Back @ school 6 days and already in trouble 3 times. NIGHTMARE!

(27 Posts)
Spidermama Fri 13-Sep-13 17:11:48

Since DS, who's 13, went back to school his head of year has already phoned me three times.
1. To report he had the wrong uniform. He's allowed black Vans, but not the ones with the white stripe on the sole.
2. He was caught in possession of a lighter, with some smoking boys in the school field.
3. Having been told earlier this week they're not allowed rugby balls in the playing field (expect during rugby), not only was he caught with a rugby ball but when Sir told him to hand it over he held it behind his back, thereby directly challenging Sir's authority.

Number 3 means he'll now spend a day in isolation next week.

Today he'd planned a trip to the cinema with his friends. I'd said last week when he planned the trip I would sub him his pocket money a day early for this. However, after getting phone call number 3 and coming home to hear him and his cinema friends laughing about it whilst listening to loud music, I had a change of heart and told him he can't go and I'm not giving him the money.

After a bit of beggin, disbelief and crying, he went out with his friends anyway shouting, 'BYE MOTHER'! angry

Now I can't relax, have wine and start my weekend because I' worried about him and what he's doing.

Your thoughts and wisdom would be very much appreciated. Where to next? He's in trouble at school all the time.

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:55:32

Can you not go into school and talk with his head of year about how to help him? You probably already have if this is a regular thing!

Does he enjoy school? Is there anything he's good at?

I don't know either why these kids act like they do? My 13 DS has been awful this week, so I sympathise.

It's a nightmare!

Spidermama Fri 13-Sep-13 18:51:20

The problem is he's a completely different boy at school and I don't recognise the boy the teacher tells me about. But it's happened so often I'm not going to defend him.

Fressia Fri 13-Sep-13 18:56:24

Oh I was shocked when I first saw how my daughter spoke /reacted to teachers at school ! I have had a week of it not looking forward to Monday already how many weeks till half term x

Spidermama Fri 13-Sep-13 19:37:30

He's still out of the house. Absent without leave. I don't know what to do next and how to mark this.

Was I right to refuse to give him cinema money and say he couldn't go? I felt I couldn't just do nothing. He came home so cocky surrounded by admirers who think he's a legend for being rude to a teacher.

I am out of my depth. DH jetted off today for six days so isn't able to help.

mrspaddy Fri 13-Sep-13 19:40:13

You were totally right not to give him the money and he was out of order to go out after you said no! Is there any sanction you could use.. Remove tv, playstation etc?

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 21:56:07

Yes I agree you were right to say he couldn't go to the cinema. He needs to have something removed from him as mrspaddy says.

My son id fine at school but awful at home. Cruel to his brother, slams doors, winds everybody up, answers back, utterly irritating.

He's had TV removed from his room since Wed and has since had phone, tablet and ipod taken off him.

pollycazalet Sat 14-Sep-13 15:12:46

I hope he got back safe and sound and things are calmer today.

My view, for what it's worth. He's misbehaved at school. They are punishing him. I don't think he needs an additional punishment for that at home but he does need to know that you are unhappy about the behaviour, it's not acceptable and it needs to improve.

In the instance you describe I would not have allowed his friends in the house after school - I would have sent them home. I would then have had a discussion with him about the latest incident and made it clear that I supported the school's actions and tried to get to the bottom of his behaviour with him. Are you able to talk to him? I might have allowed the cinema after this, depending on how it went.

However. Your DS has compounded the bad behaviour at school by going AWOL at home. You need to put in some very clear sanctions and boundaries about this behaviour in the future. I have a 13 year old too and I know that if we got into a confrontation, I wouldn't be able to physically stop him leaving the house. At the moment, he complies with what I ask him to do, because he knows the consequences. Only you know what you DS will respond to in terms of sanctions but set them out very clearly and make sure you follow up if it happens again.

More generally - have you spoken to the school about his behaviour, what they think is going on, how they plan to deal with it and how you can support them. I think your DS needs to understand you're working in partnership with the school on his behaviour and that you back them up 100% - even on issues like uniform which can feel petty and nit-picky. Would some carrots help - xx weeks without an incident at school = something he wants.

My DS is a mass of hormones at the moment. I try not to let myself get into controntational situations with him as I think teenage boys find it difficult to deal with - they get upset and mask it with anger. Clear bondaries mean I can say 'Ok, I've said no and you know if you do xx then yy will be the result' and then walk away.

Spidermama Sun 15-Sep-13 11:54:56

Well he came home at around 9pm having seen the film. He achieved this by stealing 15 euros on the kitchen dresser and converting it into £s at a Bureau de Change in town! He's aware it means no pocket money until it's paid back. I can't help being slightly impressed at his ingenuity.

Pollycazalet I agree that he shouldn't be punished at home because he's already being punished at school.

He was also very contrite last night. In truth he grovelled. He made me tea, looked after his little brother while I popped out and walked the dog.

I agree that I need to go in and have a proper chat with the school about his issues. I've had plenty of phone chats but I reckon its time to go in. He's very cheeky to teachers. One of the problems is that he's in the top set for everything and so has perhaps got a bit complacent. I think that without working hard, he'll find his position slipping.

I'm also concerned he's disruptive and ruins things for others at school. That's the sort of behaviour which I really hated from others when I was at school.

noblegiraffe Sun 15-Sep-13 12:05:08

You say he is a completely different boy at school to at home, but have described him disobeying your direct instructions not to go, cheeking you in front of his friends (bye mother), and stealing from you.
Are you sure he's so different at school? Tbh, stealing from you in order to get around a sanction should warrant a bit more of a punishment than simply stopping his pocket money to pay it back.

I think you need to talk to the school but also set some clear boundaries about appropriate behaviour at home, and enforce some strong sanctions for this latest poor behaviour, no matter how contrite he appeared when he got home.

ll31 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:19:47

Id be massively unimpressed with your non reaction to his stealing tbh. Think he sounds like hes moving towards being out of control, in school and home.

Lilyloo Sun 15-Sep-13 19:29:04

Up to the stealing from you I would have said let school deal with it and a sanction for him for going out without permission.
The stealing would set my alarm bells going and I would come down on that heavily.

Spidermama Sun 15-Sep-13 21:11:01

You're probably right but he didn't exactly steal it. It was just out in a dish on the dresser and I was in the room when he took it. True he didn't ask because he knew full well I wouldn't let him have it. He has now given it back by giving me his pocket money.

You're right though. He certainly lacks respect for authority and that includes (possibly even begins with) me.

noblegiraffe Sun 15-Sep-13 22:28:24

He took your money without your permission in order to circumvent a punishment that you had given him yet you are reluctant to call it stealing and have imposed next to no sanction?

You seem to be making excuses for him.

Ilovegeorgeclooney Sun 15-Sep-13 23:40:06

I would imagine with his current attitude he will not stay in top sets for long. Not only does it sound like he is not working hard but he is disruptive. As GCSE work starts he will find he is falling behind/missing important work when sent out/in inclusion. He sounds like he is trying very hard to be 'cool' and 'popular'. Has he had friendship issues in the past?

HavantGuard Sun 15-Sep-13 23:46:46

He's not a different boy at school from what you've described. You tried to discipline him and he responded by stealing money -yes, taking it was stealing - and totally ignoring the fact that you'd told him he couldn't go. And you're 'slightly impressed at his ingenuity'? Wow. He has absolutely no respect for you.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 15-Sep-13 23:56:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

survivingthechildren Mon 16-Sep-13 04:57:23

Ooh spidermama I do empathise. I have 5 DC all in all, DS1(15), DS2(13), DS3(11), DS4(7), and DD(5).

DS1 is very very difficult at home and school, and from what you've described, I'm pretty sure your 13 year old lives in my house. DS2 is very cocky, his often gets carried away and is very cheeky to his teachers. A lot of B-grade nobbish behaviour. Now that he's 13 he's too big for his boots!

You were absolutely right to say no to the movie, and doing an excellent job by following through and making him pay back the money. I agree with what's been said, get straight into the teachers and nix this now. IME it only gets harder the further this goes on.

I'm not sure what to offer in terms of practical advice, as I'm going through the same thing. I just make sure I'm in communication with the staff, and that I present a united front with the school to DS. We sometimes punish at home, depending on what has happened. For cheekiness, we have a word about it and leave it at that. However, DS1 and DS2 have been isolated before, and we remove privileges at home for that.

Gilbertus Mon 16-Sep-13 22:07:23

He sounds like he needs taking down a peg. Fwiw I'd be horrified if my 13 year old behaved like that (going out without permission and STEALING money) shock

Spidermama Mon 16-Sep-13 22:08:30

Thanks Surviving. You've got one more than I have! Pretty full on isn't it?
I think one of our problems is that I have different parenting methods from DH and it's really hard to unify when you deep down don't agree with each other.

He's really lovely sometimes. I've been impressed with how he's helped DS3 enter Year 7 as smoothly as possible. That's a turn around. He has been on his best behaviour since that night and he still has to do isolation one day this week. He turns into someone completely different when his peers are around. (Two of his friends were here when he took the euros.)

flow4 Tue 17-Sep-13 08:25:33

Spider, a word of warning from one who has Been There and made the same mistakes: you really do sound to me like you are making excuses for him and letting him off the hook.

Some of the things I'm hearing from you are:
"Taking money that isn't his without permission isn't really stealing; it wasn't really his fault because I left it lying around".
"He's lovely really; this bad behaviour isn't really him ".
"He does bad things, but he's sorry afterwards, so that's kind of ok".
"He does bad things, but he does nice things afterwards, so that sort of makes up for it".
"He does bad things, but he does them cleverly, so that's not so bad".
"He's being led astray; it's not really his fault; his friends are a bad influence".
"It's hard for him cos DH and I aren't parenting him consistently".

I did this too when DS1 was a young teen, so I recognise the behaviour, but I also know it doesn't end well.

IMO, the teenage years are all about teens learning to take responsibility for themselves. When they were little, mummy or other grown ups took responsibility for everything and sorted out every problem, but now, they have to learn to do that for themselves. You have to be clear with them when they've messed up, and you have to let them face consequences. They need to take responsibility for situations they've created.

If you don't do this Spider - if you keep making excuses for him and letting him off the hook - you will find he pushes his luck further and further. Pretty soon, he'll be bigger and stronger than you, and you won't be able to 'make' him do anything. Before that point, he needs a lot of practice at making himself 'do the right thing' and facing up to consequences. If he isn't able to, you are in for a very, very difficult few years.

Spidermama Sun 22-Sep-13 14:17:16

Thanks Flow. You're right. I have been ruminating on this and talking to DH all weekend. I clearly do make excuses for him but largely because I rarely see this complete toss pot he turns into around his peers. I have seen it though and it's deeply uncomfortable.

One of the problems is that in my mums house my brother and sister and I never needed to be disciplined as such. My mum would just reason with us. If we knew we'd disappointed her that was enough to prompt a change in bahaviour.

I assumed my kids would be the same but they're not. Or certainly DS isn't.

MrsDavidBowie Sun 22-Sep-13 15:49:11

Don't allow his friends to come to the house if he becomes cocky around them.
And you need to go into school and talk to them properly.

JohnnyUtah Sun 22-Sep-13 19:21:39

I think flow has said it all. You do recognise the way he behaves at school, because you have described equally bad behaviour at home. You are making excuses for him and you need to stop.

What have you said about the stolen money? I would deduct double from his pocket money. And about the going AWOL? It needs a consequence that will stop him doing it again.

Mine are 12 and 14. I'm still learning. But I'm pretty sure I can see you're going wrong here.

JohnnyUtah Sun 22-Sep-13 19:25:01

Looking at your posts again, he sounds like a social character. I would consider removing his access to Facebook.

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