Teenage boys, you've got to love them! Who else's does this?(176 Posts)
Just went over to ds2 and leant over him:
Ds2 (looking alarmed): "Whachya doin?"
Me: "Kissing you"
Ds2 (trying to back off further into the settee): "Whaaattt? What for?"
I plant the kiss.
Ds2: "Eww, you're gay, gerroff"
He loves me really, honest
ILoveAFullFridge - are you saying I don't give him enough love?
MissStrawberry, I don't think Fridge is saying that you don't give him enough love. I think she's saying something along the lines of the more secure they are, uthe more able they feel to act up - because they know they're loved and will continue to be loved, no matter what. It's that old cliche about hurting the ones you love the most. They need boundaries, partly so that they can try and push those boundaries. Then when they find they can't, it reinforces their sense of belonging, ie, someone loves them enough to care, and to keep on loving them even when they're being vile.
Hope that makes sense, and apologies to Fridge for explaining on her behalf.
I am glad he feels secure but not that he uses us as a punch bag!!
He has been okay today but I did have to say not to start a couple of times.
YY to what Juan has just said - very very true.
Miss Strawberry, my DS1 is 13 now, but only just. At the beginning of the year he was having the most awful tantrums and would blow up about all sorts of stuff almost at the drop of the hat. One minute he would be fine and the next he would go off on one.
I must admit, I shouted back, sent him to his room to get him out of my sight (or he went anyway and banged a few doors on the way). I told him to buck his ideas up, he couldn't talk to people that way and all the other clichés you hope you will never say when you become a parent and still end up saying. To be frank, some days it was a bit of a war zone here, (not helped by DS2 being annoying by being a goody 2 shoes either).
I have to agree with everything JuanPotato said. They need boundaries because it shows you care. It sounds great that he still comes for cuddles. If he still does that, I reckon it will be OK in the end. The bond is still strong and he still wants your love and attention.
The weirdest thing was for me was the day I stopped being angry with him long enough to notice how sad he looked in between the ranting at me and stomping around. Instead of shouting, I gave him a cuddle, he burst into tears and we talked about how hard it is being a teenager. I thought that stuff only worked in the parenting books! I didn't expect that at all and it seems he has been better since then. I hope it is because he knows that we still love him no matter how vile he is and he doesn't need to test us so much. He can still be horrible but can't we all but at least our doors aren't taking such a hammering!!
None of that takes away from my earlier post about him being a very cuddly boy. He is and I love him to bits but it isn't all sweetness and light. Actually thinking about it, a perfect child would be a bit creepy.
"ILoveAFullFridge - are you saying I don't give him enough love?"
Oh goodness no! I hope you haven't taken it to heart that way . Not at all what I meant.
I was trying to acknowledge how tough it is to be consistent in your love, and express it, when they are being so horribly challenging.
Sometimes I want to just turn away from them and say "you think after you've treated me like dirt, I still feel like cuddling you?" Because that's how I do feel. Mostly I swallow it, but, just occasionally, I let them know that I'm too hurt by their behaviour and need some time to myself. But later on I always find them for a cuddle or other display of affection.
And I agree with everything JuanPotato said.
I have tried cuddling him when he has been hitting out emotionally but he started hurting my physically and I took it as he had recently lost his Great Grandmother but it really hurt. It isn't something I have tried for a while but I will certainly try again next time he decides to get rude with us.
This is such an interesting thread that we're going to move it to Teenagers so it doesn't get lost!
MissStrawberry- please, please don't be too disheartened. The lovely young man I talked about earlier was foul, at times, for many years. I can remember, even now, sitting in the car with him one time and pressing my lips so tight together it hurt, I was so angry with him.
Other times, when he would say he hated me, I would yell back "Well I don't like you very much right now either!" And yes, sometimes, if he offered an apology, I would say "Fine. But I'm not ready to accept it yet. I still need to calm down. You were unspeakably rude."
Term after term after term we were called into school for meetings with teachers/head of year/vice principals because of his behaviour. I used to rant (not in his hearing) that I couldn't wait until he went off to uni, because the thought of living with him after he'd finished school was too awful to bear.
But. Somewhere along the way he started thinking about what he wanted to do/where he wanted to be as an adult. (At the beginning of GCSE years, actually). And he changed. Started doing homework, paying attention in class. And he started becoming nicer at home, too. Now he's nearly 18 and will be off, next year. And I will miss him.
One thing I did notice. Dh (not his bio Dad) would always make a big deal of any infractions, going on and on about them. But when he did something good, it would be a fairly grudging "Well done." So I made sure that I made as much of his achievements as I did telling him off about the bad stuff- balancing out the scales, as it were. Sometimes it was hard to find something good to praise, but when I found it, I made sure he knew all about it.
As much as I may have believed that kids should be good 'Just because', or because I was, or because DH was, I had to realise that some kids just aren't like that. Some of them need a bit more.
Miss Strawberry - I hope the hug thing works for you. I know it won't be the solution every time but I thought I would share as for us, at that time, it really diffused things. If it helps, I think I had let him storm off and calm down just a tiny bit before I went to him. I think the timing relevant at that time but I didn't go with the intention of cuddling him but probably to have another go. Maybe it helped because it was spontaneous and not what he expected. It probably helped that we had time to have a heart to heart which you don't always have if you have to be somewhere or there are other people around.
I also wanted to say, he is still a long way from perfect, so am I and I don't want you to think I am smug enough to think it is the answer to everything.
Shodan, I think there was advice around when mine were little that you should praise more than you tell off, even when your children are being horrendous. I think that must apply to older children too from what you are saying. It can be quite challenging though, can't it?!
And I had forgotten there was a teenage topic and that I can officially post here now.
Of course I feel really old too. When I joined MN I was on toddler threads and the teenage threads seemed a long way off.
And then you get the blissful evening of peace when DS is having tea at his girlfriends house and is beyond the drinking in the woods with his daft mates phase we enjoy so much
I was thinking about how my newly-teen and I express affection (and also my other dc) and I realised that there's a lot of non-kissy/huggy stuff going on. Maybe even more than the kissy/huggy stuff. Things like running my hand across his shoulders as I walk past him, just making physical contact in passing. Or sitting down next to him with my own book/iPad while he's reading/DSing.
He used to overwhelmed by too much physicality (Aspergian!) so I looked for other ways to express affection without smothering him, and to teach him about closeness. Perhaps it was because kissy/huggy me stopped leaping on him, that he learned to initiate it himself?
Anyway, it seems to fit a teens need for affection, too.
Just found DS 13 in my bed surrounded by soft toys.
He didnt shower after Rugby either.......
I love it when my DS' get up at the weekend and come lumbering into our bed. The dog then usually joins us, and it becomes a huge mass of restless limbs flailing about. But I love the fact they still do it without thinking. Also sometimes where we get the best conversations.
What a lovely thread! I have a darling boy, aged 13, and cuddly as hell (but only in private). It drives me mad sometimes when he wants hugging ALL the time, but I think it is because it's tough out there trying to be tough whilst meanwhile you are still a kiddyboy. Today he said to me 'I love you SO much, mum' and said it with such conviction. When he hugs me he squeezes really tight and I explain to him that you need to handle ladies with care as we are precious things that need to be treated real special...... in the hope that one day he will be a wonderful, gentle, handsome hunk and the girls will go wild about him cos he understands them #burstingwithpridethatimadehim
Just like when they're little you have to grit your teeth and mutter 'it's a phase'
DS now 21 went through a stage (13?) when walking down the street with me was too embarrassing, let alone physical contact, to wanting lots of hugs (when he wasn't punching walls) 16?. To when you finally get to the moment when this gorgeous young man puts his arm round your shoulders in the street, offers to carry your shopping and greets you with a hug and kiss at the station! Hang in there
My 13 yr DS has shunned all kisses since being a toddler but has always gone gooey when given a back rub/scratch. Every now and then he sidles up on the sofa and says 'Back scratch' or 'head stroke'. I am so pleased he loves his little bit of physical contact as otherwise we would never touch and, as a touchy huggy family, this would be a gap. Have noted as his joy in growing being taller than me and expect that he may soon be, sarcastically putting his arm across my shoulders!
My DS(16) will still drape himself over me and pat me on the head. Apparently his friends think I'm a leg-end for putting up with his goodbyes The current favourite is him saying "Farewell mother, I'm away. Don't miss me too much but feel free to tidy my room. Toodles!" to which I reply "I don't know what I'd do without you. My whole day, no my whole life, revolves around you. I shall need shares in Kleenex until you return." Admittedly we are odd...
I think I've got a bit of dust in my eye ;-) ds 18 is cuddly, he tells me he still sleeps with his "boys" (teddies) to make me happy, lol. Currently he is unwell and when I went in last night to say good night he made me read Dogger (I love that story). He often makes me lie down when I say good night so he can chat to me, and when I'm asleep he flings the door open to kiss me goodnight in case I'm missing him.
I luffs boys.
My 15 yr old youngest ds will tolerate a good morning hug and still occasionally let me hold his hand when we're watching tv after school. He'll also pat me on the head and ask what's the weather like down there mini mum, he's 5'11 and still growing lol
Mine is cuddled into me right now. He says he needs a little mummylove. Yesterday I was satan in a skirt. And they say girls are hormonal?
Sorry to resurrect this thread, but it made me cry! So lovely some of the little posts.
My DS is 3.5, and goodness, I sometimes simply can not stop kissing and cuddling him. He can't pass me without me pinching his bottom, kissing him, stroking him. And now he doesn't want me to come to the toilet with him a more, even though it was a special time because we already read a book or had a chat. It breaks my heart, but then I read these stories is and think "it'll be ok". So thank you! X
I wish, I wish...but the time for cuddles had long past by the time we were on speaking terms again.
I suppose there must have been some when I was little. But to put the most charitable view on it, she had 3 others to look after.
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