Different gender 14 year olds sharing room on a sleepover

(37 Posts)
Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 01:57:38

Is this common? They are just friends and the boy is v interested in a different girl; dd is not interested in the boy, except as a friend. He has, apparently, often had sleepovers with girls in their group , sharing a room. Dd says her reputation will never recover if we make him sleep on the sofa.

I do believe that she has no interest in him, but dh says "he's a 14 yo boy! I know what they're like."

Katastrofee Mon 02-Sep-13 08:14:56

Have you asked her what reputation is that? I mean is the whole coolness about getting mum to accept she will share a room with a boy?
Is the boy collecting shared rooms ?

Auntfini Mon 02-Sep-13 08:18:56

Er... No way

Slainte Mon 02-Sep-13 08:22:15

My mum advised my aunt against this some years ago when my cousin wanted to do it. My aunt flipped on my mum saying she trusted her daughter etc etc. Cue a pregnant 14 year old cousin.

Don't want to scare you off but hormones are illogical and fickle in a young teenager.

Hate to break it to you, but if they are going to shag, they are going to shag, whether it be in her room, or a night time wander to the sofa grin

colditz Mon 02-Sep-13 08:26:10

No! God,no.

My friend had a mother who was "cool with it" and who felt vindicated when my friend got to eighteen without a pregnancy, unfortunately my friends younger sister was not so lucky, and was pregnant at fifteen by a boy who turned out to be a career criminal.

Katastrofee Mon 02-Sep-13 08:51:07

^ if they are going to shag, they are going to shag^

I think this is only true if you make yourself invisible and accommodating and let the particular kind of peer pressures to decide. I don't believe 14 years old can give consent. I think part of teaching self respect to a girl is to let her differentiate between her own needs and giving in to external pressures because she is trying to keep up or gain approval of particular types.

TheFallenNinja Mon 02-Sep-13 09:01:55

Nope 10:30pm, there's the door mate.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 09:11:29

You are not seriously considering this ?

Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 09:19:49

The reputation she has is that she's a bit old-fashioned, odd, studious with very strict old-fashioned parents.

I do think if they're going to shag, they'll find a way, and so far this summer there have been quite a few unsupervised beach parties, where anything could happen.

In fact, we're not particularly strict, and she has had a lot of freedom, but that's because we trust her. I do not know the boy well enough to say whether I trust him or not, and I know dd may feel she has something to prove to some of the bitchier girls in her year.

I don't know parents/families of any of her secondary school friends.

She had a hard time fitting in at school, was teased as 'posh' by some of tye noisier elements, and this last academic year is when she relaxed enough to become part of a group. She has got on well with this boy for most of her time in secondary, but they became close friends last year. They have always said they see each other as brother and sister.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 09:24:22

Jux, allowing a boy to sleepover in her room is NOT going to enhance her reputation in the eyes of her bitchier peers

isitsnowingyet Mon 02-Sep-13 09:29:23

Ermm, no.

runningonwillpower Mon 02-Sep-13 09:32:07

It's a tricky one.

It's one thing to let them share a room because you trust them and it's a platonic friendship. I know that my daughter would have been furious if I'd given her reason to think I didn't trust her. Trust can be its own burden and lack of it can, for some, be seen as justification for 'misbehaviour'.

But you would be setting a precedent. What if she meets a boy next week who is not a platonic friend? It would be rather difficult to then justify refusing to let them share the room. It's very hard to say, 'I didn't worry about you sleeping with that one but I do worry about you sleeping with this one'.

I've been in this position and I still don't know the straightforward answer. A long frank talk with your daughter is all I can suggest.

Parenting teenagers is a minefield. Good luck!

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 09:34:12

No, not acceptable. Not just the two of them, it might be different if there were a group.

If it goes ahead, it will be all over Facebook in the morning, with the boy being encouraged by his mates to tell all, and her being called all sorts of names.

Re the "if they are going to shag they will" suggestion, I've heard parents use this type of reasoning to justifying supplying alcohol to 14 year olds - "they are going to drink anyway, at least this way they are doing it in a house not a field".

But the point of teenagers is to push barriers, to sneak the odd drink, to find a field for a bit of experimentation. Our job as parents is to resist as long as possible [sigh]

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 09:35:19

In fact, it wouldn't (imo) be much different if it was a group.

I've banned mixed sleepovers, either here or elsewhere, for my kids between the ages of 12 and 17. It's easier to have a blanket ban.

<sighs more>

JohnnyUtah Mon 02-Sep-13 09:36:39

Why does he need to stay over, do you live rurally? Can't they just spend the day together, that's what I'd suggest with my 14 yo.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 02-Sep-13 09:37:20

If you don't know him well, then I would say YANBU to refuse.

My DD is 9 and one of her best friends is a boy who comes for sleepovers. I imagine I would probably trust them to share a room as young teens, but he is the son of some of our closest friends and we've known him since he was a newborn.

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 02-Sep-13 09:37:26

You are the adult & she is the child.

No is a complete sentence.

Bloody nightmare but raging hormones and all that ....no way.

They all do the eye-rolling " but EVERYONE else's mum lets them"

.....no they don't they are all wavering just like you honestly! grin

elastamum Mon 02-Sep-13 09:45:12

I wouldnt.

I have had mixed teen sleepovers and I make the girls sleep upstairs next to me and boys downstairs. And DEF no alcohol. They are still a nightmare, with teens rampaging all over the house and they NEVER go to bed.

I dont care what their friends think, 14yr olds dont have much judgement and if they dont like it then they dont have to stay.

plantsitter Mon 02-Sep-13 09:57:25

It's one thing if they shag because both of them have made the (most likely misguided) decision to do it.

It's another if your daughter finds she's sharing a room with a boy who suddenly realises he really does want to have sex with her, and because she's agreed to share a room and she doesn't want to look tight or whatever the current word is and wants a cooler reputation, she doesn't feel able to refuse and ends up having sex when she doesn't really want to, in a place that ought to be the safest in the world, with you asleep next door.

Don't put her in that position.

cory Mon 02-Sep-13 09:58:53

By saying no you are also making it easier for the parent whose next sleepover your dd attends to say no. So not only making life safer for your dd in your house, on this occasion, but generally.

Auntfini Mon 02-Sep-13 10:00:07

Why does he need to sleepover? I don't like the idea that he has a lot of sleepovers with different girls.
If you let him share her room you're putting her in a position of having to say no to him if he tries it on. No way should you be considering this.

Jux Mon 02-Sep-13 10:01:03

Thank you all. Your replies were very helpful.

To make things even easier, DH has just come down and said no, with no mention of barbed wire so he is definitely serious. grin

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 10:07:04

Barbed wire ?

Maryz Mon 02-Sep-13 10:10:00

Actually amongst all these very pertinent points, plantsitter has come up with the most important one.

And as the parent of the boy in this situation, I wouldn't be happy either, because it could theoretically happen in reverse at this age too.

The potential is there for them to have sex, for one or both of them to regret it, and it to turn into a really nasty he says/she says argument involving the entire friendship group.

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