Thanks for all your comments - I know you are right. She is always telling me how hard done by she is and sometimes I wonder if she is - her bad behaviour/ lack of treats ends up in a vicious cycle. We go on wednesday but I can offer her some washing up and tidying chores while we ate there so she can make some money. I just wish we could fast forward this bit to the time where she settles down and we get on! Social worker is on long term sick and has only met her twice sadly.
I totally, totally see where you are coming from wanting to give her money, to minimise your pain, but I also think she needs really firm boundaries.
In a couple of years time, she will look back and realise how lucky she was even to go on holiday. She will remember the love and commitment you showed her, not how much spending money she had.
She also needs to learn the value of money. I would give her the opportunity to earn more, while she's on holiday, but sit her down and tell her she's damn lucky you are giving her the opportunity to do this, and not the others.
I wouldn't give her a penny. And I'd seriously consider leaving her at home. Foster children with bad childhoods don't always need pampering. They need love and care, yes, but they also need boundaries. She made you cry every day. She said she's sick of you, but she still wants your money. Is there a social worker you can turn to for support?
All kids need to learn that money is a finite resource. You can't waste it all one day and be given loads more the next. That's just not how the world works (sadly!)
I agree with giving her the chance to earn more, sit down together and make a plan of chores and behaviour to earn x amount. Can you suggest you will keep this and give it to her on holiday or will that set her off?
To be fair to her she is my foster daughter and had a terrible time as a child - a lot of her anger is about her past. But it's still hard to live with! I just hope it will pass. I am concerned that I might be letting my upset from last year cloud my judgement now. I am also mindful that she only has a couple more years of family holidays, and life will be considerably tougher for her as an adult. I want her to have a good time both for her memories and aspirations. I just don't know whether giving her some bonus money is the way to go. My 2 birth teens and other foster child wouldn't be bothered or feel hard done to, they are quite happy with their own situation.
She does sound hard work. It seems a shame that she has to be paid to bring your washing in if it rains and even then doesn't do it and screams at you. I really hope you manage to have a nice holiday as it sounds like you deserve one.
(sigh) I used to give her lots of money earning possibilities, but she never did anything - I have a cleaner now so the chore possibilities are limited. I offered her money to bring my washing in if it rained today. I got back from town and she was sitting watching the tv while the washing was getting drenched and when I said ' I thought you were going to bring it in' she screamed at me that she was sick of me. It's not necessarily that I feel sorry for her, more that I don't want her to ruin the holiday - she made me cry every day last year ( in Florida ) and I want a nice time this year.
Theres nothing wrong with giving kids holiday spending money (not even if theyve been horrible) but I dont think you can fairly give holiday money to one without giving it to the others too. Giving your DD extra money she hasnt earned because you feel sorry for her will probably have the opposite effect to the one you want, making her more unpleasant not less.
As dasiychicken says, can you give her the chance to earn some more? But not through being non-aggressive, only through doing something useful and practical. Can she clean the house from top to bottom, clean the car, shampoo the carpets, dig the garden .? Could you say to her, well theres still time, if you work really hard for however-long you can still make however-much, I know you can do it, you are so determined when you set your mind to things etc etc (doesnt matter if you believe it, just sound as if you do!)
Part of me would say 'tough luck' as you had reminded/warned her but I do see that you wouldn't want her to not enjoy her holiday.. when do you go? Can you give her the opportunity to earn a little bit more (but not the same amount as the others) before then?
My teen (15) is currently having a tantrum over the fact she only has £14 holiday money saved. I have been gently reminding her for months about the need to save, and over the holiday she had the opportunity to make £24 a week in pocket money and bonuses for not being aggressive. Part of me wants to give her some money, but part of me really doesn't want to- she is lazy, rude and unpleasant a lot of the time. But I want her to enjoy the holiday - and I am always looking to build our relationship up ( though not via bribery). The others all have about £100 from saving pocket money, jobs etc.