I wish he wasnt my son

(12 Posts)
pillpoppermum Fri 10-May-13 08:49:59

My 16 yr old son goes out every available moment he can. We hardly see him. He knows I'm unhappy abt it- I was crying the other day. Last year he smoked loads of weed, nearly got excluded from school but then at xmas he got panic attacks and derealisation from the weed (plus we have a family history of depression). He still has the derealisation thing, which is part of anxiety. He's on sertraline for the anxiety. He had really modified his going out after the panic attacks and Im sure hes not taking weed but he has recently gone back to going out every single available minute that he can- from the moment he wakes up at the weekend/from when he hme from school until 10/1030.
I keep saying to myself I wish he wasnt my son- which i know isnt helpful but its how i feel. Being firm doesnt seem to work. When I am verbally derogatory abt him that has some impact but i dont want to parent that way. When he was taking weed last year I said some terrible things to him - admittedly i was at the end of my tether. I think I might try withdrawing my energy from him - eg when he goes out I usually text him alot and he replies. From now on I'm going to text him the minimum amount.
I fantasise abt beating my son up........god that sounds terrible. But I am holding onto so much anger abt him. Im scared of showing that anger to him + I'm scared of the person i become with that anger. I'm angry with my husband too who is so passive abt my sons behaviour.
And while im here I hate it when people at work tell me their problems with their teenagers and im thinking you have no fucking idea what its like. I feel like a failure and sometimes i wish those smug parents who have seemingly 'perfect' (or good enough) teenagers could experience what its like to have a teenager who doesnt care.

Mannequinkate Fri 10-May-13 08:53:48

Just want to clarify. at the moment your son goes out a lot, that seems to be your only complaint? Although at one point in the past he also smoked weed?

pillpoppermum Fri 10-May-13 08:59:18

yes he smoked weed for most of last year but im sure he doesnt do that now as he has a panic attack when he smokes weed. But he goes out every single available minute that he can. We ve stopped his allowance but he just seems to grab food and go

MagicBaguette Fri 10-May-13 09:03:03

What is he doing wrong? Not spending much time in the house is normal for a 16 yr old - his independence is growing. what else is the problem?

Mannequinkate Fri 10-May-13 09:10:46

You are obviously finding his behaviour difficult, but it doesn't sound that bad or unusual for a 16 yr old boy. He is still attending school and has stopped smoking as he knows its bad for him.

He may not be behaving how you did as a teenager but he isn't behaving unusually either.

I imagine that he feels that he is constantly nagged at home so doesn't feel like he can relax. Maybe have a talk with him and agree that if he gets home for 8? 2 nights during the week (which ever nights he chooses not scheduled in and set in stone, be flexible) he will get his allowance on a Friday night?

He doesn't sound like he enjoys being at home as many teenagers don't. This could be for any reason, his friends parents are cooler, he has a girlfriend or he just likes being out and about. Cut him a little slack and he might enjoy your company again.

Coffeeformeplease Fri 10-May-13 09:23:50

Op, those smug parents with "perfect" teenagers may not tell you everything.
Unless you tell a bit more about what pisses you off so much about his behaviour I can also only say he sounds normal. I may be mean but maybe it is a good thing that weed makes him ill, so you know he will stay away from it.
Why are you so angry? Fantasies about beating him up? I would take these seriously and try to get to the bottom, as you might one day lash out which will make matters a lot worse.

At the moment, I wish my teen would go out at all, all she does is being glued to the computer screen. And we have infrequent quarrels about acceptable time limits (caught her on it at 1.15am last week when I needed the loo in the middle of the night).

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 09:25:19

I think you need to get some counselling for yourself, to explore your feelings towards your son and your husband. It sounds like you need a lot more support.

TheRealFellatio Fri 10-May-13 09:26:00

I would say he probably still is smoking weed I'm afraid.

ElizaDoLots Fri 10-May-13 09:32:00

Sorry, but I agree with MMMarmite - I don't think this is about your son at all.

livinginwonderland Fri 10-May-13 10:07:44

Sorry, but I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I was the same at 16 - if I wasn't at school or studying or in bed sleeping (or home getting fed!) I was out with my best friend, at her house, at the park, at the bowling alley or just out with friends. It's normal.

mindfulmum Fri 10-May-13 17:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flow4 Fri 10-May-13 18:22:30

pillpoppermum, I think a lot of us have powerful negative feelings about our teens at some point - especially anger, fury, grief, fear, rejection and disappointment - and sometimes it can go on for years. It's very upsetting for you to be feeling so negative about your child, whom you once loved so much. It will be very upsetting for your DS too, probably.

I get the feeling you haven't told us everything. It feels like there are missing pieces to this jigsaw. Do you want to come back and tell us more, so it makes a bit more sense? Why do you think you are so angry towards your son?

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