dd - aged 15 - sex and drugs??

(6 Posts)
sleepbeforebed Fri 06-Sep-13 12:49:05

Name changer here, in case dd knows my mumsnet user name.

Have one dd, aged 15. She?s funny, bright, lovely. She goes to an all girl? school.

This summer she had quite a lot of freedom. She went out most days (I thought with friends, she told me who), and texted me to say where she was going and what she was doing. Always home by 7 pm. Now I look back I think we gave her too much freedom these holidays and took her at her word about what she was doing and with whom.

Just before she went back to school I went to her room to look for her school shoes. I found a bag with cigarettes, a lighter, some Rizla papers and some things that looked like plastic cigarettes but they were patterned. She came home and I confronted her, she insisted they weren?t her?s but that she was keeping t hem for a friend, who I don?t know well at all. I believed her. Her father used to smoke and earlier this year nearly died from related complications and I thought this would have been enough to put her off. I told her that any friend who could ask her to do this was not really a good person. She threw the stuff away. She said she texted the friend. I didn?t check. Something though still felt not quite right.

I came home last night and dd?s facebook page was open. There was a conversation between her and her best friend (who I know very well). I read it. Dd said that she had been smoking weed, and also that she had ?got off? with a boy. Very graphic - heavy petting, including a bj. I do not know what to think. Is my dd lying, and just trying to make herself seem more ?interesting?? Or is this the truth? If the truth I do not know my dd at all. She doesn?t have a boyfriend so whoever she got off with she is not in a relationship with so there really can?t be much mutual respect or kindness there and dd is worth so much more than that. Her friend?s replies were veryr non-committal, which makes me wonder if she just made it all up and her friend knows this. Is making stuff like this up normal?

I haven?t done anything. Haven?t told her dad. I am frozen with fear. I am in a no-win situation if I tell dd what I have read because she will say I have invaded her privacy. Which I have, but something told me to and I make no apologies for doing this to protect her. Dd has always been anti-drugs (and we have spoken about weed). I have not smelt smoke on her at all. I have also tried to teach her that when she is in a relationship it should be about respect and kindness and being treated well.

She has just started her GCSE year, and has already said she will only go out once a week, at the weekend.

Any ideas of what to do, please? Thank you

sleepbeforebed Fri 06-Sep-13 12:49:48

Sorry for ? everywhere, the cut and paste didn't work

Spidermama Sun 08-Sep-13 22:21:58

Hi Sleepbeforebed. Sorry you're so worried. I can understand why.
A dad down the road was telling me about his DD in year 7 who went to the park with 12 other kids, 9 of whom were smoking weed. I remember being horrified. Now I know my 13 year old, who's just started year 9 smokes it. It's rife in secondary schools. Most parents have no idea.

I can understand why you looked at her FB page though before I had teenagers I would have been outraged at parents doing this. Now I know how secretive they are and the scary things they can get up to.

I'd be more worried about the BJ but I guess they do experiment at this age. I think I gave my first BJ at 16 and I felt I was in full control of the situation. It was amazing. But I worry for my DD (who's also 15) because of the availability of porn and the expectations in places. I have talked to her quite specifically about this. (To my DS too). I really want them both to understand that this is not a normal or desirable portrayal of sex.

They're mortified when I talk to them about it but I do. Exhaustively.

I would try to find ways to talk to her about weed. If she's just experimenting then it's not a major concern imo. The tobacco in it would worry me more. I also find alcohol more worrying than weed.

Could you talk to her without revealing how you found out the info. EG 'I have it on good authority that you have been experimenting with weed. Can we talk about it'.

My DD is the only one of my four who doesn't lie to me. She told me she's tried weed three times. Twice with her brother and once she ate some with a friend. I felt far less concerned when she told me./ Everything's far more relaxing when you know they're telling the truth because as long as you have the real information you can deal with it.

Sorry this is a bit long and rambling and may not be too much help but you're not alone.

specialsubject Sun 08-Sep-13 22:41:22

scary.

the waccy baccy can have serious psychiatric effects. Her other activity has obvious disease risks. That said, it is quite possible that she is lying to look 'cool' - but telling all of Facebook is a really bad idea.

hope you can help her find some healthier hobbies.

Spidermama Sun 08-Sep-13 22:45:55

But was she 'telling all' on Facebook or was it a private message to a friend? If it was the former then that's the scariest thing yet and you need to tell her about privacy settings and have a good long chat about the public and permanent nature of social networking.

sleepbeforebed Mon 09-Sep-13 12:24:56

thank you for the replies.

This was a private set if messages to a friend.

I asked dd whether at the weekend whether she knew that the stuff I had found was being used for drugs, I asked her if she had taken drugs. She was very upset. She said she hadn't. I told her father and he agreed that she would not have done this. She has seen what smoking does, as I said, he nearly died a few months ago. She is also clear about the effects of dope, she seems very anti drugs to me.

I think I believe her. With regards to the boy, who knows? I think (hope) that she just made this up. The way her friend replied suggested that this was her thought too. Dd is now rarely going out - at her own suggestion as she has GCSEs next year - and only at weekends so I think that this will be easier for me to make sure I know where she is going and with whom.

Dp and I going to keep a close eye on the situation. I am hoping that all is okay (I might be fooling myself here!) and that she made a mistake by agreeing to look after someone else's stuff and tried to make stuff up to a friend to look more interesting. i might be wrong.

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