Daughter and wife in physical fight - what to do?

(186 Posts)

My 13 yr old daughter is really pushing boundaries at the moment, all the usual smirking and cheeky answers etc. But today which was meant to be a family day began with her refusing to put her shoes on. It sounds silly but it just got more and more antagonistic.

I managed to make peace with her and she helped me in the garden for a an hour or so.

But before we went out an argument about clothes with her mother got so out of hand I had to physically step in and pull them apart as her mum was actually trying to throttle her.

They both said appalling things which neither really mean and they spent the rest of the afternoon apart, and things have calmed down now but U'm just so shaken and upset by what happened I just don't want anything like this to happen again...
sad

PeriodMath Thu 15-Aug-13 23:13:13

I grew up with a sister who terrorised our family from her teens onwards. An absolute horror, all family holidays and occasions were ruined by her terrible (at times violent) strops and moods. I really resented how my parents never pulled her in line, allowed her to say and do anything and told the rest of us to ignore her, rise about it - my dad's mantra.

It takes its toll on other DCs you know.

Weirdly, my sister is now incredibly close to them, spends vast amounts of time with them despite pushing 40, living a couple of hours drive away and having a husband. It's guilt. And they lap it up.

My parents are great people but their failure to deal with my sister's behaviour growing up is something that still troubles me, 20 yrs on. I will never allow a child of mine to rule the roost like that. Never.

Your wife must have been pushed to her very limits. She knows she shouldn't have got physical. Don't make her the baddie. Don't side with your daughter. Tackle what led up to it. Fix your daughter, not your wife.

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:13:55

also has this happened before? if it hasn't your wife could be feeling so gutted right now and will need your support as well as your dd

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:16:14

yes your wife is totally in the wrong but also teenage girls push and push and push. the amount of times i pushed my mum to the point of hurting me.

That sort of victim mentality is exactly what the OP needs to avoid his DD feeling and carrying through life.

NO-ONE pushes someone to the point of hurting them....especially not a child.

As adults we are all responsible for our behaviour and no matter how much our kids push and push...we do NOT hurt them.

If your DP hurt you huffle would you blame yourself then too because you 'pushed him into it'? sad

And to answer your question...damn right I'd say the same if it was a boy because I'm Mother to 3 of them!

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 15-Aug-13 23:18:54

Periodmath , would your answer be the same if the girl's father had throttled her?

Your post has made me so fucking angry I can't even muster a decent reply.

And hufflebottom , yes, my response would be the same if the child was a boy. Anyone who laid a hand on one of my darling sons would never sleep under my roof again.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:21:01

Your wife must have been pushed to her very limits. She knows she shouldn't have got physical. Don't make her the baddie. Don't side with your daughter. Tackle what led up to it. Fix your daughter, not your wife.

Don't make her the 'baddie'???

Errr...she throttled her own child FFS.

'Fix the daughter' and don't side with her?

Yeah right...perhaps the OP should just give her a slap to keep her in line?

After all violence seems to be what you're excusing here hmm

In this situation you 'fix' the person who chose to have children, and who 'sees red and can't be reasoned with' when dealing with her child being difficult.

But what you don't do is blame the victim and excuse the abuser.

I genuinely can't believe what I'm reading here.

This girl will be 'wife beating fodder' before she's 18 if the OP takes that attitude.

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 15-Aug-13 23:22:07

She should be feeling gutted! And no she doesn't deserve support. She deserves the shock of her fucking life- which if she's in any way a decent human being she will get if it is pointed out to her that she could have killed her daughter.

The DV apologists seem to be popping up now sad

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:26:43

so you're going to tell me you've never got to that point where you want to snap? you must be a saint, i know of a fair few parents that have felt like they are going to snap.

it's not victim mentality it's the realisation of having a dd myself and now realising that it can be a challenge especially if there is underlying issues as the op said.

at the age of 13 dd is responsible for her behaviour, so what ever she was doing must have been wrong to, and she must have known she was doing it.

asking if my dp would hurt me would i blame myself? probably not, but seeing as i've never been in that position i honestly can't answer that.

i agree with what period wrote to some extent but both mother and daughter need to be sat down.

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:29:33

i am not a dv apologist!

she does deserve support as does the dd, and you don't know how op's wife is feeling. she is probably very aware that she could have killed her daughter.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:29:36

I think she does deserve help and support as she appears to have a mental health issue.

But I really think she should remove herself from the home until she receives treatment for it.

Pushing the boundaries is normal for teenagers

Being throttled by their parent is not.

I agree Yoni the victim blaming and the DV apologists are making me quite angry.

'Fixing the daughter'- my arse.

'Pushing your parent into hurting you'- my arse.

People (whether male or female) who grow up believing it's their fault that someone chose to hurt them, are on a road to being a victim for the rest of their sad lives.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:33:42

so you're going to tell me you've never got to that point where you want to snap? you must be a saint, i know of a fair few parents that have felt like they are going to snap.

No I'm not going to tell you that.

I'm going to tell you that as the parent of a 21yr old, a 14 year old and a 10yr old there have been plenty of times I've wanted to snap.

But I have never and nor would I ever be violent towards them because I am an adult who is responsible for my own behaviour.

at the age of 13 dd is responsible for her behaviour, so what ever she was doing must have been wrong to, and she must have known she was doing it.

And as for that 'nice' piece of victim blaming ^^ I'm not even going to dignify it with an answer or I'll probably get banned angry

She.Is.A.Child for fuck sake.

They push boundaries but throttling them is never excusable.

Do you always blame abuse victims, just out of interest?

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 15-Aug-13 23:34:15

Hufflebottom, we all feel like we might lose it sometimes. On the whole, we step away without throttling our children.

I think you need to take off your rose tinted spectacles and accept that you were abused by your mother. Instead of making excuses to treat your own daughter in the same way.

I'm bowing out now as this thread is making me angry. A 13 year old is a child who should be protected, not physically abused by her parents. Please do the right thing OP.

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:35:52

why should she be removed from the home? that is likely to cause more damage.

she's just a human being. she can't be a saint all day everyday.

no way in any of tis has people been victim blaming we've been realistic in the fact that the teenage dd should have some common sense in how far to push, as well as the mother knowing she can't hurt anyone.

and no people who grow up believing it's their fault are not on a road to being a victim. i don't know why people feel their lives are so perfect.

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:39:52

no i don't blame abuse vicitims.

how dare you insinuate that i treat my daughter the same way i was treated.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:41:48

Oh hufflebottom I've just deleted a personal attack on you because you're making me so angry.

She could have killed her daughter

THATS why she needs to be removed from the home

YOU are a victim and with every post you are sounding more and more like one sad

Victims often excuse their abusers...just as you are doing now.

But hopefully this child won't have to live with this abuse any more as she appears to have a caring Dad, who is hopefully going to protect her.

Not abusing and attacking children doesn't make a parent 'perfect'...it just makes them normal.

I hope you get the help you need to see that thanks

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 15-Aug-13 23:42:01

Hufflebottom, if you read in the news that someone has been murdered, do you say that they should have known not to push the murderer so far?

cory Thu 15-Aug-13 23:43:32

Yes, I have felt that I wanted to snap and throttle my daughter.

I have also on occasion felt I wanted to snap and throttle my boss or a colleague or dc's headteacher.

But I don't think the law would have taken the view that they were equally to blame because they were old enough to know what they were doing in provoking me.

Somehow when it is another adult, particularly one in a position of authority, most people manage to put up with almost any level of offensiveness rather than go for the throat.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:44:13

And no-one here has insinuated anything about your DD

To my knowledge you haven't even said whether you're a parent or not...although I might have missed a post.

But you are very much blaming the 13 year old victim here who has been abused by her mother.

Just read back, it's all there.

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 15-Aug-13 23:45:08

I'm not insinuating anything, I'm bloody well saying it to your face. You claim that you 'pushed' your mother into hurting you. You seem to bee justifying her physical abuse of you. If it's all so justifiable, why on earth wouldn't you do the same to your daughter?

Come on, answer that! Is it OK, or isn't it?

cory Thu 15-Aug-13 23:45:57

"she's just a human being. she can't be a saint all day everyday. "

if the alternative means risking killing her daughter, then yes she can

doesn't make you a saint, actually, just an ordinary law abiding citizen

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:46:45

i am not excusing my parents. lots of parents could have killed their children but haven't

i'm not doubting anything you have said but the teenage daughter needs to be spoken to about her behaviour too. no child (as you keep putting it) should never push their parents to do that.

depends on the situation of the murder. if you want the honest answer

hufflebottom Thu 15-Aug-13 23:48:01

because i have an entirely different approach to parenting. as i'm sure you do from your parents.

cory Thu 15-Aug-13 23:49:40

You speak as if parents were perfectly helpless people who had no responsibility for their own actions but were just puppets in their hands of their children, hufflebottom.

Do you think these same adults are equally helpless when confronted by other adults: so that they just couldn't help attacking their boss or the unhelpful receptionist at the surgery if they were not careful not to provoke them?

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:50:23

i am not excusing my parents. lots of parents could have killed their children but haven't

You excused the abuse at the hands of your Mother by saying you pushed her into it.

NO you didn't.

She was supposed to protect you...not abuse you.

Yes, kids push the boundaries and of course the OP's child should be spoken to about her behaviour.

But her abuser needs to be removed from the house until she learns to deal with her behaviour...without abusing her.

babyboomersrock Thu 15-Aug-13 23:50:49

why should she be removed from the home? that is likely to cause more damage.

she's just a human being. she can't be a saint all day everyday

No-one expects her to be a saint. Refraining from attacking your child is hardly being a saint, is it?

hufflebottom, you need help. Honestly.

And OP - please don't let your daughter end up thinking this is her fault.

WorraLiberty England Thu 15-Aug-13 23:51:08

no child (as you keep putting it) should never push their parents to do that.

OMFG again with the victim blaming angry

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