Life for the next year with 16yo DS - advice and inspiration please

(15 Posts)
CuttedUpPear Mon 15-Jul-13 00:36:49

I posted on these boards last year when I was deciding whether to make DS go back to school for his GCSE year. This was my thread.

I got a lot of support and some good advice. In the end I kept him away and tried to home ed him. DS was much happier away from the school environment. The school offered to recommend him to the PRS who finally started giving him lessons in January. He had an amazing teacher and with her help and lots of pushing from me at home, he sat his English and Maths exams last month.

DS has been offered a college place (almost unconditional, but getting his Maths will help) to learn a trade, starting in September. We live rurally and I'll have to drive him there 3 days a week, and maybe home as well - it's a 90 minute round trip. But it suits him well and I think he will enjoy it.

Being self employed, this will affect my availability for work. Not only that but already I don't get much time to see my DP who lives 50 mins in the opposite direction.

DS is a loner - although he has some friends online, he's never met any of them and he prefers the company of me to anyone else and positively avoids his own age group. My work takes me away overnight often, sometimes for a few days at a time. DS prefers to stay at home with his computer and the dog, although he usually has the option of coming with me.

I always feel terribly guilty about leaving him although we have good neighbours and friends who pop in, and I talk to DS every day when I'm away.

My concern is how to get through the next year. DS is a grumpy soul when things don't go his way and he is not always a delight to live with. It can be very draining.
DP is quite laid back but non committal, and I'm finding our relationship unsatisfactory as it seems to be going nowhere.

I feel really cut off by my situation and I'm itching to shake loose, travel, get a new life. I know this is selfish of me but I find the thought of the next year really difficult.

exoticfruits Mon 15-Jul-13 06:36:34

Is it a one year course?
I would be inclined to grit your teeth, get him there and once he is working you can get your freedom- change your life and ditch your DP.

exoticfruits Mon 15-Jul-13 06:37:16

What would he do if he didn't do the course?

CuttedUpPear Mon 15-Jul-13 09:09:34

Yes it's a one year course. Gritting my teeth is how I have been looking at the next year. But I am thinking that that isn't a very positive outlook and I'm trying to find a better way through it.

Living on my own with DS and spending my days taxing him back and forth isn't the most inspiring of prospects - I realise that sounds horrible. I really love him and want the best for him but it's not enough company for me.

If DS didn't do the course he would play on the computer 16 hrs a day!

exoticfruits Mon 15-Jul-13 09:29:39

I don't think that you have much choice then. No possibilities of lift shares? Try seeing in a positive light of changing your situation -use to plan the next stage of your life and find out what you really want.

Cerisier Mon 15-Jul-13 10:10:15

Once DS is 17 can he learn to drive and get himself to college? Can he get a moped?

A 90mins round trip twice a day three times a week sounds pretty tedious, surely there must be some other options?

CuttedUpPear Mon 15-Jul-13 10:44:15

DS won't be able to drive at 17, he has some SENs which are still undiagnosed (waiting for CAHMs as always) and he is very unconfident about doing things alone.
And a moped is a nice idea but unfortunately the route is a busy A road with lorries thundering along it, it's not feasible.

So yes I am going to plan the next stage of my life - I don't think I'll need a year though!

curlew Mon 15-Jul-13 10:50:11

No public transport? I ask because I didn't realise that we actually have reasonable buses in our very rural location until dd was old enough to use them. You just have to be very organised.

As he is under statutory school leaving age, would the LEA do anything about transport?

CuttedUpPear Mon 15-Jul-13 13:47:15

I've tried to work it out with public transport but he has to be there at 8.30am (and it is important that he is) and the three buses required wouldn't get there in time.
My mum has offered to help a bit.

I'm just dreading the thought of forcing DS out of bed every morning - he is unpredictable and ill tempered.

CuttedUpPear Mon 15-Jul-13 13:48:13

I will ask the LEA once he gets his results and it's all firmed up.

curlew Mon 15-Jul-13 16:29:44

Could you take him- then you'd be sure he got there, and he made his own way home? How far is it? Could he bus some of the way and bus the rest?

And I hesitate to say this- but try not to put up with being treated like crap. Easy to say- but...... do try.

CuttedUpPear Wed 17-Jul-13 10:34:36

Curlew yes I'm thinking of doing the lift one way then getting Ds to bus it home.
Also I might have picked up some work sort-of nearby which I can travel on to after dropping him off in the mornings.

I think I'm just looking for advice on how to be positive over the next year.
I'm in fear of feeling trapped and taken for granted.

Orchidlady Wed 17-Jul-13 13:22:51

cutted I know how difficult it is to live in a rural area,. so feel your pain. I guess moving house nearer bus routes etc is not an option? Giving you more freedom?

flow4 Thu 18-Jul-13 08:57:43

Hi Cutted. I'm glad home schooling DS worked for you both. Well done! smile

This is a difficult age and stage. If he enjoys his course, he'll want to get up and go, and that'll be manageable... You already know how stressful it is when they don't want to get up and go.

The 90 min drive is a pain, but preferable to the alternative of having him sitting around doing nothing. My ideas for dealing with it are here, but if none of them are possible, then it probably is a matter of just gritting your teeth for a year...

- Find some work near his college, so his lift is also your commute.
- Cut your work hours for 9 months. You will probably be able to make up some of your lost income with additional tax credits.
- Take up a course yourself!
- Is there a nearer place you could drive him to that means just 1 bus for him, rather than 3?
- Is there somewhere he could stay over 1 night a week?

Feeling trapped and taken for granted comes with the territory, I'm afraid (ime). My suggestion would be to add something new and positive to your life this year - something that you enjoy - which can give you some balance and compensation for the difficult stuff. smile

sashh Thu 18-Jul-13 11:20:27

could he 'lodge' somewhere nearer Mon-Fri?

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