Different gender 14 year olds sharing room on a sleepover

(37 Posts)
Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 01:57:38

Is this common? They are just friends and the boy is v interested in a different girl; dd is not interested in the boy, except as a friend. He has, apparently, often had sleepovers with girls in their group , sharing a room. Dd says her reputation will never recover if we make him sleep on the sofa.

I do believe that she has no interest in him, but dh says "he's a 14 yo boy! I know what they're like."

perplexedpirate Wed 04-Sep-13 19:58:47

grin
Too many goddamn pirates!
grin

Jux Wed 04-Sep-13 19:43:07

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! PiratePanda, yours.

(blush sorry PerplexedPirate)

PiratePanda Wed 04-Sep-13 19:20:21

Which pirate? grin

Jux Wed 04-Sep-13 08:03:26

I think I love your parents, Pirate grin

perplexedpirate Tue 03-Sep-13 22:12:20

Conflicting Pirates, there!
grin

PiratePanda Tue 03-Sep-13 22:02:52

No. I secretly appreciated having "strict parents" who I could blame for not allowing me to do supposedly cool but in reality stupid things I was under peer pressure to do.

My parents' house rules were no boys in bedrooms, no closed doors, nothing below the neck, don't take anything off and don't lie down grin

I'm grateful.

perplexedpirate Tue 03-Sep-13 21:53:08

I'm glad you found what works for you OP but I did want to say that I used to sleep over with my boy or girl friends all the time, from the ages of about 14 onwards.
Nothing remotely untoward ever happened, and we are still all mates now, 20 years on.
So it's not always a bad thing.

Jux Tue 03-Sep-13 21:46:18

Well, it all was fine. They stayed up late watching dvds of old sitcoms (70s). He slept on a put up bed in the sitting room and she slept in her bed. They spent a fait ampunt of time in her room, but the door was open and whenever I went past or wandered in there was no indication at all that anything untoward was going on.

I'm glad we've set the precedent though. Thanks all thanks

bevelino Tue 03-Sep-13 19:41:06

OP no it is not common.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 11:45:53

I am joking of course. Someone upthread said that saying no is to protect the boy just as much as your girl, and I totally agree.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 11:45:16

Oh, right smile

DH utilises the sitting all night in the doorway with a shotgun technique wink

Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 11:39:02

Yup. Agree with all your points, and plantsitter particularly. Thanks for putting it so well - I think that was my incoherent fear which I had not been able to articulate.

AF, whenever a sleepover woth a boy has been mooted in the last year or so, dh has talked about barbed wire round the bed, trip wires and so on.

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 10:10:00

Actually amongst all these very pertinent points, plantsitter has come up with the most important one.

And as the parent of the boy in this situation, I wouldn't be happy either, because it could theoretically happen in reverse at this age too.

The potential is there for them to have sex, for one or both of them to regret it, and it to turn into a really nasty he says/she says argument involving the entire friendship group.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 10:07:04

Barbed wire ?

Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 10:01:03

Thank you all. Your replies were very helpful.

To make things even easier, DH has just come down and said no, with no mention of barbed wire so he is definitely serious. grin

Auntfini Mon 02-Sep-13 10:00:07

Why does he need to sleepover? I don't like the idea that he has a lot of sleepovers with different girls.
If you let him share her room you're putting her in a position of having to say no to him if he tries it on. No way should you be considering this.

cory Mon 02-Sep-13 09:58:53

By saying no you are also making it easier for the parent whose next sleepover your dd attends to say no. So not only making life safer for your dd in your house, on this occasion, but generally.

plantsitter Mon 02-Sep-13 09:57:25

It's one thing if they shag because both of them have made the (most likely misguided) decision to do it.

It's another if your daughter finds she's sharing a room with a boy who suddenly realises he really does want to have sex with her, and because she's agreed to share a room and she doesn't want to look tight or whatever the current word is and wants a cooler reputation, she doesn't feel able to refuse and ends up having sex when she doesn't really want to, in a place that ought to be the safest in the world, with you asleep next door.

Don't put her in that position.

elastamum Mon 02-Sep-13 09:45:12

I wouldnt.

I have had mixed teen sleepovers and I make the girls sleep upstairs next to me and boys downstairs. And DEF no alcohol. They are still a nightmare, with teens rampaging all over the house and they NEVER go to bed.

I dont care what their friends think, 14yr olds dont have much judgement and if they dont like it then they dont have to stay.

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 02-Sep-13 09:37:26

You are the adult & she is the child.

No is a complete sentence.

Bloody nightmare but raging hormones and all that ....no way.

They all do the eye-rolling " but EVERYONE else's mum lets them"

.....no they don't they are all wavering just like you honestly! grin

DumSpiroSpero Mon 02-Sep-13 09:37:20

If you don't know him well, then I would say YANBU to refuse.

My DD is 9 and one of her best friends is a boy who comes for sleepovers. I imagine I would probably trust them to share a room as young teens, but he is the son of some of our closest friends and we've known him since he was a newborn.

JohnnyUtah Mon 02-Sep-13 09:36:39

Why does he need to stay over, do you live rurally? Can't they just spend the day together, that's what I'd suggest with my 14 yo.

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 09:35:19

In fact, it wouldn't (imo) be much different if it was a group.

I've banned mixed sleepovers, either here or elsewhere, for my kids between the ages of 12 and 17. It's easier to have a blanket ban.

<sighs more>

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 09:34:12

No, not acceptable. Not just the two of them, it might be different if there were a group.

If it goes ahead, it will be all over Facebook in the morning, with the boy being encouraged by his mates to tell all, and her being called all sorts of names.

Re the "if they are going to shag they will" suggestion, I've heard parents use this type of reasoning to justifying supplying alcohol to 14 year olds - "they are going to drink anyway, at least this way they are doing it in a house not a field".

But the point of teenagers is to push barriers, to sneak the odd drink, to find a field for a bit of experimentation. Our job as parents is to resist as long as possible [sigh]

runningonwillpower Mon 02-Sep-13 09:32:07

It's a tricky one.

It's one thing to let them share a room because you trust them and it's a platonic friendship. I know that my daughter would have been furious if I'd given her reason to think I didn't trust her. Trust can be its own burden and lack of it can, for some, be seen as justification for 'misbehaviour'.

But you would be setting a precedent. What if she meets a boy next week who is not a platonic friend? It would be rather difficult to then justify refusing to let them share the room. It's very hard to say, 'I didn't worry about you sleeping with that one but I do worry about you sleeping with this one'.

I've been in this position and I still don't know the straightforward answer. A long frank talk with your daughter is all I can suggest.

Parenting teenagers is a minefield. Good luck!

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