Mixed gender sleepovers, ok and a big NO?????

(77 Posts)
MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 13:20:01

So here's the dilemma, DD12 (nearly 13) wants to go to the movies then sleepover at best friend's for birthday next week....so far so good...but then I find out that amongst others a couple of boys will be going to the movie and sleeping over too. Now don't get me wrong, I do trust DD 100%, she's a top student who's won academic awards this year,applies herself at school and swims and does other sports to a high level, apart from the usual teenage hassles I have no bother with her BUT it just doesn't feel quite right to allow this, what do others think? And if I say no how can I do it without all hell breaking loose???!! ;-)

bigTillyMint Thu 04-Jul-13 13:24:54

It would be a definite no from me.

DD is a top student, but her ex-bf wanted to take things further than she did - I dread to think what might have happened on a mixed sleepover.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 13:42:38

This is the thing that worries me bigTillyMint, I know my DD is sensible, but it's the other kids you can't be sure about. But then my friend, who I regard as pretty sensible, says she has no problem with it, that our girls are nice well brought up girls and we should trust them, don't know what to do for the best confused

bigTillyMint Thu 04-Jul-13 15:38:37

Yes, my DD is a nice well brought up girl too. And her bf seemed to be very polite, etc. But he was a raging bed of testosterone too!
Doing more than most parents would want them to do at that age seems to be quite common amongst some of DD's year-group, and they come from what you would describe as nice MC families - it can happen with any children.

Of course, these boys may be entirely sweet and innocent and nothing like that remotely likely to happen.

Why do they want a mixed sleepover? Couldn't they have a mixed party and then the boys go home and just the girls sleep over?

orangeandemons Thu 04-Jul-13 15:41:20

Who does actually host these?

My ds always wanted these and I'd never let him. Do normal parents think it ok?

Jimalfie Thu 04-Jul-13 15:45:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishihadabs Thu 04-Jul-13 15:49:56

I've still to encounter this as a parent, but from my teenage years not much really goes on at these things. A bit of snogging and groping then sleeping in each other's arms from memory, think I was more like 15 tho.

50shadesofvomit Thu 04-Jul-13 15:57:55

My ds is 12 and if he asked to host one Id tell him that the girls can stay until late- 9pm or 10pm but that the sleepover would be boys only. I would not want to have to supervise a mixed sleepover and have to explain myself to other parents if something happened.

Round here boys and girls are friends but there has been no mixed sleepovers yet. Phew!!

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 17:16:24

It seems to be quite a common thing to have these now. I wouldn't want to host one and I'm edging towards a 'no' to my DD (cue fireworks!) it's not that I think anything would go on it's just the idea does make me feel uncomfortable...

TeamEdward Thu 04-Jul-13 17:21:38

No advice, (DS are much younger) but kudos on the stealth boast in your OP!
grin

Reiltin Thu 04-Jul-13 17:28:47

You're assuming that there's nothing going on between any of the kids of the same gender . . .

NewFairy Thu 04-Jul-13 17:32:21

Could you compromise and let dd go to the cinema, then back to friends house, but invent a reason why she needs to be up early the next morning so say she cant stay for the sleepover.

With DDs friends, its quite common for one or other to have to leave at 10.30 or 11pm as they have family plans the next day.

NewFairy Thu 04-Jul-13 17:33:05

Thats just for girl sleepovers btw grin

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 17:44:01

As the mother of two teenage boys, I am about 99.99% sure that at 13, girls are more advanced than boys, and are far, far more likely to be thinking about snogging etc.!

flow4 Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:02

My 13 yo DS2 has had several sleepovers with female friends btw... The last one was slightly odd, because a female friend invited him and his 'girlfriend' to sleep over, but GF's parents said 'no' - having previously said 'yes' when they were just friends and not 'going out'... So DS2 ended up sleeping over with female friend, while GF went home! confused

OneLieIn Thu 04-Jul-13 17:49:05

How did you find out?? Was she honest and open upfront?

scherazadey Thu 04-Jul-13 17:53:24

Agree with flow, most 13 year old boys are more interested in xbox than snogging! Can't believe people actually think a 12-13 year olds mixed sleepover is going to end in an orgy! A lot of over thinking going on here...

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 04-Jul-13 17:53:53

Between 12 and 16 I went to loads of these, at least once a month. There was no rampant shagging. We only scared ourselves stupid with horror films.

If she was honest and upfront with you, and if you know/spoke to the parents i'd let her.

NoRainNoRainbow Thu 04-Jul-13 17:55:50

But as pp said, I do remember a bit of girl on girl experimentation going on around 14/15. grin

felicity1971 Thu 04-Jul-13 18:22:34

Just had a chat with DD12 and DS almost 14 about this. Both attend mixed sleepovers and were incredulous that parents would think anything 'sexy' might be going on. Why would anyone want to do anything like that with other people there said DD and DS said that none of his friends that are girls would be the slightest bit interested in boys in their own year as bf material preferring boys in the year above!

DS1 (14) said much the same felicity.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 18:38:17

Thanks for comments. I don't for one second think there will be an 'orgy' or anything as daft as that! But one of the boys is DD'S boyfriend. She wasn't honest at first, I overheard a conversation but to her credit I just asked her straight out who was going and she told me straight away. So I have said no to sleeping over and no fireworks just lots of crying which is almost worse. I feel horrible but I am sure I have done the right thing. The mum of the best friend I don't know all that well and dd has said previously she finds her bf's mum a bit irresponsible. It's really hard but I think I have been right to go with my gut instinct on this.

ShinigamiLord Thu 04-Jul-13 18:54:11

Well, in my opinion, I think you should let her go. I think it's a little ridiculous that so many parents are worried about their young teens going on mixed sleepovers, and having sex or behaving like that. Look at it from her perspective: she's going to be with a few close guy and girl friends, the last thing she would want to do is kiss/make out/have sex in front or with her friends around. You said you trusted her, and she told you straight away that her boyfriend was coming around, which means she thinks you trust her enough to know that nothing ''weird'' will be going on. She seems like a very sensible child, who cares a lot about her education, quite the opposite from a teen who would do something '''weird'' at a mixed sleepover. Trust her, and your decision, and let her go wink

Jimalfie Thu 04-Jul-13 19:06:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryRose Thu 04-Jul-13 19:25:16

I've never met the boyfriend, he lives across town, she hasn't been going out with him very long, and the last time dd slept there the mum went out drinking and left the girls in the house alone and didn't come back until 11am. Does that change anyone's mind?

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