Teenage girls' friendship issues...I know, I know!

(7 Posts)
MaryRose Wed 17-Jul-13 10:12:54

I am soooooo sick of all the drama!!! DD12 has a good set of friends both in and out of school but there is always drama, falling out etc (yes I know this is normal!) but most of it centres around one 'best' friend who just seems to want to create all the time! The 'best' friend is continually changing friends all the time, posting stuff on Facebook about her new best friend and having different girls over every night and my DD just accepts it even though it upsets and annoys her I know. Last night DD was invited to a family BBQ with another friend, cue massive sulk from 'best' friend, 'I've been crying to my mum, you never asked me to come out, seeing the photos of you with XXXXX on Facebook broke my heart, you have to choose between me an XXXX etc'!!!!! blah blah blah all this despite the fact that DD's 'best' friend was not in school yesterday anyway and was meant to be ill AND she had different friends over Sunday and Monday and DD never kicked up a fuss. If DD does something with another friend she posts on Facebook about how she needs a new best friend because hers has 'gone' etc etc. DD just ends up smoothing things over with this friend and pacifying her every time but to me it's utterly ridiculous and emotional blackmail really and I just wish that DD would see that this 'best' friend is a pain in the arse and spend some time with some of her other friends who are lovely and much less dramatic! Any advice on how to encourage her to do this? (gently and subtly!)

monikar Wed 17-Jul-13 10:39:07

In my experience with DD 17 their friendship groups at this age tend to change very rapidly. In years 7/8 many of them carry on as though they are still at junior school and the constant bitching and moaning never stops. I found with my DD that when she hit year 10 it all settled down somewhat into slightly more mature relationships with other girls, but I appreciate this is a while off for you yet.

It must be very frustrating when your DD constantly appeases the 'queen bee'. In time your DD will see that the queen bee is a manipulator but you want her to see it now.

The way I got round this was to try and get my DD to understand and recognise how she herself felt when she was being controlled by these types of girl. So when DD complained about an incident that had happened, rather than say 'who does she think she is, stand up for yourself, don't be such a wimp etc.' I asked her 'why do you think she is doing that, do you think it is because she is insecure, how do you feel when you are allowing her to dictate to you'. Discussions like this might accelerate the day when your DD sees this girl for what she is. She has to come to this realisation herself for this to work though, no amount of input from you will have the desired effect from my experience. Once my DD had realised that girls like this are just manipulating for their own gain, she had a lot less patience with them.

Would DD consider doing a few things over the summer holidays with some of her other friends? My DD would organise some of these things when the queen bee was on holiday etc. - it helped to cement her relationships with the other girls.

I do understand your frustration, it is so hard when they are this age. Good luck, hope that helps a little.

MaryRose Wed 17-Jul-13 10:57:23

Thanks monikar. We've already discussed the fact that this friend is probably needy, insecure etc and DD gets that but it makes her want to be more loyal even when the friend is taking the p***!! We've even had the mother messaging my DD in the past telling her she was 'just using' the Queen Bee just because she went shopping with another friend. I put a stop to that! I think she will tire of the drama eventually. I'm going to encourage her to see other friends in the holidays - in fact she has asked if another girl can sleepover next week (cue more drama from Queen Bee!) The problem is aggravated by the fact that DD does quite a lot of stuff out of school and has other groups of friends whereas QB doesn't really do anything but expects DD to be immediately available when she wants her. Also QB has been skipping school a lot recently and DD doesn't like it, hates that she is constantly skiving and thinks she should sort herself out and get to school, so that might speed up the process of withdrawing a bit from her. I just wish DD could see it is nothing about her and everything about this other girl. She's not seen other friends in the past because QB has kicked up a fuss and I just hope she won't lose friends because of it sad

SanityClause Wed 17-Jul-13 11:04:22

Your DD is not too old for this book.

It has been really helpful to DD2, who is also 12, although we originally got it when she was about 10.

She has recognised a lot of her "best friend's" behaviour in it, which has helped her a lot.

Do encourage her to have lots of friendships (which I see you are doing) as, if/when she falls out with QB, she needs to have other friends to rely on.

MaryRose Wed 17-Jul-13 11:10:55

Thanks for the recommendation SanityClause. I did give her a copy of Queen Bees and Wannabees but I don't think she ever waded through it -I found it brilliant though

alispu Wed 17-Jul-13 12:33:14

Totally agree with all your points. I have DD13 and teach 16-19 so understand where you are coming from - great advice!!

bigTillyMint Thu 18-Jul-13 15:14:51

MaryRose, has had her first taste of girls friendship groups fallouts this this year - she is in Y9. Horrid.

She has always had lovely friends (and still has - just others trying it on), and I genuinely don't remember being involved in any horrid-girl stuff in school, so I got a copy of Queen Bees and found it really useful for my own understanding.

However, after a chat last night, she has agreed that she needs to toughen up and take less shit from those that think they can dish it out!

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