Dd wants bf to stay over.....

(21 Posts)
Mama1980 Fri 12-Jul-13 13:58:18

I don't usually post in this section but could use some of your advice, thoughts please. I have a dd15 she will be 16 in a couple of weeks, by sgo. Which isn't relevant she's lived with me for years, other than she experienced severe abuse when younger hmm which led to her being placed with me. She is lovely a grade A student polite, respectful dotes on her younger brothers etc. helps around the house.... She has a sweet boyfriend, has had for several months all very innocent, he is often here they send most of the time playing in the garden with ds! We are very close and open with each other and she has had years of counselling to help her deal with the abuse, she s doing great but due to this I know they have done little more than kiss yet which she tells me her boyfriend is fine with.
She has asked if once she turns 16 her boyfriend can stay over she would like to explore their physical relationship in a safe place, her words not mine. He has turned 16 and she is on the pill for heavy periods though we have had the safe sex talk many times.
I was all ready to agree once she has turned 16 but now my mum who s generally great thinks it is a mistake and they are too young. His parents would be fine by the way so long as it is with me.
Wow that long sorry but didn't want to drip feed. So I thought I'd ask on here to see is this a good idea or not? I just don't want her to feel she has to go elsewhere and rush or feel unsafe.

Wow, I think it's great that she has such an open relationship with you and she does sound very mature and sensible.
How old is her boyfriend?
How do you feeling about them DTD in your own house? To be honest, I think that I would let them spend the night together but also be wary of protecting your DS.

PrincessKitKat Fri 12-Jul-13 16:06:32

Wow, she sounds really mature.
My parents would have gone ape if I'd asked for my BF to stay over at 16, so a windy bit of parkland was where I 'explored the physical side of our relationship' confused vile.
Your mum is from a different generation & while her opinion can be considered, it's your decision to make. I doubt it would encourage this open & honest relationship if you didn't respect her wishes.

DwellsUndertheSink Fri 12-Jul-13 16:12:13

Agree with manalive...As she has been very grown up about her intentions, I think you should consider it, but maybe be open about the fact that you are unhappy about her physical relationship when your DS is present in the house. Then maybe plan when DS will be away at eg granny, so they know when they can have the house to themselves. Id also be giving myself a fiver and going to the movies......

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 16:15:20

I think I'd be saying yes he can stay, but in separate beds until 18 years old.

And I'd be saying yes to having sex in the house, but only when the house is empty.

This was my experience as a 16 year old with a long term boyfriend (which was not too long ago!) and I think my parents handled it very well and very fairly. -The empty house thing especially! I certainly didn't want anyone over hearing my loosing my virginity!

Mama1980 Fri 12-Jul-13 16:46:41

Thanks. Yes she is very mature unfortunately she has had to deal with things even the strongest adult would struggle with so she's had no choice really. It's only been the last year she started rebelling a little and answering back, you have no idea how happy it makes me to argue with her sometimes grin
She struggles with physical intimacy with anyone she doesn't know even shaking hands so its good that she trusts boyfriend this much. Think I will say yes when she turns 16 but impose some restrictions about times etc. thanks for reassuring me.
Boyfriend is 16 1/2 have spoken to his parents who are fine with the idea so long as I don't mind.
My mum was always great but your right about the generation thing she wouldn't have even considered this but then I never would have discussed it with her either.

mamaTJ I don't have advice, but my DB fosters a girl who also suffered serious abuse as a child. Although, 6 years on she has come so far, off to university, but a million miles from a relationship, sort of frozen in the past, emotionally. We have taken in a child too, who has not been abused, but bereaved, and he too is emotionally changed by that experience. It is hard to know how far they have really come, as they get so used to covering up. Maybe run it by a professional ear?

Nagoo Fri 12-Jul-13 21:15:32

Bloody hell I was a straight 'no' reading the title, but now I have read the post I have softened a bit.

I think I would still say no to overnight, as that's too much IMO but I would agree to giving her more privacy at home so she can be sure you won't be bursting in on her IYSWIM.

BarefootShirl Sat 13-Jul-13 18:04:32

I think it's great that you have such an open and mature relationship - not convinced DD is going to be as open with me when she's 16! Personally I would be quite relaxed about bf staying over and if they sleep together then so be it - would much rather that than think she is doing it in the back of a car at night in the middle of nowhere - or maybe I am letting my own experiences colour my judgement blush

NachoAddict Sat 13-Jul-13 18:17:49

I think you should let him stay but with the rule about sex only in an empty house.

If she is mature enough to speak to you about it and you then say no, it will probably have a negative effect on your relationship.

Mama1980 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:28:43

Thanks everyone thanks
Curableromantic- dd has seen a counsellor for years she stopped as the counsellor felt she was very strong and healthy in her attitudes and that in fact therapy for her was no longer necessary/or even helpful in that it made her rehash things she felt dd had processed. It is scary being on my own though without that back up! For dd she is fine even very affectionate when she knows someone, but also knows her own limitations and needs to be prepared with strangers iykwim?
She says she wants to move forward and feels she's ready and I think that can only be a positive step. The last year she has also started arguing back to me, which is amazing and again i think super positive, she know now no matter what she says i will be here for ages she didn't dare misbehave for fear i wouldn't be hmm i think knowing she feels that security makes me more confident this is the right decision. Seriously I could not be more proud of her if I tried.
I have taken all your comments on board, thank you, and will speak to her tonight (if ds's ever go to sleep) and say that I will allow it once she turns 16 but in a gradual way maybe suggest she can close her door a bit to start with rather than letting him stay overnight immediately and then we'll see. Luckily this is a big house so ds's can easily be somewhere else.

I would because I was allowed at 16. I was similar to your DD too.
If you trust your DD to be sensible I see no problem.

Mama1980 Sat 13-Jul-13 20:45:34

Thanks throughgrittedteeth for the reassurance. I trust her completely and she's never given me a reason to doubt her.

Mama what a great job you've done - it would be wrong i think for you not to have faith in her smile

Tiredemma Sun 14-Jul-13 07:48:49

She sounds like an amazing daughter. She sounds like she has an amazing mum too.

You should be very proud of your relationship.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 14-Jul-13 07:50:04

If they are both 16 then I don't see a problem. I'd rather them be doing it in my house safe than somewhere else and the fact she is sensible enough to wait for consentual age AND speak to her mother about contraception speaks volumes enough for me tbh.

ConnieM1970 Wed 28-Aug-13 13:23:56

What a great relationship you have, Congratulations!

flow4 Wed 28-Aug-13 13:51:03

I'd say 'yes'. She's mature; it's what she wants; she's communicating with you (in a way many parents can only dream of); he's pleasant, well-matched and not pushy... It all bodes well... smile

Generally speaking, I'd also advocate giving them some privacy and making yourself scarce... But given her particular history, I would personally want to stick around. I think there is just a small chance that sex/physical intimacy might trigger some powerful, unpleasant, frightening feeling for her... If she was my DD, I think I'd want to be on hand the first few times, just in case she wants your support...

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Wed 28-Aug-13 14:05:50

She sounds lovely and so do you smile

I think you are doing the right thing.

Even though personally I'd find it difficult, I would stay around too. I'd make sure the boys were out and that I was in the garden/kitchen etc - well away from them, but there if she needs me and I'd tell her that too.

I too would set up some boundaries that suit you/your house/your lifestyle. Saying 'yes' to this doesn't mean there aren't any boundaries.

Although part of me thinks she is far too young bloody hypocrite I am very happy for her that feels able to trust someone enough to do this.

However, I would now be shit scared that he will hurt her by doing things that people often do - leave her, sleep with someone else etc and how, espcially if she has had sex with him, this will leave her feeling - it's bad enough for any young girl, but I'd worry even more with one with her background.

Give me toddlers anyday grin

ConnieM1970 Wed 28-Aug-13 23:13:03

You have to do what you are comfortable with not what your mom or anyone else is. You should have heard the comments I got when my dd's bf started staying over, but I did what I thought was best and it's worked out great. The only thing you may want to consider is go at it gradually..leave them home alone while everyone is gone and allow them their privacy to "get to know" each other in comfortable surroundsings. And always call before you come home. I think allowing this and then beginning to allow the sleepovers is a gradual way to do it and doing that worked out great in our house. Good luck, you've done a great job.

your daughter sounds very mature. I have started letting my 16 year olds boyfriend stay over, she is nearly 17 and they are having sex anyway so I cant stop that. But I do say no sex while im in, Its a tiny flat and I really don't want to be hearing that, have not heard anything yet and I do go out and give them time alone, better than my day when we were in the park, that was grim and cold.

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