DD (14) dating boy (15) who has had sex with a 13 year old

(33 Posts)
thefattwins Wed 31-Jul-13 18:21:14

...who is/ was a friend of DD's.

She says that she wouldn't sleep with him, and I believe her. But I'm trying to explain that the fact he had sex with the 13 year old (who he knew liked him a lot, but he didn't feel the same way about her) doesn't make him a very nice person.

She says it's the girl's fault for being "easy" - which is an opinion that disappoints me.

What can I say? Or, do I just back off and wait to pick up the pieces?

mrsmobbs Wed 31-Jul-13 19:37:39

I have a ds of 14 and these things are worrying aren't they. He says that some of the girls in his year brag about sex, as do the boys. You know your dd and will know whether to believe her. The problem is that if this boy has experience will he try to put pressure on your dd, I am sure you have explained that he might do this, and not to give in to him. I really sympathise with you as I am dreading the dating side of things, luckily my ds is more into cricket and rowing than girls. I am sure that will soon change. Good luck to you both

OhSoVintage Wed 31-Jul-13 23:14:27

I'm not sure there's a lot you can do sadly especially if they are at school together except advise her and warn her and then have faith that she will be sensible ( easily said I know, it's not an easy situation)
BUT even is she isn't planning on it make she she is protected and well aware of the option available to her.

lljkk Thu 01-Aug-13 07:08:23

Ugh, well depending on MN thinking, he's still a vulnerable "child" himself so not responsible, anyway.
My first thought is that if he's had sex then he'll expect that again as a normal part of the relationship. He won't want to settle for less. So I would try to keep communications open with her, discussing why it's probably* a terrible idea for her to go that far just yet, and why she always has the right to stand up for herself & say no. If he pressures then he is a git and she deserves someone who respects her more.

*Obviously a bad idea in my mind, but pointless to insist that she thinks that way.

specialsubject Thu 01-Aug-13 11:14:28

if she thinks the other girl is 'easy' then remind her that people may say the same about her, whether she has sex with him or not -teens lie. He may even by lying about having sex with the other child.

how you address her attitude that a girl is 'easy' is a whole different problem.

might also be worth reminding her that the age of consent is 16 for a reason.

good luck.

livinginwonderland Thu 01-Aug-13 11:29:17

I know it's an unpopular opinion and yes, I know it's illegal, but just because a 15 year old has slept with a 13 year old, it doesn't mean he's a bad or horrible person. They could be a year apart in school, and if your DD is 14, it sounds like maybe she's 13/nearly 14 and he's just turned 15.

I'm not saying it's right, but it's also unfair to judge this boy on that alone. He's not a bad person for having underage sex. It's something that isn't ideal, but happens every day. Keep the communication open with your daughter and remind her that it's not nice to call other people easy!

Bowlersarm Thu 01-Aug-13 11:35:52

An underage boy having sex with an underage girl does not make him a bad person!

All you can do is be open and honest with your dd about why it is not a good idea at her age. Keep the line of communication always open.

Then trust her.

thefattwins Thu 01-Aug-13 18:35:47

Thanks guys, that's all really useful. I don't think having sex with he makes him a bad person, it's the fact he knew she really liked him but didn't feel the same. He used he for sex and I pointed out that the same could happen to her.
It's hard to get the message across that boys may lie to her to get sex when her stand point at the moment is that she wouldn't do it.

Just to clarify, the three of them are consecutively in year 8, 9, and 10. Goin in to the next year.

livinginwonderland Fri 02-Aug-13 06:29:38

It is hard - I totally understand that! You sound like a very caring mum - make sure your daughter knows she can come and talk to you and keep the lines of communication open. Try not to criticise this guys actions too much (to her face, anyway) - his hormones will be all over the place and it can be really hard at that age to judge the difference between love and lust, feelings and hormones.

If your daughter is smart and sensible, she should be fine. Good luck! smile

Cuddleczar Fri 02-Aug-13 08:01:10

One thing it is worth warning your dd about: if they are at school together and the relationship goes wrong in the future, they find themselves in a very difficult position. My 14 yo DD had a very intense relationship with a boy in her year, which lasted 9 months, and when he broke it off (she suspects now that was because she would not do certain things with him) things turned very sour for her at school. He had spread rumours about his previous GF and started spreading rumours about my DD also. (The rumours were that she had done this act that she had refused to do.) I believe it's called slut-shaming. She has found it very difficult to get over him and now says she would never have a BF from the same school. I went to an all girls school, and even the idea of bumping into an old BF in town used to make me shudder so what it is like for her, seeing him every day with his new GF, including in some lessons, I can't imagine. I would have strongly advised her against it if I had realised. And your DD, thefattwins, will come under pressure to do the same as his previous GF. Gotta be realistic though--I am sure my dd would have gone ahead with the relationship even if I had advised her not to. And I agree with you Livinginwonderland, the fact that this boy slept with his underage GF does not make him automatically bad. I personally know a couple who met at school, were having sex by 15, possibly younger, and went on to get married and have two children (now in their late 40s and still together!).

bamboostalks Fri 02-Aug-13 08:07:21

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of. He will certainly be pressuring her or sex and she will capitulate in the end. What she tells you is neither her or there. We've all told our parents what they want to hear.

lljkk Fri 02-Aug-13 08:41:58

If you reckon that OP's DD will just tell her mother what mother wants to hear, Then won't OP's DD say "Yes mom, I'm not dating him any more" and then go off with him secretly & then have one less adult to talk to if he is pressuring her? Exactly as you expect, but with worse outcomes? I can't see that putting a ban on the lad is going to make things better unless OP wants to chaperone her Dd everywhere for next 6-12 months.

Bowlersarm Fri 02-Aug-13 09:25:24

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of

Really don't think that's a good idea.

OP: DD you are not to date this boy. That is my final word.
DD: (meekly) oh ok then DM

In the meantime out of bound 15 year old boy becomes more attractive than ever, and now op's dd has to be sneaky about seeing him and OP has no control over the situation at all as dd can't talk to her about it.

Bowlersarm Fri 02-Aug-13 09:26:50

Oh sorry lljkk just repeated what you have already said!

livinginwonderland Fri 02-Aug-13 10:51:57

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of.

Very silly idea. You can't stop your kids dating people, especially when they're at school together! Best thing to do is give advice, be as accepting/supportive as possible, then stand back, and be prepared to be a shoulder to cry on when/if it all goes wrong.

lljkk Fri 02-Aug-13 11:28:26

Sometimes on MN I think it gets really obvious who has older vs. younger children. I can almost strictly control who my 4yo socialises with. But a 14yo...

chocoluvva Fri 02-Aug-13 12:18:21

I'd encourage your DD to bring her BF round for dinner so you can get to know him and she can see how he is with adults (which can have the effect of 'unglamourising' a teenage BF). He might not seem so cool when he's sitting at your table engaging in polite conversation! If you know him you will also be able to give relevant advice - if asked for.

Use any opportunity, eg 'Made in Chelsea', Eastenders etc to raise the topic of relationships and demonstrate your sympathy for the promiscuous characters who use sex/sexy clothes etc to try to bolster their self-esteem or whatever IYSWIM. If she knows that you don't disapprove of underage sex where both people involved feel ready and are doing it only because they both want to, then she won't have sex as a way of teenage rebellion.

Try to make your DD feel good enough about herself that she will be less influenced by the attitudes of her peers/BF and less likely to have sex before she's ready.

Encourage/support her to spend time with her friends and offer her fun things to do with you/the rest of the family so that she continues to have a good social life/support system and is hopefully less likely to want to spend too much time with just her BF.

I sympathise with you - it's a very difficult situation. Hopefully the relationship won't last very long or get too intense. Keep her busy doing her own things and keep bolstering her own sense of worth.

OctopusPete8 Fri 02-Aug-13 12:20:59

I think a 15/13 is much, much less of a worry than 15/ and someone in there 20's

teen girls are more mature than boys so emotional could have been on a similar level.

thefattwins Sun 04-Aug-13 09:28:32

I agree less worrying but 13 is no where near old enough to consent. Although I concede that she is probably more mature than him wink

So, she wanted to invite him round here yesterday while we were out and it opened a conversation about rules. We said she wasn't to have him here while we were out, she accused us of not trusting her, we explained that it wasn't that we didn't but that we didn't want her in a difficult position that would be hard for her to deal with. She didn't argue as much as we thought she would and agreed to meet him in town... When she told him the new plan he was mysteriously not available for the day after all hmm

We said he was always welcome here and that us being here wasn't an exercise in making her feel uncomfortable but that we had to be responsible and that it would be nice to get to know him a bit. I'm sure she doesn't think so at all but we are fairly "cool" parents. She actually ended up joking about how if he met her dad he'd probably end up coming round to see him rather than her! I should point out btw that I am her stepmum. Which can mean she is more honest with me in a "special auntie" kind of way so I want to keep that line open. We've had her here from a very little age.

Thanks for all the advice. I shall be back on "teenagers" soon I think confused

chocoluvva Sun 04-Aug-13 09:37:22

Hopefully it won't last long - always worth bearing in mind.....

My DD and I agreed a code word that she could use on the phone/text when she was with her BF(or in any difficult situation for that matter) if she ever wanted to come home immediately or just didn't want him to know that she was contacting us. Not much help, but better than nothing.

thefattwins Sun 04-Aug-13 15:37:22

That's not a bad idea. I also told her she should always tell him that she's got no idea when we might be back!

OctopusPete8 Mon 05-Aug-13 12:13:45

My mum never let me and my bf stay over , "because it ruins the fun of sneaking around" confused strangest rule ever, I was bloody 18!

But at 13 had I said that to my mum, she'd have said,

"No, I don't trust you, I know what teens are like!" hmm

Bambi27 Mon 05-Aug-13 12:22:20

Personally I think if she is dating this boy and would like him round your house when you're not there then the likelyhood is she is thinking of having sec with him. Not ideal but I think that's the case. Obviously you know your daughter better but I know I was close to my mum growing up but would still lie through my teeth so she heard what I thought she wanted to...anyway because of this I would perhaps think about birth control. Sex in itself is not ideal at her age and will cause emotional upset I'm sure but added to that teen pregnancy...

cantdoalgebra Mon 05-Aug-13 12:24:59

14 is far too young for anyone to be dating. Do not "invite him round to dinner" or do anything else that facilitates this relationship if you do not approve - clearly you do not, otherwise you would not be writing about it on MN.

Bambi27 Mon 05-Aug-13 13:17:31

Can'tdoalgerbra...surely by doing that she will just push her daughter closer to him? My dh parents were very much against me and never let me stay over etc. (we were 19/20 at the time) instead of hindering out relationship it just made us more determined and we moved out much earlier than we would have if they'd have been supportive. I realise I was a lot older but even so being very negative isn't helpful will just ruin a parents relationship with their child rather than their child's relationship iyswim

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