:14:02

She's got to the point where she fabricates lots of things and actually believes them herself. Even when there has been 2 or 3 people who know she's telling a fib she will still swear down that she's right.
Iv been trying to encourage her to go to counselling but she just shrugs it off and then tells the school that she wants to go but we won't allow it -.-

DontCallMeDaughter Thu 10-Oct-13 05:50:07

I'm treading gently here... But mummytomygirls you've posted a couple of threads, I've read them before. And then a bunch of people make suggestions and you reply saying why their suggestions won't work.... So I'm not sure what you're hoping for here... If you just need to vent, then that's absolutely fine... But if you want the situation to change, then you're going to have to change how you're dealing with dd.

I agree that food, clothes, transport to school etc is basics of parenting. But then so is teaching them that actions have consequences. If your dd doesn't learn that her actions have consequences then why should she change her actions? She's getting everything her own way at the moment with a good dose of drama thrown in.

I suggest you read back through all of your threads, make a note of ALL of the suggestions however daft you think they are. Discuss them all with dh and build an action plan together...

Roshbegosh Thu 10-Oct-13 05:53:40

You are doing way more then the basics OP. While I agree she would most likely not be sectioned now I would put money on long term involvement with mental health services. I think the posters who say you should call the police if she is violent and right, bang on. You must, as I said earlier, keep yourself and your family safe. Being nice isn't working, so stop.

uptheanty Thu 10-Oct-13 06:02:58

Your dd really is calling all the shots. You did the correct thing by removing her from the house but then you allowed her to control the situation and you didn't go through with dropping her off?
Of course dd's behaviour escalates then as she realises you don't know what to do with the whole seatbelt debacle.

You need to stop trying to placate her by giving in hoping that it will improve her behaviour. It won't!

I would let her leave, let her go to her boyfriends, stop trying to manage her.

It's a really difficult thing to do but your dd is leaving you with no option.

Oblomov Thu 10-Oct-13 06:14:34

I agree. If you want her to come back to you, then you are going to have to push her away, let her fall and let her realise that she needs to come back to you.

MrsZimt Thu 10-Oct-13 06:21:30

Mummy, I have read your previous threads and the situation hasn't changed. Have you taken any steps to stop her behaving like an utter arse?

I would stop being nice to her. She's laughing at you, disregarding your personal space and posessions, has injured you. Have you seen a doctor, has this injury been recorded somehow? That would be my first step. She tried to make out your husband attacked her when she is the attacker in your house.
She seems out of control.

I would have stopped all the taxi service and laundry at midnight long ago. The same goes for everything beyond the basic care (food, clothes) such as taking her to school and work.

She treats you as her slaves and it's time she realised she's the child, you are the parent. With her £150 a month she won't get very far, so she has to rely on you.
You need help with parenting her, please go and get it before she does more damage (to you, your house, your relationship, her sister, herself).

I would have called the police when she twisted your elbow.

JGBMum Thu 10-Oct-13 07:27:01

Sounds truly awful, but I agree with the other posters, it's (past) time your dd understood that you were not put in this earth to be her slave and her punch bag.

If it were me, the only lift I would give her would be to school. That's it. If that means she loses her weekend job, so be it. She doesn't need the cash, she wants it. Big difference.

Laundry - school clothes only. After that she wears dirty or does her own. Non negotiable. Oh and remind her she needs to clean her own bedding and towels each week.

Evening meals, and food at the weekend. Tell her what is available for her to cook for herself. Eg, this piece of chicken, some pasta and these vegetables. She cooks that, or toast, or goes hungry.

It is really time that you took control again in your own home. You simply cannot carry on the way you have been. She needs to change, and you need to stop enabling her appalling behaviour.

If she can't, or won't, then she will need social services intervention as she is a danger to you and the other family members.

Stop driving her about. School yes, job, no.

Can you not see that you are actually facilitating this behaviour and making the situation worse.

CAMHS is literally groaning under the weight of kids who are unable to control themselves as they have not been taught to. Believe me the 6 ft tall boy who has a panic button in his house for his mum to press when he attacks her is not in an acute setting because he has a mental health issue. He is there because his parents have never dealt with his appropriately.

You are not helping your daughter at all. You are letting her treat you as a complete mug. Get some self respect back by pulling the cosy little rug from under her feet and she will at some point look back and thank you for it.

poachedeggs Thu 10-Oct-13 07:45:04

I don't have a teenager (but I was one, and at times a pretty horrible one).

The overwhelming thing that strikes a chord here is all the drama. It's like reading a soap storyline. At that age I thought life was like EastEnders. I suspect she does too. In your shoes I'd make a huge effort to reduce my reactions, my expressed feelings and my expressed interest. I'd act neutral and bored. Disengage.

Continually getting on board with all of her hysteria just amplifies it. If you just shrug and ignore, that totally take the power out of her behaviour. And you need to do way way less for her, but not in a goading, big-announcement sort of way. Just in a now-you're-16-you-are-mature-enough-to-do-this-<shrug> sort of way

GeorginaWorsley Thu 10-Oct-13 08:04:07

We had bit of rough time with DD1
years ago at this age.
No violence involved thank god but plenty of verbal wars.
My solution was to disengage completely.
Instead of saying ' be in at 10' or whatever,which she would ignore anyway,we just left her to it.
Suddenly her little rebellion had no power,so she came home earlier anyway!
Id also say pick your battles carefully.
It can be very easy as I remember well to argue over everything she does,most if which she will be going to get this very reaction.
if you stop facilitating her dramas,they will lose there power.
Re the ball,I would let her pay fir herself plus her hotel room if that is what she's threatening.
They are probably having sex anyway,its one night,let them pay fir it themselves,they don't have to do it at your expense.
If she thinks you aren't bothered if she stays over she might not waste her money!!

Inkspellme Thu 10-Oct-13 08:42:31

There is no one else who you would allow to speak to you or treat you like this. If this was your dp or dh there would be lots and lots of ltb posts. If it was a stranger they could be arrested for assault. your dd doesn't get to treat you this way-but she will if you let her.

it does seem you have been given lots of advice that you only point out doesn't work. and then you come back and say "help". there is no instant fix. take some of the advice, make a plan you can carry out and stick to it.

Would a taxi driver take a fare from a violent passenger? Would a landlord allow a violent abusive tenant to occupy their B&B? Would a restaurant put food in front of a violent abusive customer?

No No No!!!

You are doing her no favours by allowing this to go. In DS to would go as far as to say you are as much part of the problem as she is.

My DS is 8. He doesn't behave or say thank you and treat me with respect then there are no treats or extras. Why do you think this should not apply to your dd?

Seriously stop sweating about stuff like towels and shower gel and address her behaviour properly and adequately.

MorrisZapp Thu 10-Oct-13 09:17:31

Blimey, this all sounds awful. Fwiw, my mum stopped buying me any clothes at all when I was 15. Not as a punishment, but because she said she couldn't afford to and I was old enough to get a job. So I did.

I never got a lift or had my uniform washed. My parents were busy people and considered me old enough to do all that myself. I was an exemplary employee (washing dishes!) and I learned so much about timekeeping, responsibility etc when it was my own spending money at stake.

You may think your dd is a child, but she isn't. In days gone by she'd be getting ready to run a house of her own at that age. Step back, withdraw all the pampering. Let her do it herself.

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