ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Mixed gender sleepovers, ok and a big NO?????(77 Posts)
So here's the dilemma, DD12 (nearly 13) wants to go to the movies then sleepover at best friend's for birthday next week....so far so good...but then I find out that amongst others a couple of boys will be going to the movie and sleeping over too. Now don't get me wrong, I do trust DD 100%, she's a top student who's won academic awards this year,applies herself at school and swims and does other sports to a high level, apart from the usual teenage hassles I have no bother with her BUT it just doesn't feel quite right to allow this, what do others think? And if I say no how can I do it without all hell breaking loose???!! ;-)
Blimey is this thread still running?! We'be long ago moved on to the next set of crises (fall outs with friends, sexting, just being a plain old Moody teen) I suppose I should take that ad a comfort that all these phases do pass!!!
my dd is 14 and I allowed her to have a sleepover with 15 of her friends in tents at the back of the garden. pretty much half of them were boys and everything was fine, I hadn't even met a few of the boys and one of the girls but they all got along fine. they did a barbecue and all had a great time. not once did I have to go and tell them off they were all very sensible. the next day everyone helped to clean up and they even tidied the whole of the ground floor (including mopping and hoovering!!) I'd let them do it again and I don't see the problem with having mixed sleepovers when they're all friends. the chances of anything untoward happening are so slim there's no point fretting over it
I think you did the right thing to say no, fwiw.
My dd is 13 and at that age, they really are a raging ball of hormones and so unpredictable. Last year I had to step in to stop her starting a sexual relationship with another girl. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected. She was just so hormonal, totally confused about what she wanted and I think she would have deeply regretted it had she gone ahead.
I think the group thing is probably a lot safer, but kids that age are so easily lead, I still wouldn't take the risk.
Nobody can compare to it to what they got up to in the 80s/90s neither, it is a totally different time now. Kids learn too much too soon, and I think it screws a lot of people up too. We live in quite an affluent area, but dd has so many friends who really are confused and mixed up for whatever reason. Self harming, suicide attempts, sadomachoism, drugs. No chance she is going to sleepovers with any of those, regardless of gender!
Luckily she does have a few friends that I know quite well, are quite level headed and she allowed to sleepover at their houses.
I'm not surprised by the amount of emotion this thread has raised. My own daughters have never been allowed mixed sleepovers after starting secondary school that action was reinforced by seeing guidance that a child has their own room from that age approx. the younger one 13 feels she is missing out badly. I'm not sure they have and they still have a great bunch of both sets of friends. My issue is that's rising teens are experimental and even if alcohol is banned they have ways of secreting it in. I work with teenagers and have had to deal with some very sad situations with kids as young as 13 getting pregnant. In my own area there have been other situations that have got out of control and older girls claiming they've been raped. I don't think it's worth the risk.
OP, you've had a bit of a bashing on here but I see where you are coming from. My own dd is a year younger, 12 in May and at the moment has no interest in boys. I don't think in a year's time I would be happy about her going to a mixed sleepover and would probably say no too. I think sometimes with teens, we feel pressurised into saying yes to things for fear of our child being left out or that they'll have a strop or not like you! NOT good reasons to say yes. If you're not happy with the set up then say no. It doesn't mean no for ever, just for now, it's a bit too much too soon. I don't think it's good parenting to let teens do more or less what they like and actually, deep down, THEY often want parents to draw boundaries even if they don't admit it.
No jimalfie I didn't, like I said difference of opinion, maybe I'll change my mind, who knows, but for now I'm going to stick to saying no to it! I still don't have a problem with her socialising with boys generally and I certainly don't think they are all sex crazed, we know some lovely teenage boys and DD is fortunate to have some lovely male friends, far more so than I did actually
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Fair point scherazadey. I agree the issues are confused, but most people have posted thoughtful and helpful comments regardless of whether they have opposing views to mine, which is fine, I thought that was what mumsnet was all about, helping and offering opinion, not being unkind!
Yes I agree those last few comments are rather bitchy and unnecessary! I think the reason so many people have got irate about this Maryrose is that the issue has become confused. It is not a simple case of whether or not you agree with mixed sleepovers (which of course opinions will differ on) but the fact that this was not a 'usual' mixed 12 year olds sleepover as there was alcohol and no adult supervision (which after three children and numerous mixed sleepovers I have never ever come across before). And although a lot of people are happy with their kids sleeping over with friends of the opposite sex, nobody would be happy letting their kids sleepover with alcohol and no parent there at age 12.
I do wonder though why some mums seem to feel the need to undermine each other by picking at the slightest thing. Constructive criticism, great, difference of opinion, fact of life. But criticising the smallest thing unnecessarily, why? Shouldn't we be building each other up, as parents and as women? What kind of example does it set out daughters if we bitch needlessly? Just my ten pence worth
Blimey, what a lot of unnecessary bitchiness periodmath! And I thought teenage girls had the monopoly of pitching over the smallest of things! Was there really any need to get out the wooden spoon at STIR for no reason?
But it had zero relevance to your question. Brag all you want - to people who could care less. Weird to say it on here though.
Btw, being able to swim and pass exams does not make you any less randy as a teen
Well bugger me for being proud of my daughter! I'm certainly not apologising for that, regardless as to whether I'm over the top about the sleepover p.s the point was to show she is a hardworking, trustworthy, well behaved child and therefore I TRUSTED her completely but was concerned about the influence of others, and especially boys, at the sleepover. I'm quite happy to take flack re my opinions on sleepovers but I'll always flag about my kids achievements and I don't see why every other parent shouldn't do the same
Love the random information in the OP. The academic awards and swimming stuff - what does any if that have to do with your anything?
Um Apples you may want to read the OP's last post.
Personaly let her go! I know lots of people who lost there virginity in s1 via drunken mistakes! Just make sure there are no drinks( alcholic) avaiable!
You havent thought about the possibility that some of them (gurls or boys) could be gay so really anything can happen just trust your daughter if not shes gonna rebel out espicialy if her friends are alowed to go
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well folks it didn't go too well - see my seperate thread on 12 year old, drinking and boys!!!!
Legitimate question. Would you ban your daughter from girl sleepovers if she were a lesbian?
Nothing sexy goes on at mixed sleepovers. There in a group fgs! They're not having orgies. Nor are people coupling off and going upstairs. It's drunken parties at older ages where that happens. And being 16 and asking if the 'boyfriend can sleepover'.
I promise, at 12/13, mixed sleepovers are painfully platonic.
Thanks all. I spoke to the mum concerned. She's actually really nice and the Aunt and best friends dad and new partner plus baby twins are going to be there so I feel better about the worry of her going out and leaving them as she did last time (DD since admitted that her best friend may have been exaggerating on this and they weren't left 'all night' more like till 11pm). The mum has said if I feel uncomfortable she will invite the boys for movie and pizza but not to sleepover. I'm half wondering if this is all a bit of an elaborate ruse but I think I have to give DD the benefit of the doubt and let her go. I don't have any complaints about my DD's behaviour and no, I don't think she is a 'slut' as some people have rather shockingly suggested. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think I have the right to protect my daughter. I get the point that most 12/13 year olds are not sex crazed monsters, but I think we need to remember that 12/13/14 year olds DO get pregnant so not all of them are impeccably behaved either..
I remember being very cross as a teenager that my flamboyantly gay male best friend was never allowed to sleep over.
I think I would consider it in that situation, or if I trusted the host family and they said the boys would be in a different room for the actual sleeping. Though it doesn't sound like that will be the case for you, OP, so I would just say no if it doesn't sit right with you. You're on your own with preventing the tantrum though!
I did duke o Edinburgh at this age camping with gasp boys
It about the conversations you have with your dc before - if you say a flat no she won't be honest next time
Have a chat about how she feel about boys etc
Whilst some are sex crazed loons some are painfully shy-
Hope all goes well
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