16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

(108 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 01:52:58

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody sad the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much sad 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me sad a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time sad then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him sadluckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

BillyBanter Mon 30-Sep-13 02:18:51

In what way are this family immoral?

poppingin1 Mon 30-Sep-13 02:28:17

I sense there is more to this than meets the eye.

Why did your younger daughter go back alone to their house a half hour after you had been there in the pouring rain and crying?

poppingin1 Mon 30-Sep-13 02:29:50

She couldn't have changed over night, so were here signs that her character was changing?

What do you think this boy has done to change your daughter?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 02:39:58

Billybanter he and his family have lied to our faces and let us roam the streets looking for her without telling us she was safe, also when we have asked the mother to not allow them to sleep in the same room together she openly encouraged them to spend the night together in the same bed then advised our daughter to go and get the morning after pill from the doctors

Poppingin1 our youngest daughter was not alone, we were in the car but she wanted to try and see if they would tell her older sister was safe etc

He's changed her because he and his family allow her to do absolutely anything she pleases like miss school & work, drink have sex, apparently us giving her ground rules of being home
At a reasonable time because of school is too controlling and we should
Allow her to make her own decisions, I think not! She's a 16 year old girl who I don't think should be out roaming the streets at all hours of the night. the boy frequently drinks hard liquor and has cheated on his past girlfriend

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 02:44:45

Poppingin1 her character changed slightly at first, she started to seclude herself from her friends at school to the point where she was ignoring all their messages and still is ignoring 95% of her friends unless it's someone who is his friend.

We also found out that when she was 15 (he was 17) he stuck his hand down her knickers & she asked him to stop and he kept his hand there for a few minutes sad

We spoke to the police about this and they said that they would need to hear the complaint from our daughter.

Hmm they don't sound awful - they got her to have sex responsibly which seems sensible, they looked after her when she said she needed them to, and they protected her from someone who she said hurt her. It appears that they have been sucked in by her lies... Have you tried talking to the family when your daughter is not around?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 03:11:53

They don't sound awful? For hours we were worried whether our daughter was safe and they didn't even bother to let us know she was safe. Then to keep her there for nearly a week and not entertain encouraging her to talk to us and sort things out was in my mind awful because although she is 16 they are ALL adults and should've taken a more mature view to all of this :/ To me the fact that the mother is aware we did not want them sleeping together then encourages them to sleep in the same bed together is wrong :/ I wouldn't do that to another mothers daughter.
I was constantly asking to meet up and chat with them and was continuously getting ignored however the step father kept sending me "provoking" texts (those are the words of the police)

Another issue we have with them is they know our daughter has neurological seizures and shouldn't be drinking while these are under investigation but they thought it was a good idea to give her Jack Daniels & Jaeger bombs

lunar1 Mon 30-Sep-13 03:46:05

They do sound like a nightmare. She is a hormonal teenager. What they are doing is no different really than giving a toddler free run of the sweet shop after you have said no more sweets before tea.

The cynic in me wonders if they were trying to get your dd into a council flat for their ds to move into.

Your dd sounds vulnerable and they are exploiting her. Giving her alcohol while she is having seizures is really worrying.

JustinBsMum Mon 30-Sep-13 05:00:06

What a nightmare for you. Don't have much advice really.

What are her and your rights, is she an adult at 16 or do you still have responsibility for her?

You could just keep txting but leave them to it for a while. Perhaps the parents of BF and the BF will start resenting having to fund DD (presuming you refuse her any money at present). Can the school help? Is the BF at school too?

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 06:30:36

The whole problem seems to stem from the fact that you refuse to acknowledge that at 16 and 18 they are perfectly entitled to have a sexual relationship if they want one.

You keep banging on about not getting any respect from her but it sounds to me as though she doesn't get any respect from you. You don't have to like all of her choices, but unfortunately you do have to go along with one or two of them, and if she chooses to become sexually active once she's over the age of consent (even if it's with someone you don't much like) then there is not a damn thing you can do about it - nor should you try. Your job is to counsel her and support her as she explores sex and adult relationships, and to warn her of the dangers of promiscuity and poor judgement where boys are concerned - not to just ban sex out of hand and expect her to comply. Not only is that unreasonable but it's highly unrealistic and you are setting yourself up to fail, and to alienate her.

I think you and her father are in a blind panic and trying to control her as though she were still 12, not 16, and I suspect you are getting pretty heavy handed into the bargain. I think this is the real reason his mother let her hide out in her house - she was perhaps worried for her wellbeing and was trying to put some time and space between you in order to give everyone time to calm down. Admittedly she may have been a bit misguided in pretended your DD was not there, but I imagine her motivation was not to annoy you, but to protect your DD. Plus, if all you do is keep shouting the odds about how you dislike and distrust her son then she may be feeling very defensive and disinclined to co-operate with you.

There is no reason why her BF should not occasionally drink 'hard liquor' if he chooses.

There is no reason why his mother should listen to your demands about what happens in her own home, between two young people over the age of consent.

Of course if these things are affecting her school work etc, then it would be nice if you could come to some sort of compromise with his mother about when/how often she goes there, and you are entitled while she still lives with you to dictate when and where (to an extent) she goes out, but just shouting 'NO! I WON'T HAVE IT! YOU MUST ALL DO AS I SAY!' at everyone is going to get your nowhere.

I don't think he has changed her - I think just growing up has changed her. Stop looking to blame others and accept that she is not a little girl anymore.

You sound very pig-headed, expecting everyone else to fall into line and follow your rules. Just back off for a minute and focus on building a relationship with your daughter where she feels you are on her side. Don't you remember what it was like being 16?

We also found out that when she was 15 (he was 17) he stuck his hand down her knickers & she asked him to stop and he kept his hand there for a few minutes

We spoke to the police about this and they said that they would need to hear the complaint from our daughter.

How did you find out this? Did your daughter actually tell you that she felt at all violated or upset by this? Why and when did you speak to the police about it?

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 06:41:31

At 16 she is entitled to have a sexual relationship, you do respect and realise that don't you?

Start from there and support and talk to her. You are treating her like a naughty 12 year old. No wonder she is digging her heels in.

onyerbike Mon 30-Sep-13 06:43:09

OP I have real sympathy with you, I have experienced a similar situation with my teenager. It is very difficult to protect your daughter from herself if she is surrounded by people who undermine you.

Of course dd likes it at her bf's house, apparently there aren't many rules.
I suspect the family are only interested in their sons happiness unfortunately dd is to loved up and immature to know who has her best interests at heart.

It is very disloyal of your dd and i know how much it hurts but the only thing you can do is let it go and step back for your own sanity.

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 06:49:13

And all this to-ing and fro-ing with the police sounds like a nightmare of tit-for-tat accusations, each side trying to trump the other. Seriously, don't fall into the trap of dragging the police into this - it sounds unnecessary and counter-productive.

wakemeupnow Mon 30-Sep-13 06:50:12

They do sound like a nightmare but they do alsoseem to care about your daughter, but have very different limits to you. This situation needs to calm down and have the drama taken out of it for everyones sakes.

In order to keep communication open with your DD you are going to have to demonstrate to her that you trust her as she needs to learn to trust herself in situations that have risk attached.

I would let go the reigns a bit and try to find a compromise that suits you both. Could she stay over his house at the weekend if she agrees to stay home during the week for eg. Could you accept that she is going to have sexual relationships and take her to familly planning where she can get protection and advice ?

It hopefully won't last long. He has a history of cheating so he'll probably break her heart quite soon and you can be there to pick up the pieces.

Fairylea Mon 30-Sep-13 06:52:31

Also you say about the hand down the knickers incident - how did you find this out, given your relationship with your dd doesn't exactly sound like an open one?

The drinking - at 16 she should understand the implications of drinking on her own health conditions, she doesn't or shouldn't need anyone else telling her not to drink. At that age many teens are out at the weekend going to pubs with their friends, it is up to her to say no and look after herself. I take it you've had a calm and sensible discussion about how drink affects her medical condition?

For a 16 year old to turn to another family against her own and actually call the police on them is highly unusual. I suspect your response to her has been extremely heavy handed..

Roshbegosh Mon 30-Sep-13 07:00:01

Honestly I think you just have to be there when she comes back with the relationship in tatters, the bf's family fed up of her and a lesson learnt about life, I don't see what you can do to stop this that is legal. It is a nightmare situation and she might be enjoying the drama and choosing to miss school but I think you just have to accept that she has moved out for the time being. What will she live on? How will she spend her days? I hope she is using contraception. She is playing at being grown up and is being enabled by this boys family. In time she will see them for what they are rather than cool people treating her like an adult, which she is not. You have to sit it out and focus on your other children.

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:00:05

I think she's rebelling against your strictness and interference tbh.
It sounds as though you and your dh are rather inappropriately desperate to keep this young woman under the thumb like a little girl of 12.

She has flown to her boyfriend's family because she is sick of being controlled by her parents.
If you were not so OTT overbearing, I doubt she would have felt the need.

I think you may need to examine your own methods and what part they have played in all of this.

poachedeggs Mon 30-Sep-13 07:01:02

Great posts Fellatio.

gamerchick Mon 30-Sep-13 07:02:14

I totally agree with PP.. she's 16.. she's chosen to be sexually active and once they start you can't stop them.

It sounds as if you haven't released your parental strangle hold as she's got older. There comes a point where you can only guide them. You haven't got a chance of he'll of getting her to conform now.. not as she's tasted freedom.

You need to change your way of dealing with her.. you can't go backwards. It's time to acknowledge she's growing up and thrash out a compromise.

gamerchick Mon 30-Sep-13 07:03:13

Xposts

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:04:11

YY...I agree...I think the answer probably lies not in locking her down, but setting her free.

MrsHoratioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 07:08:44

I can understand that you are worried about your DD but your reaction seems to be way over the top and you are at serious risk of driving your daughter away forever. I doubt very much that this boy's mother has actually "encouraged" sexual relationship so much as permitted it.

In terms of a sexual relationship there is nothing you can do to stop this - legally or practically - and the more you try, the less success you are likely to have.

If her younger sister is also laying on the emotional blackmail (no doubt egged on by you) no wonder your DD wants to escape to her boyfriend's house where sees allowed to just get on with her life.

FellatioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 07:10:35

To me the fact that the mother is aware we did not want them sleeping together then encourages them to sleep in the same bed together is wrong :/ I wouldn't do that to another mothers daughter.

There is a big difference between encouraging, and accepting.

Another issue we have with them is they know our daughter has neurological seizures and shouldn't be drinking while these are under investigation but they thought it was a good idea to give her Jack Daniels & Jaeger bombs

Again, how do you know this in that level of detail? Are you reading her diary? Who is telling you these things? Do you know for sure that they are giving her the alcohol and encouraging her to drink, or are they just turning a blind eye to the fact that she drinks? Was it at a party they held and a one off, or do they (as you seem to want to imply) ply her with booze regularly for no good reason?

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 07:20:13

And I think sending your younger daughter to their door in tears, having already been there yourself half an hour earlier, clearly marks you out as the problem. Total overkill.

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