DD says she feels like a "freak" because she has never had a boyfriend

(31 Posts)
mrsjay Thu 11-Jul-13 10:31:18

I really don't know what to say to her she is 15 and in the past few months X has asked Y out and SO n SO is going out with whatshisface, and she seems to think there is something wrong with her and this is when she said I feel like a freak as everybody has had a gf/bf. she is 15

mrsjay Thu 11-Jul-13 10:39:45

sorry I posted too soon i thought i heard her get up and she normally plonks herself beside me, , anyway she is 15 and has a few friends that are boys they talk about comic books and stuff that is considered geeky she said to me I think I should be more girly so boys like me more like that, I have said all the usual things as you dont need to have a bf to be happy etc etc but I dont think im helping much confused

BabsAndTheRu Thu 11-Jul-13 10:47:09

God I remember feeling like that as well at that age. Its a horrible time. Was very tomboyish at that age and didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17. Friends all had boyfriends way before me and I felt like a freak as well. Not much you can do that you aren't already doing. Looking back glad I didn't have a boyfriend too young but do wish I was a bit more girly at times, still do. My mum supported me the same as you are doing. Always felt supported and loved throughout. Feel for her I really do.

I didn't have a boyfriend til I was 16 (indeed the vast majority of my friends had their first boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere between 16 and 19). It hasn't prevented us from doing anything in life, or going on to have relationships/get married/all that kind of nonsense. We were all angsty about this when we were 15, of course.

You are right, there is no point changing herself in the hope that boys will like her. The important thing is to find the right boyfriend, who likes her for exactly who she is (and there will be loads of boys who do), rather than any old boyfriend. The main problem is that you only know a small number of boys when you are 15 (and they're largely determined by utterly random factors like which school you go to), but once you are older and are doing things you've chosen to do and that are led by your own interests, you tend to meet people who are more likely to like you than you were when you were allocated to 5B because your surname happened to begin with an F.

I'd say the 'problem' (and it does seem like a problem when you are 15) is that she's still at school and not in control of her own destiny. It will absolutely get better once she goes on to college or university and can interact with a broader variety if people. There will plenty of young men at university who like slightly geeky young women! grin

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 11-Jul-13 10:53:37

Sounds like she needs an ego boost.

What is she good at? What does she like to do?

I would engage her in those activities -- or just talk to her about how brilliant she is at this and plenty of other stuff -- to bring the point home to her that she is wonderful and lovable just as she is (and therefore that she doesn't need validation from the male of the species), and that she has plenty of active and fun things to be getting on with (instead of boys).

scherazadey Thu 11-Jul-13 11:05:49

Poor dd, sounds like you're doing everything right though. Of course you don't need a bf to be happy (all the angst will probably make you unhappy) but very hard to appreciate that at 15. Boys are so mercenary at this age and in my experience the same boys seem to only choose girls from a certain few groups to go out with. There's this horrible site called ask.fm mine go on where you can ask anonymous questions and DS15 and his friends get questions like 'who are the hottest girls in year 10' all the time. They all answer with the same five or six names. He's even been asked to rank ten girls on how hot they are which he refused to do although some of his friends were very happy to post their ranking! So horrible and I've always thought, what if you're not one of the girls everyone fancies, how would that effect your self esteem? If you were ranked tenth most attractive and not first, how crap would that make you feel? God, wouldn't want to be 15 again for anything!

Jimalfie Thu 11-Jul-13 11:18:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew Thu 11-Jul-13 11:26:19

I know this won't help, but my dd, who has on and off boyfriends (nothing serious, frequently dumped!sad" since she was 14, had a sudden Road to Damascus experience in her first week of 6th form and realised that she and most of her friends were actually happier when they didn't have boyfriends! She is now happily and determinedly single, with good friends who are boys, and having a very nice time indeed.

But she wouldn't have believed that if I had told her when she was 15, so I suspect your dd won't either........

alemci Thu 11-Jul-13 11:45:35

Curlew

I think you talk sense. It is a shame that our YD/YS feel so much pressure and not complete without someone else.

I must admit that some of my 15 DS's friends suddenly have GF and I suddenly worry why my son doesn't seem to have one but he may have at school for all I know but why should I care so much.

I do get really anxious about my ED 19 who hasn't had a bf for over a year and had a long term relationship in the 6th form. even though she has now gone off to Uni but I don't think she is bothered as she has got loads of male and female friends.

Mrs Jay I am sure everyone isn't with someone even though it appears that way to your dd. I am sure she is lovely and has her whole life ahead of her.

mrsjay Thu 11-Jul-13 11:47:56

thanks it is nice to have a little moan and know other kids (and parents) go through this as somebody else said I wouldnt want to be 15 again

, I dont think she is on that ASK thing but she has told me about it says its horrible and bitchy
, I think she was quite hurt when one of her friends a boy asked if he should ask out X and she said oh yes ask her , but i think she quite fancied this boy and this is when she started saying whats wrong with me she is now going on about how this girl is taking this boy away from all his friends,

It all so dramtic I do try and not trivialise it because it isn't trivial for them and try and say everything I am supposed to say.

wundawoman Thu 11-Jul-13 11:58:14

I agree with the other posters on here. My dd is 17; and since 15 it's been problem for her not having a boyfriend, a problem when a boy does like her, a problem when she gets too much attention and a problem when she does not get enough attention and feels left out!!!! It is very much a roller coaster! But I think the important thing is to have a stable group of friends (male and/or female) and try to balance school commitments and have some interests. It's a tricky time confused.

mrsjay Thu 11-Jul-13 12:03:09

I have had a 15 yr old before and she came with her own set of problems dd1 did have a boyfriend in school and has been with her current boyfriend 4 years,, 14/15 just seems a rubbish time for them

NoComet Thu 11-Jul-13 12:05:30

DD1(15) has never had a BF, boys as mates, but not BFs.

Doesn't bother her, her best friend never has either (ok best friend goes to a girls school), but they really aren't interested. Although DD1 has noticed the boys have stopped teasing her and are even nice sometimes hmm

I never had a boyfriend until I was at university and then only two (I've I've been married to two for 23 years)

I think, whether we mean to or not, our body language and the way we don't join in with teen nonsense, says I don't want a BF just for the sake of it. I want one whose wants to be with me because I'm me, not just because I'm female.

NoComet Thu 11-Jul-13 12:12:35

DD2(12) on the other hand has already had a couple of very brief BFs and everything about her says "I'm cool, confident and at the centre of my peer group"

God knows where that comes from given her totally, geeky, find fitting in difficult, Father, Mother and Sister.

I'm sure she'll have no trouble getting a BF, but is that a good thing.

You know OP I'm not sure, BFs at 13,14,15 don't last, but splitting up still hurts.

amumthatcares Thu 11-Jul-13 12:15:57

My DD who is 19 in 5 months has never had a boyfriend apart from a 'relationship' just before her 17th birthday at which point I was so excited I almost put the bunting up, lol He then dumped her after 4 weeks and she hasn't give another lad a second glance! She is very attractive, fashionable, clever, popular and is a real party girl but somewhere along the line boyfriends have never really featured, though she has lots of boy friends. To be honest I think she is too busy enjoying being young and having a good time (before uni in October) to have a BF. My only concern is that when she does have a proper boyfriend she will fall big time for him and then she'll get her heart broken with no previous experience of dealing with that. But, at 15 I wouldn't worry. So long as she is happy and has friends, I'm sure it will all happen eventually (for your DD and mine!) smile

Isthiscorrect Thu 11-Jul-13 13:24:20

amumthatcares I agree and understand. DS is nearly 18 just finished year 12 and has never had a girlfriend and my worry is like yours, the broken heart when they are miles away with no experience.

It is pretty much a certainty that everyone else doesn't have a boyfriend. It's just that when you are 15 you become focused on the minority of your peers that do.

It sounds as if the real problem is that she likes a particular boy but he wanted to ask someone else out. That's always crap.

And I totally agree: I wouldn't be 15 again for anything in the world. Being a teenager is so hard.

alemci Thu 11-Jul-13 13:34:51

worries me too with 19 y ed. 17 dd has had steady bf for ages. ed did have bf for a year or so but no one recently. she is so pretty but wants to go out with Christian man as she wont compromise on her faith and sex before marriage idealsconfused .

the youth dont seem to date the way I did or get off with people. its all or nothing

claraschu Thu 11-Jul-13 13:36:55

I think it's great that she comes to talk to you about this. I could never have admitted this to my mother; I would have fellt embarrassed and humiliated.

specialsubject Thu 11-Jul-13 17:33:06

wow, it's crap being a teen. Isn't it great being older and knowing a) it doesn't matter and that b) they were all lying anyway?

doesn't help her now, I know. We all get our hearts broken and have unrequited loves. Welcome to life, kid.

mrsjay Fri 12-Jul-13 09:31:43

Mrs Jay I am sure everyone isn't with someone even though it appears that way to your dd. I am sure she is lovely and has her whole life ahead of her.

I am sure you are right and tbh I would rather she didnt have a BF i remember the angst about boys with dd1 falling out tears even falling behind at school a little sigh

Yes I am glad she can talk to me about stuff she has always been able to say what she thinks her sister wouldve rather chewed her own hand off than talk to me about boys hmm

thanks again everybody for chipping into my thread

cory Fri 12-Jul-13 09:52:41

I remember feeling exactly like this when I was 15. And by the time I was 19 I had met the man I was going to marry- and frankly, I don't know many people who have had a happier or more romantic relationship history than me.

Dd is 16 and as far as I know hasn't had a boyfriend either.

In fact, the world is full of teenagers who have never had a boyfriend. Always was. They just don't squeal about it on facebook.

Looking back, realising how very very long a lifetime is and how very very short those teen years are, you see how silly it was to put so much weight on them, to see them as a case of now or never, to think that everything about you had to be defined in those few years- but teenagers don't see that.

AllegraLilac Fri 12-Jul-13 16:25:14

That's a feeling lots of girls have. Its best to just carry on living your life. I had my first boyfriend at 15. My best friend had her first boyfriend at 21.

We're both normal and well adjusted. But as a sexually and emotionally mature person, loneliness sucks.

How to deal with loneliness - distraction. I learnt to canoe when I was single for two years. Just distract her from the 'problem'.

lljkk Sun 14-Jul-13 20:55:32

That is so normal...

I was the same, I remember at 13 thinking it would be the end of the world (literally) if I was still a virgin when I turned 16 (didn't lose it until much older again, actually). But by the time I was 16 I didn't mind, that's the trick of growing up, so many things you turn out to not mind.
Actually didn't have a boyf. until I was nearly 20. Couldn't get rid of the blighters after that, only sorted by marrying one eventually. wink

Cerisier Mon 15-Jul-13 10:04:42

Another one here who thinks you are doing all the right things for DD.

Luckily There are very few couples in DDs sixth form, so it is nice that there is little pressure on the teens to couple up. DD has got a BF but I do worry that things might go pear shaped during important exams.

I think university is soon enough for relationships, then they get privacy and have grown up a bit to cope with the emotions.

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