Son gets older woman pregnant-Advice please

(102 Posts)
tassigirl Fri 23-Aug-13 09:48:05

Please I just don't know what to say to my 17yr old son who has gotten a 26yr old pregnant, he hasn't told me, but has told his father & sister, so he is worried Im going to blow my top, which Im not, but I also don't know what to say either. She isn't his girlfriend he is carefree with his lovelife as is she(having been with numerous of his friends). He is apparently going to do the 'right thing' whatever that is. He has no steady job. I just don't know what to say when deep down I think she is just a person who has decided its time for her to have a baby & my son was the choice. I truly believe that in this day and age that a woman that age there is no excuse for getting pregnant with all the contraception available. Not that I don't blame my son either, having supplied him a never ending supply of condoms ourselves with the mandatory lecture on using the dam things. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with him.. But were does that leave him, just a money source for the next 18yrs?? sad

HeySoulSister Fri 23-Aug-13 09:50:07

Oh I feel for you! 17 is so young and he has little idea what lies ahead.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 23-Aug-13 09:51:10

Jesus, a 26 year old grown woman shagging around with a bunch of 17 year old boys?

That is really grim.

I feel terribly sorry for your son.

scaevola Fri 23-Aug-13 09:57:04

Oh dear, what a mess.

You need to talk to him - perhaps you and his DF together - and make it clear that you'll support him, come what may.

At some stage you need to (gently) get him to go for STI checks, and if it is true that she has multiple partners, to suggest a DNA test.

But assuming that he is going to be a father, you need to prepare him for all that entails. Yes, he may have to pay maintenance in line with his income. But he needs to start thinking about his role in his child's life, and the relationship with the child's mother. Young parenthood is often difficult, but you can help him rises to the challenges.

5madthings Fri 23-Aug-13 09:59:19

they both shpuld have taken responsibility for their fertility. maybe they did and it didnt work, no contraception is 100%

unltimately the choice is now the womans.

good for your son he is willing to step up and be respinsible, even if they dont have a relationship together they can still co-parent together.

he is young but whats done is done. what is your son doing is he still in education/training? what were his plans for the future? his life will be different now and harder. good luck.

tywysogesgymraeg Fri 23-Aug-13 10:01:10

Is he sure the baby is his? If she is sleeping with all of his friends, is there any room for doubt?

It's great that he wants to "do the right thing", but has she actually asked for support from your son? If he has no steady job, he is only going to be able to help in a very limited way (at least at first) anyway. What were his plans before this? Is he in school/planning university, or is he looking for work?

I know it's his baby, and your grandchild, and would hate to be in this position myself - but would he be able to walk away, if the woman is not asking for support from him? I can't believe I suggested that, because I wouldn't be able to walk away from a grandchild of mine, but it's easier to be dispassionate when you're not directly involved, and it may be the best outcome for your son.

Does the woman definitely want the baby? Again, easy to be dispassionate, because I couldn't give up one of my babies, but if it really was a mistake, she might, for example, be up for you offering to adopt it or something.

Whatever - it's a horrible situation, for you and your son. I really feel for you.

GroupieGirl Fri 23-Aug-13 10:04:56

tywy are you suggesting that a father "walking away" from their child might be the best outcome ?!

Ridiculous.

SilverApples Fri 23-Aug-13 10:08:25

You need to get some facts before your son decides what to do.
He needs to get checked for any STI
Does she want the baby, or will she opt for abortion/adoption?
Is the baby his? (DNA test)
She doesn't want a relationship with him, will he be named on the birth certificate?
Does he want to be a part of his possible child's life, and what does he think 'doing the right thing' is?

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Fri 23-Aug-13 10:14:41

To say that there is no excuse for a woman of that age to get pregnant in this day and age is not going to go down well.
You can do everything correctly and sometimes things don't work.

If this is something that is going to bring her into your life and the lives of your family, then please don't say that to her.

What is done is done. The most important thing now is the baby. Your son needs to do everything he can to be a loving, supportive dad. You all need to try and accept this woman into your lives so there are no future issues and this child can grow up with his/her family around them.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:16:38

Oh God. This is the stuff of my nightmares. I have no advice you give - you are stuffed, he is stuffed. sad

I cannot do anything but say how sorry I am for you and for him. Honestly, don't you just want to box them about the ears sometimes? You tell them until you are blue in the face not to leave themselves vulnerable to the whims of someone else's decision that will change their life forever, and they just think they are invincible, or are too trusting that someone else is managing the BC on their behalf.

DuelingFanjo Fri 23-Aug-13 10:23:39

of course he should financially support a child he has created OP. Surely you wouldn't have it any other way? That your grandchild be treated as more than just an inconvenience?

DuelingFanjo Fri 23-Aug-13 10:24:02

oh and congratulations on becoming a grandparent.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:25:41

And I send my commiserations. this is not the way I would wish to become a GP, or the way I would wish my son to become a father. I'd be gutted. Absolutely gutted.

SilverApples Fri 23-Aug-13 10:28:01

I agree fell, my DS was shocked into realising the dangers when his friend ended up a father at 18, with a woman in her late twenties.
He's doing his best and involved heavily with his son, but when we meet him around town with his child, I can see the shudder go through DS. They aren't together as a couple, she wanted a baby and he was too stupid to use a condom when she told him she was on the pill.

orangepudding Fri 23-Aug-13 10:32:04

If she has been sleeping with others your son needs to insist on a DNA test. Can you fund this for him?

If he is the father then he needs to take responsibility.

nenevomito Fri 23-Aug-13 10:34:11

He's 50% responsible isn't he.

Old enough to have sex, old enough to know about using contraception.

I think she is just a person who has decided its time for her to have a baby & my son was the choice.

I suspect that your 17yo un-incomed son was not a choice for a father. More likely a shag with an unfortunate income.

Well here's a life lesson for him isn't it.

nenevomito Fri 23-Aug-13 10:34:26

outcome, not income.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Fri 23-Aug-13 10:35:42

Oh dear, did the condom split?

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 23-Aug-13 10:42:59

"You can do everything correctly and sometimes things don't work."

Sleeping with 17 year old boys when you are 26 is very far from "doing everything correctly".

JenaiMorris Fri 23-Aug-13 10:43:28

Well she sounds unhinged (sleeping with teenagers at her age, ffs) but it might not be all doom and gloom. It might even make your son buck his ideas up a bit. Obviously not the wake up call any of us would choose but still, every cloud...

Have you met her?

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 10:43:53

Do not wait for him to come to you. Speak to him! And do it soon.

Are you ashamed of him, angry with him, or what? You have no need to be, what's done is done, just help him.

Give him a hug and say you know what's happened and you are there to advise him and support them both.

Firstly, he should make sure that the woman actually is pregnant if possible.

He should go for an sti check obviously.

Then he will have to wait and see what the woman decides to do next. If she decides on a termination, he can support her emotionally. If she decides to go ahead and have the child he should have a DNA test.

Above all, keep talking, keep reassuring and help with practicalities. He's made a mistake but there is no need to blame anyone.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:50:31

To be honest, it doesn't really matter whether the condom split, or whether he wasn't using one (they would both have been equally culpable there) or whether he was told she was using BC and she lied, or whether she was using BC and it failed, or whether he just assumed she was using BC and she wasn't.

The end result is the same no matter what. She's PG and there is not a damned thing he can do about it. Even if he had been sensible, used a condom and it had split, he'd be no better off than he is now because he has no rights here at all, either way. No rights, only responsibilities. If the condom had split and he was aware of it at the time he would not even have been within his rights to insist that she took the MAP if she didn't want to. That's the position for men. It sucks. Roll on proper, reliable male contraceptive. It can't come soon enough.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:51:46

Nice post Fairenuff.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:52:22

I doubt she's ashamed or angry, just monumentally disappointed and scared for him.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 23-Aug-13 10:55:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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