ds1 (16) found out his girlfriend is 13!

(78 Posts)
daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 19:48:42

Im so cross ive been barefaced lied to by my ds1 and his girlfriend.

Ds1 is 16 in just over a week and just finished school so yr11. Hes been going out with his ggirlfriend for a couple of months. There was a rumour when they first started going out that she was yr8 I confronted them both together and she swore blind she was yr10 birthday in october so just missed on being in same year as ds1 by a couple of months.

So over the last couple of months ds2 (just 11) has had numerous people ask him if he was ds1's brother and that his brother was a paedo for going out with a yr 8. Each time ds2 had said no she was yr10 and defending his brother.

Tonight ds2 came home from the park upset as another boy had been saying stuff about ds1 again in front of ds2 and his friends.

I had been having doubts because of this so asked ds1 over dinner to confirm her age he was shifty and said she was 14 but I knew this wasn't the truth anyway a bit more pushing and he admitted she was $ is 13. Tbh im still unsure of her true age if shes yr8 with October birthday how old she would be?

I told him under no circumstances was he to contact her again and that I would be speaking to her parents and letting them know that I have told ds1 that he is not to go out with her.

Weve had screaming and shouting and swearing. I don't think im being unreasonable to say that a yr11 boy is too old to be goimg out with (regardless of sexual status of the relationship he assures me theyvr only kissed)? Am I being unreasonable in this decision?

13 and 14 this year. My brother is in same year and is 14 in September

SirChenjin Tue 18-Jun-13 19:57:31

I'm in 2 minds over this. I do not appreciate being lied to, so for that they would know my wrath. However, 3 years is not a huge gap, especially if she's quite mature for her age and he's quite immature - I'm not sure banning all contact is the answer, it's more likely to have them running to each other.

Do her parents know? Have you had a talk about pregnancy, STIs and where he stands legally if he has sex with a 13 year old?

I do know that both my 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter are horrified at the thought of anyone in their year going out with anyone 3 years younger/older - it's just not the done thing. Maybe it will all blow over? I'd just let it run its course tbh, neither encourage nor discourage it, and make sure they know exactly what you think of their deceit to date.

daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 20:46:01

I dont know. Its a long list of lies at the moment.

Ive tried to speak to her parents to see if they know howold ds1 is and if they are haphappy with it all, but I don't have a phone number and have just gone round twice but no one was in. Im going to go round tomorrow after the school run and take a note with my number on incase no one is in.

I have two major problems other than the age and that's the deceit and the problems that its causing ds2. Ds2 isyr6 and had chosen a school on the other side of town as he ddidn't want to follow in ds1's footsteps at the school closest to us. Luckily he got into grammar school anyway.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 18-Jun-13 20:48:10

She is exactly the same age as my dd. I would be a bit unhappy if she had dated a 16yo for a few months. I would be very u happy if they both lied abut it.

Tortington Tue 18-Jun-13 20:49:19

her parents could prosecute for statutory rape if they have sex.

thing is, this affects many life paths.

whether it is morally right or not - was not the question i had to battle when i had two teenage boys, my conversations were always about the possibility of being prosecuted

Tortington Tue 18-Jun-13 20:50:24

i would tell that to my boy.

and not go door knocking the parents - in case they prosecuted.

Hulababy Tue 18-Jun-13 20:54:52

I would be very unhappy if I found out my DD, at age 13y/Y8, was going out with a much older 16y/Y11 boy.

Are her parents not aware of her boyfriend? Or have they lied to her parents too?

I think you are right to put a stop to it now, before it does get more serious. Your DS will be 16y very soon. If they do keep seeing each other and did become ore serious he could be in serious trouble.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 18-Jun-13 20:57:01

I had assumed no sex (naive)!

daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 20:57:25

They haven't had sex so he couldn't be prosecuted for that. Ive just had a very frank discussion wirh him about how he couldn't even think about having a sexual relationship until she was 16 at the very least.

burberryqueen Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:12

please do not knock on these parents' door again - you have no idea what you might be up against.
These days are so dodgy for this kind of thing.
They might have a perfectly genuine relationship and still be together in five years time but 'others' are going to be shouting 'paedo' as your other son already has to tolerate hearing about his brother.
no idea where i would go with this one tbh.

Tortington Tue 18-Jun-13 20:58:30

but you said he's been lying? now he tells the truth?

just sayin'

<bows out>

daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 20:59:39

Im not sure if they've lied to her parents or they are ok with it. Hes been to theirs a lot as they have a pool in their garden (a proper one not a pop up /overground one) and he has been out with the family.

daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 21:00:40

And yes Im pretty sure I do believe him when he says they haven't had sex.

Liara Tue 18-Jun-13 21:04:21

I went out with a 16 yo from the age of 13 to the age of 15. No big deal, but I guess we did not have the social pressure as everyone else around us was doing the same (I was in a girl's school, and as standard we 'dated' the boys who were a couple of years older).

The age difference is not that big at that age, girls tend to mature earlier.

daisydoodoo Tue 18-Jun-13 21:27:25

They know and don't have a problem. The dad just rang me as he didn't understand why ive told ds1 to end it.

WilsonFrickett Tue 18-Jun-13 21:32:27

I completely get where you are coming from as a parent, but when I was 13 yo I wouldn't have batted an eyelid about going out with a 15 yo. (I know he's nearly 15 but still). It's the way it's always been - girls go out with boys older than them. So I'm not sure if this is really a big deal or not.... Sorry, I know that's not hugely helpful.

scherazadey Wed 19-Jun-13 09:01:40

My kids say it would be social suicide for a year 11 to go out with a year 8, would be called a paedo etc. A lot of year 9 girls go out with year 10 or 11 boys but it seems the line is drawn there about how young is acceptable. Obviously the older they get the less the age difference matters, but seeing my 16 year old daughters friends who are male compared to my 12 year old daughters male friends you see what a huge difference there is. The year 7 and 8 'relationships' are pretty much just friends but at age 16 its much more about sex. DD says if a boy in her year was going out with a year 8 it would be because a) he'd already been out with every other year 11,10 and 9 or b) he couldn't get any year 11,10 or 9 to go out with him!!

daisydoodoo Wed 19-Jun-13 09:44:27

There age gap is much closer than you would imagine for the school yr age gap. Ds1 is one of the youngest in his year as birthday in July and she's one of oldest s birthday October.

I've still decided to stick to the decision of NO they cannot see each other, and she certainly is not welcome in the house anymore.

The problem I have is that I work full time and the summer holidays are coming up, the younger dc are booked into holiday clubs but ds1 will be at home. I do not want anyone in the house other than him when I'm not there.

Morgause Wed 19-Jun-13 09:46:33

When I was 13 the boys I dated were 15 or 16. I'm not seeing a problem.

Startail Wed 19-Jun-13 09:50:00

So...
As long as they aren't having sex what does it matter.

Startail Wed 19-Jun-13 09:53:20

And if you work full time DS will have round to the house who he likes and you forbidding it will just make it more appealing.

Else he'll just arrange to see her somewhere else.

Giving teens a reason to lie is never a good idea.

gamerchick Wed 19-Jun-13 09:54:08

Sad thing is, if you go down the path of forbidding you're just going to drive them underground.

You would be better off letting it run its course, let her come over so you can keep an eye on things and ask the other parents to do the same.

It WILL fizzle out but if you do the heavy handed thing then you may set yourself up for all sorts of aggro.

I find it a shame he felt he had to lie to you in the first place.

ClartyCarol Wed 19-Jun-13 09:54:12

If they're that keen they'll just see eachother behind your back.

ClartyCarol Wed 19-Jun-13 09:54:49

X-posts!

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