Don't get into arguments with her if at all possible and don't nag. She'll learn what the consequences of her behaviour are.
Tell her you're going out now for a while so you don't have to see her/get annoyed by her unreasonable behaviour. Hopefully she'll look in her room when you're out and if she doesn't then she will have to suffer the consequences of not having her bra etc. It won't hurt her if she have doesn't it. It will inconvenience her but that's her own fault.
As soon as you get the opportunity comment positively on ANYTHING she says or does that deserves it.
Try not to express your hurt/anger/frustration but try to be calmly matter of fact and leave it at that. It sounds like she just won't want to do anything if you're told her to. If she feels she's making her own choices, not being 'pressured' (even though she probably isn't) she'll hopefully begin to be more pleasant and make better choices about how she spends her time.
Yes, I have pointed out that the room is in MY house but she comes back at me saying it's MY room..etc etc..to which I can reply but you don't pay the mortgage and it just ends up ..again..as an argument and words batting back and forth. She pays her phone with the pocket money we give her..and yes think I will have to clamp down on that and ensure perhaps she does a bit towards earning it. I think the trouble is she is so aggressive and the discussions and arguments escalate enormously and we are so tired of it all we don't discuss and just I suppose let her get away with it. Stupid I know. I have done consequences but she doesn't seem to bother if she loses money ("see if I care") the only thing which works is phone/I pad. I did confiscate her phone for 24 hours after the lying however. You just feel so alone as a parent at times though, esp if they are being so hateful
Thank you, and I feel stupid writing this post cos I actually work with teenagers with varying behaviour difficulties etc but it's different when it's your own. Is it normal to not want to be with your family at all? (which is what I find upsetting) At times (few) we do get on but then she'll flare up and be horrid. And yes, I am comparing her to her sisters I guess, but I wonder what I have done differently with her for her to be so aggressive and argumentative and horrid..and for her not to want to be with us at all and to rather sit in front of a screen for hours. Incidentally, I have noticed her behaviour is worse when she does a lot of this...but how can I prevent her when she is in her room..and she is 16 when all's said and done? (I do turn the internet off at 9.30 mostly, and phones outside rooms in the night) My husband says I spoil her more (youngest and I work more so a little more cash around..but not unreasonabley so..she pays for her own phone contract etc) and she causes trouble between us as he finds her behaviour difficult and I feel he simply does not like her because of it. With her being in her room all the time..I feel she never will learn how to socialise and be with people if she does that. She does have friends, but not close ones, and she never brings them home (from senior school age says she wouldn't know what to do with them (insecure?) and has been let down by so called friends.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time but a lot of what you're describing sounds par for the course to me. You make a lot of comparisons to her sisters in your post and blame her for a lot of things 'she causes trouble between us' 'her older sister would rather move out than live with her'. Maybe she feels like she gets the blame for everything? And as for 'she annoyed her 21 year old sister who said she was texting too much' well, younger sisters do annoy their older siblings - if it wasn't that it'd be something else. I wouldn't place too much emphasis on what her older sisters say about her. I'd be working on my relationship with her. Perhaps a good place to start would be by changing your mindset because it's easy to fall into a pattern where you think negatively of her and she rejects you/acts up even more. I'm not saying let her get away with things - I wouldn't tolerate rudeness and I would be limiting screen time. As far as getting a job goes, it sounds like she does want to get one and at least she has given her cv to a couple of places. It doesn't matter if it was at your suggestion, at least she has done it. The comment about 'wanting to get a job so she can get away from you' sounds like a retort/retaliation and again, sounds perfectly normal. Try and look at the positive things she has done and focus on them and take it one step at a time (it won't last forever and you can get by with damage limitation until it passes!)
YD is sitting downstairs in front of tv, it's 11.25 am, she is going away tomorrow morning at 4am (yes, I DO have to take her to the tour bus then) with her band group abroad, a trip WE have paid for, and for which she prob expects spending money for from US. She can't find some of the stuff she needs (strapless bra etc..not surprised considering the state of her room ) and thinks I should go with her to buy new ones out of my money...but I'm not allowed in her room to see if I can find said bras etc. She is whining about getting a job and got annoyed when I told her to look for one she could get to under her own steam/bus etc without me having to take and pick her up all the time. So far, she has done very little about getting one apart from dropping off a three cvs at my suggestion at a couple of shops I knew were losing weekend staff (to university) She thinks I know NOTHIN, partic about getting a job and that I'm talking out my b*m when I told her to phone round ("Well I've looked on line and there's nothing so it's pointless.") despite the fact her elder sister did exactly that and got a job, even though none were showing on the place's website. In fact I see little of YD, she sits in her room on her I pad or phone and interacts with us very little...except when she wants something. In fact she is on her mobile texting so much she even got on her 21 year old sister's nerves on holiday who said she texted way too much. I caught her out lying the other day about where she was going and who with (don't know why she lied, would have been ok with me re the place and people)cos her dad saw her whilst he was out with the dog and to be honest don't trust her that much (history) although I try to. She causes endless arguments and is aggressive and flares up very easily. Says she wants a job so she can be out of the house and away from us which I found very upsetting. Her elder sister has left home mostly (term time) even though she could live at home, she would rather pay and live out as she finds her younger sister very difficult to live with.
Please please help, I don't know what to do and feel we are falling apart. The last few years have been the worst in my life due to her and her behaviour as she gets to me and upsets me so much. She causes trouble between us and I feel that in general I am so much less happy than I used to be and it upsets me that she is so rejecting etc..my other two daughters weren't, and the eldest was a handful at times