Different gender 14 year olds sharing room on a sleepover

[Jux]

Is this common? They are just friends and the boy is v interested in a different girl; dd is not interested in the boy, except as a friend. He has, apparently, often had sleepovers with girls in their group , sharing a room. Dd says her reputation will never recover if we make him sleep on the sofa.

I do believe that she has no interest in him, but dh says "he's a 14 yo boy! I know what they're like."

[Katastrofee]

Have you asked her what reputation is that? I mean is the whole coolness about getting mum to accept she will share a room with a boy?
Is the boy collecting shared rooms ?

[Auntfini]

Er... No way

[Slainte]

My mum advised my aunt against this some years ago when my cousin wanted to do it. My aunt flipped on my mum saying she trusted her daughter etc etc. Cue a pregnant 14 year old cousin.

Don't want to scare you off but hormones are illogical and fickle in a young teenager.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Hate to break it to you, but if they are going to shag, they are going to shag, whether it be in her room, or a night time wander to the sofa

[colditz]

No! God,no.

My friend had a mother who was "cool with it" and who felt vindicated when my friend got to eighteen without a pregnancy, unfortunately my friends younger sister was not so lucky, and was pregnant at fifteen by a boy who turned out to be a career criminal.

[Katastrofee]

if they are going to shag, they are going to shag

I think this is only true if you make yourself invisible and accommodating and let the particular kind of peer pressures to decide. I don't believe 14 years old can give consent. I think part of teaching self respect to a girl is to let her differentiate between her own needs and giving in to external pressures because she is trying to keep up or gain approval of particular types.

[TheFallenNinja]

Nope 10:30pm, there's the door mate.

[AnyFucker]

You are not seriously considering this ?

[Jux]

The reputation she has is that she's a bit old-fashioned, odd, studious with very strict old-fashioned parents.

I do think if they're going to shag, they'll find a way, and so far this summer there have been quite a few unsupervised beach parties, where anything could happen.

In fact, we're not particularly strict, and she has had a lot of freedom, but that's because we trust her. I do not know the boy well enough to say whether I trust him or not, and I know dd may feel she has something to prove to some of the bitchier girls in her year.

I don't know parents/families of any of her secondary school friends.

She had a hard time fitting in at school, was teased as 'posh' by some of tye noisier elements, and this last academic year is when she relaxed enough to become part of a group. She has got on well with this boy for most of her time in secondary, but they became close friends last year. They have always said they see each other as brother and sister.

[AnyFucker]

Jux, allowing a boy to sleepover in her room is NOT going to enhance her reputation in the eyes of her bitchier peers

[isitsnowingyet]

Ermm, no.

[runningonwillpower]

It's a tricky one.

It's one thing to let them share a room because you trust them and it's a platonic friendship. I know that my daughter would have been furious if I'd given her reason to think I didn't trust her. Trust can be its own burden and lack of it can, for some, be seen as justification for 'misbehaviour'.

But you would be setting a precedent. What if she meets a boy next week who is not a platonic friend? It would be rather difficult to then justify refusing to let them share the room. It's very hard to say, 'I didn't worry about you sleeping with that one but I do worry about you sleeping with this one'.

I've been in this position and I still don't know the straightforward answer. A long frank talk with your daughter is all I can suggest.

Parenting teenagers is a minefield. Good luck!

[JohnnyUtah]

Why does he need to stay over, do you live rurally? Can't they just spend the day together, that's what I'd suggest with my 14 yo.

[DumSpiroSpero]

If you don't know him well, then I would say YANBU to refuse.

My DD is 9 and one of her best friends is a boy who comes for sleepovers. I imagine I would probably trust them to share a room as young teens, but he is the son of some of our closest friends and we've known him since he was a newborn.

[MissMarplesBloomers]

You are the adult & she is the child.

No is a complete sentence.

Bloody nightmare but raging hormones and all that ....no way.

They all do the eye-rolling " but EVERYONE else's mum lets them"

.....no they don't they are all wavering just like you honestly!

[elastamum]

I wouldnt.

I have had mixed teen sleepovers and I make the girls sleep upstairs next to me and boys downstairs. And DEF no alcohol. They are still a nightmare, with teens rampaging all over the house and they NEVER go to bed.

I dont care what their friends think, 14yr olds dont have much judgement and if they dont like it then they dont have to stay.

[plantsitter]

It's one thing if they shag because both of them have made the (most likely misguided) decision to do it.

It's another if your daughter finds she's sharing a room with a boy who suddenly realises he really does want to have sex with her, and because she's agreed to share a room and she doesn't want to look tight or whatever the current word is and wants a cooler reputation, she doesn't feel able to refuse and ends up having sex when she doesn't really want to, in a place that ought to be the safest in the world, with you asleep next door.

Don't put her in that position.

[cory]

By saying no you are also making it easier for the parent whose next sleepover your dd attends to say no. So not only making life safer for your dd in your house, on this occasion, but generally.

[Auntfini]

Why does he need to sleepover? I don't like the idea that he has a lot of sleepovers with different girls.
If you let him share her room you're putting her in a position of having to say no to him if he tries it on. No way should you be considering this.

[Jux]

Thank you all. Your replies were very helpful.

To make things even easier, DH has just come down and said no, with no mention of barbed wire so he is definitely serious.

[AnyFucker]

Barbed wire ?

[Jux]

Yup. Agree with all your points, and plantsitter particularly. Thanks for putting it so well - I think that was my incoherent fear which I had not been able to articulate.

AF, whenever a sleepover woth a boy has been mooted in the last year or so, dh has talked about barbed wire round the bed, trip wires and so on.