Oh god, prom after parties ,alcohol, um Help!!

(42 Posts)
januaryjojo Wed 08-May-13 21:12:48

My DD (16) has just announced she has been invited to a prom after party.

Starts at midnight, till 6AM!!

Oh and can she have alcohol too?!?!

Um um um um, she's my eldest, um, help!!!! confused

Mrsrobertduvall Sat 11-May-13 07:40:33

I must live in a parallel universe as I have never heard of an after prom party.
We didn't even have a disco at our school!

Dd has her prom this year, and I will be collecting her at 11.30.

EuroShaggleton Sat 11-May-13 07:49:10

OP, I'm shocked at how you behaved when she tried to speak to you about. Rather like, um, a moody teenager!

Mrsrobertduvall er, perhaps she hasn't mentioned it to you yet?

It might be different round here because the prom is held in the school. The school is in a small market town and the children come from villages for miles around. They all get fancy transport to the prom and they are picked up by parents and taken to the after prom party. Actually there were two parties last year. The one DS went to was in the next village to us and they had marquees and stuff and lots of adults.
I passed some of them walking home bleary eyed next morning on my way to work wink.

UseHerName Sat 11-May-13 09:17:59

i think tigoldbitties is the most sensible/balanced response yet

flow4 Sat 11-May-13 09:27:09

Jojo, you said she's your eldest so you're on new territory and it's not surprising you feel out of your depth. smile But you need to learn to handle situations like this better, or you're going to have a difficult few years.

She's stroppy and moody because this is very important to her, and she's never been in a situation like this before, and she doesn't know how to handle her feelings. Notice that that's pretty much exactly how you feel too, and you reacted in a similar way!

This is your opportunity to help her (and yourself!) learn to handle these difficult situations better. Instead of panicking and getting angry and shouting and refusing to talk to her, you could have said calmly "I don't want to talk to you tonight because I'm tired and annoyed with the way you've been behaving. Let's talk again in the morning. I'll need you to convince me you're thinking seriously about things like your safety and how you're getting home".

That way, you 'model' a calm, grown-up responses so she knows how it's done, and it gives both of you some thinking time, as well as much-needed cooling off time. smile

It's not too late. You can tell her you've realised you're both on new territory, so neither of you knew what to do, and you didn't handle it well. Then tell her you'd like her to talk to you about safety and some of your other worries...

Be aware that if you refuse point blank to let her go, she may well go anyway... Then she'll be much less safe, because she won't have agreed a plan with you, and she won't stay in touch.

januaryjojo Sat 11-May-13 18:01:42

Thanks everyone for your opinions, as I said it is all new to me this teenage stuff.

The after party thing came very late, prom was last night, so not even 48hours beforehand.

In the end we allowed her to go for a couple of hours.
We did not supply her with any drink.

Quick run down of this morning!!

I picked her up at 3.

At which point the "family" (or bouncers!!) were kicking kids out.

It wasn't quite carnage, but I think it was beginning to get to that point, I think the lads dad is a builder, it said construction at the beginning of the drive lane anyway, as I got halfway up the single track lane, there were people starting to come towards me, was a 5/6 lads and two largish blokes!

The lads were holding up another lad who was paralytic, I think they were being escorted off! Said lad started to hurl quite spectacularly next to my car.

One them said something to one of the blokes, didn't hear what, but the reply was, it ain't going on till six, its ending now!!

Anyway asked if I was ok to drive up, they said ok.

Pulled into a biggish forecourt, kinda countryside ish here.

As I reversed up, I could see down a ramp into the garden ( field ), about twenty kids milling about under floodlight.

Went to call DD, as I'd text her as I was leaving home, but she got in first and was calling me!

Anyway, she wasn't drunk!!!
But her friends appeared but didn't realise it was me obviously drunk, or as DD put it...wrecked.
They did rather loudly realise it was my car and me in it, which was quite amusing.

As we were leaving a police car was at the end of the drive lane.

Another girl friend of DD was staggering being held up by a lad, down the main lane road, when we were leaving which concerned me, so I reversed up the hill, but a car pulled up next to them so assume it was a parent?? (bearing in mind at midnight our street lights get turned off!! )

Anyway I flashed a car through a bridge, was another police car!!

Apparently she had to stop a lad "getting on" (?) her drunk friend, reminding said friend she has a serious boyfriend, said lad then tried to "get on" her, she him to F off!!

End of the story is she seen it not clever to get wasted, not that she likes alcohol much anyway!!

All in all, if she's sober she can handle that type of party, which I'm kinda glad about, she also had the sense when her phone wasn't working properly (scroller wouldn't work) so she couldn't text me, to ask one of the sober-er lads, (I think he is an ex bf, anyway I've met him a few times) if he still had my number and he somehow got her phone to ring mine.

She is currently in grovelling mode and spent most of the day in her room knackered, so a 6am end time would've killed her!!!!

Now she has to revise for her first exam Monday morning.

PiratePanda Sat 11-May-13 18:11:57

When I was 16, my best friend died in my arms of a drug overdose in the car after our after-prom party, as his brother sped towards the local hospital at 2 in the morning. Not only did our parents know where we were and have a phone number, they sent someone old enough to be sensible but not too old to be uncool to pick us up at a late but not too late time.

It made no difference.

There is no way in the world I would be letting her go to a party under the conditions you describe.

my daughter is lobbying for me to have an after prom party here, that's not going to happen, I would let her go if I was you, if you think she is sensible enough , she's 16 prom is a big deal to them all, yes they will drink but im sure she has had a drink, I know my daughter has, can you not compromise and say she can go and you will pick her up at 2.00am ?

sorry just realised I am late to this thread, im def not hosting an after prom party after reading that x

Slambang Sat 11-May-13 22:31:20

My little update if it's OK to gatecrash your party, January wink . Ds came back from his after party at 3.30am this morning seemingly sober and in one piece. He said it was starting to wind down but was still going when he left. The party was 'good'. Only one person threw up - the party host himself.

Seeing as in 2 years time our pfbs may well be living at uni or elsewhere without us being able to check their alcohol intake, friends' parents and party timings, I think that letting them start to spread their wings now and trial run a bit of responsibility is the only wayt to go.

januaryjojo Sat 11-May-13 23:51:48

Having spoken to DD today, it turns out paralytic girl was supposed to be taking home the other two friends, the girls who were rather drunk and loudly recognised me.

Said two girls then sat and cried because they didn't know PG had gone and left them with no way of getting home.

It was PG mother who I saw pull up in the lane.

In the end host lads dad had to drive the other two home.
I did say if i'd had known that, I'd have taken them with us.

Apparently PG had arrived before DD and her friends by half hour and was wasted by the time they got there.
She had a litre bottle of vodka!!!! shock

DD took it off of her when she got there and made her drink water, presumably she found more drink later.

Rosesandlemons Sat 11-May-13 23:58:55

Who calls their daughter a bitch. That seems a little harsh to me.

mrsjay Sun 12-May-13 09:55:25

find out where the party is who is there etc dd1 was 18 at her prom they do them in 6th year up here, so it was never an issue , TBH i wouldnt be happy with the all nighter but I would probably be ok with a 16 yr old going, say she is allowed a few drinks if she has too but I would be umming and ahhing too, I would probably not let her out all night

mrsjay Sun 12-May-13 09:56:37

ach i must read to the end of things blush

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 16:09:34

My 16 YO has been going to parties with alcohol since about 15. because she knows I am fair she trusts me to tell me where it is, what is really involved etc. So far she has been OK although has drank too much once or twice,, nothing too bad. And I am pretty strict. I just think if you are too strict they rebel and start lying to you.

mindgone Mon 13-May-13 00:45:48

My 16 yo DS went to an after prom party a week ago and had a great time! He took 2 small bottles of beer, but only drank one cos he didn't like it very much! Only boys were allowed to sleep over, he reckons he had about 1 1/2 hours sleep, so was wrecked tired the next day. I think it really helps if you know your child, and know their friends, and, as someone else has mentioned, they do need to learn how to behave, and what works for them before they go off to uni etc.

Startail Mon 13-May-13 01:31:05

Our local pubs and disco bars sometimes served us at 14 and always did by 15. (They knew our ages we went to school with their DCs)

Personally I think enforcing 18 is incredibly stupid, by our sixthform leaving day we knew how much it took to get us drunk, and just didn't (HT had explained that vanishing to the pub was fine, getting on our school buses rolling drunk was not fine).

Learning to drink at parties rather than with pub measures when we couldn't afford to get drunk is not ideal, but it's what the twat faced nanny state has left our Dcs with. All we can do is educate them, warn our DDs that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and warn are DS that they must stay sober enough to treat girls properly. Also, of course it's not bright to get so drunk you can't get home safely.

It was really odd realizing that as a total country bumpkin, I had far more idea who to look after myself at freshers than the Londoners. Having only been able to drink for a few months in very expensive bars they fell upon cheep uni booze and then fell about campus in wrecked heaps.

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