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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Relationships with boys - how does it work these days?

14 replies

Olivebranch · 05/10/2013 00:20

My DD aged 18 yrs left year 13 last summer after doing A levels.. she had a group of male and female friends at school. There was one male friend who she got on really well with, but as friends. At the prom he paid her more attention and was touchy feely holding hands, dancing, hugs etc....Then the summer kicked in and they all went their separate ways. Then 3 weeks ago this lad contacted her via FB asking how things were and they went for a coffee. Yet again they got on really well and left with a big hug with the intention of meeting up to see a show in London. It took 2 weeks before my DD got her act together and got back in touch with him , which I'm not sure went down too well! Last night they went to London and had a nice evening, chatting with no awkwardness at all and when he got up to leave the train he wished her a safe journey and "speak soon". DD sent a text when she got home just saying that she "really enjoyed the evening and hopefully he did too, speak soon :)x" ...... she hasn't heard from him today and now wonders if she 's done something wrong, or are they "just friends and nothing else ". She's confused and I need help, because things were different when I was going out at her age, and I really don't know if this is the normal for teenage behaviour. As even if they were just friends I'm surprised he didn't answer the text. Any advice would be very helpful as I'm not sure what to say to her.

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Doinmummy · 05/10/2013 00:51

Well, she left it two weeks before contacting him and now she wants an immediate answer! I'd leave them to it !

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Olivebranch · 05/10/2013 09:31

I know a valid point which I put her straight on. However, in all fairness to her she is one of these girls that is academic but absolutely clueless when it comes to relationships. If you said to her were there any signs to imply anything other than friendship, she'd look at you puzzled and say signs what signs!

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Doinmummy · 05/10/2013 10:59

I don't think there's anything you can do or say. They are , after all, adults and I know as a mum you want to help but I think this is something they have to sort out themselves. If anything is going to happen then it will happen naturally without any intervention from anyone.

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flow4 · 05/10/2013 13:23

I'd say leave them to it! And to be fair, he probably isn't even up yet!

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Olivebranch · 05/10/2013 13:33

I just needed to hear some other points of view as nothing I can say will alter anything. I just felt a little on the spot as I didn't want to say or imply the wrong thing! So thanks for your input

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adeucalione · 05/10/2013 15:42

I just asked DD (17) and she thinks that your DDs 'speak soon' text didn't really warrant a reply, and that he is probably feeling a bit dismissed.

FWIW she thinks your DD might need to signal that she would be interested in moving the relationship beyond friendship, particularly if he is a bit shy or unsettled by the two week wait she subjected him to.

Why doesn't she just call him and ask when they can meet up again?

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peppersquint · 05/10/2013 16:07

I agree with adeucalione - she needs to put some legwork in now - it seems a bit one-sided.

As an aside Olivebranch - have you seen the date/time on your 3rd posting? - it's just tickled me (slow day I know!)

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schoolchauffeur · 05/10/2013 16:09

I agree with adeucalione. Your DD needs to sound a bit more interested if that is what she wants. My DD also 18 says she would read " speak soon" more as a "speak to you sometime but no great rush". A more encouraging reply would have been " really enjoyed tonight. Great to see you again. Do you fancy seeing x film next week,or have you tried that new pizza place in....." It's nice that your DD can talk to you about these things. But I think at 18 you've got to let them make their own way and learn through some experience.

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Olivebranch · 05/10/2013 18:45

I agree with all of the above - especially good to hear the input from your daughters adeucalione & schoolchaffeur. I'm not trying to tell her what she should do, only she can make that decision. I think she feels that if she goes back to him she will look too clingy - I know , I know now you see why I find it hard to know what to say without making anything worse. So I say very little. So your input helps me to see it from both sides.

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Olivebranch · 06/10/2013 10:45

I had a chat with DD and discreetly put some of your points across to her. So she has said she will send him a text re meeting again. So I guess we'll see what happens. I just hope she sorts everything out one way or another as I don't think I can cope with this stress!

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bakehouse · 07/10/2013 09:28

Teens sometimes aren't great with communicatingtheir feelings are they! Both my DDs (14 and 16) seem reluctant to show that they are interested first if they like a boy, so unless the boy is particularly keen and not at all shy, things get off to a very slow start or sometimes never get started at all! DD14 in particular has great regrets about not showing someone how much she liked him as by the time she made her feelings known (he having been besotted with her for six months)he had given up on her and was going out with someone else!

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Olivebranch · 07/10/2013 10:08

In view of our chat DD sent a text yesterday asking if he would like to meet this week to see a film and hasn't heard back, so she feels really bad about sending it. I explained that I don't think she has done anything wrong as she has only tried to show some interest as most posts on here have suggested. She bottles everything up and now has gone off to Uni this morning with a headache (she commutes). I said to her this morning you only asked him to go and see a movie, not get married!

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VenusDeWillendorf · 07/10/2013 10:14

I'd let him do the asking tbh.

If your dd is a bit clueless, than her making the running wont end well as her antennae aren't tuned that way.

I wouldn't get involved. Your dd needs to sort out her style of how she communicates.

Unless you see yourself as her matchmaker, I'd leave her to it.

Just see this as a friendship, and don't give her any advice which would make her act of character, because it won't suit her, and won't end well.

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Olivebranch · 07/10/2013 10:38

The only advice that I have given her was to send a text based on the advice on here. I have stayed very neutral in all of this as I didn't want to get involved by saying the wrong thing. Therefore this post has been more for my benefit to get some advice from other mums. My DD has no idea that I have spoken to any one about this. I do not see myself as her matchmaker, what an odd thing to say. I just wanted some advice on how to handle the situation without speaking to her.

However, I do agree with your comment as I have all along, that she must be the one to make the decisions and do what she considers to be the best course of action for her.