disciplining my 16yr old daughter

(20 Posts)
gasbag78 Fri 03-May-13 20:52:45

Hi I need some advice. After a number of years sounding like a broken record my daughter has pushed me to my limits, her best friend is having a party tomorrow which I said she could go to until I went into her room and found clothes(that she was supposed to put away) in a suitcase!!! I txt her & sed she wer'nt goin to the party now! She is lazy, she hardly helps me around the house, she's horrible to her brother too. She has now been too her friends house & told them that she is not aloudto go to party & gave me a letter off her friends mom asking if she can goo to party after I said she 's not going. She always does this, gets her friends to come to our house & ask me if she can go out knowing that she grounded etc. Why do I feel so bad? I let her get away with so much. I need some advice pls

if you have told her no stick to it, if you give mow she wont take any notice of you next time you punish her. Although im not sure why you are punishing her for putting clothes in a suitcase?

gasbag78 Fri 03-May-13 23:20:30

Thanx. My daughter always hides clothes
Everywere, under the bed, under her pillow, in the dirty laundry then tells me she has put them away & then she goes out with friends only for me to find the clothes not in the wardrobe but evry were else & Im forever telling her about only for it to happen like 3 days later & its like that
Constantly regardless of how many times tell her. I know I doesnt sound like much but after saying II want her to be able to look after herself later on in life

deleted203 Fri 03-May-13 23:37:09

TBH, whilst I'm generally one for sticking to your guns, I do think that banning her from her best friend's party for failing to put away her clothes is way over the top.

Hiding clothes is a slightly odd and sloppy habit, but 16 yo girls can be a hell of a lot worse, believe me. By the sound of it going to tell her friend she isn't allowed to go and bringing back a note asking if she can please attend is a fairly minor reaction, also.

She's not screaming 'fuck off you old cow, I'll do what I like!' in your face.

Personally I would sit down and have a calm conversation with her, explain that I'd reacted angrily in the heat of the moment and that I was prepared to re-negotiate letting her go to the party on condition that she tidied up her bedroom this weekend and accepted she needed to stay on top of the clothes issue.

gasbag78 Sat 04-May-13 07:45:26

Thanks guys much appreciated

claraschu Sat 04-May-13 07:49:47

I agree that this punishment seems like an overreaction.

Also, I have a problem with punishments that also hurt innocent bystanders. In this case you are punishing the friend, who will be very disappointed that your daughter can't come to her party.

I think this is unfair and inconsiderate to the friend. I would try to find a consequence which only affects your daughter, like temporarily taking away clothes unless they are put away.

DeafLeopard Sat 04-May-13 08:04:20

So party is tonight? Then she's got all day to sort out her cess pit if she really wants to go?

cory Sat 04-May-13 09:34:28

You seem to want to have a lot of control over the intimate details of your dd's life, like where she puts her clothes. I have a 16yo dd too, and I have to admit I don't really check up much on what she does in her own room at all: if she wants clothes washed, she will have to put them in the laundry basket, if she doesn't, tough. She will soon be an adult and have to decide for herself what levels of tidiness she wants to preserve in her own living space. As long as her untidiness doesn't impact on the rest of us, I tend to leave it.

I think this is a good age for picking your battles. If you pull out the big guns for something relatively small, then what are you going to do about serious misbehaviour?

insancerre Sat 04-May-13 09:46:27

agree with cory
I have a 16 year old dd and have been down this road, thankfully she has come out he other side a fantastcic teenager whom I am soo proud of.
But, it has been hell, and at times I hated her for what she was doing to the family and mostly herself.
Pick your battls and save the discipline for when you really need it. An untidy room is really the last of your worries.

mindfulmum Sat 04-May-13 11:21:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dear goodness all this over clothes not put away.

<looks at DD's bedroom. Shuts door and ignores>

You really need to pick your battles. And this isn't one I'd bother with. Make her see to her own clothes - laundry, ironing and make it her problem.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sat 04-May-13 12:33:45

Are you really fighting this much over clothes?

She is 16. Is she drinking, taking drugs, skipping school, shoplifting, joyriding, having unprotected sex with strangers, getting into trouble with the police?

If not, surely you can let her have her bedroom as she wants it, even if that means it's a mess shock.

If I was your dd I think I'd take the suitcase of clothes, go to the party and not come home. Legally there isn't a thing you could do about it.

gasbag78 Sat 04-May-13 13:52:49

Ok guys its not just about the clothes thing. She always lies about what she s done or doing and cant give me a straight
Answer wen I ask her something, the clothes was jut an example, Its not hard to put clothes away its more of trust issue. She is a good girl and id like to think I raised her well but wen she struggle to give me a straight answer do I believe her or not. I am goin to have a good convo withher so thanx for the input

gasbag78 Sat 04-May-13 13:53:26

I am gonna let her go to the party

insancerre Sat 04-May-13 13:57:56

yay!
the thing is, you have to trust her
she is 16, not 6
she can't behave like a nearly adult until you treat her like one
like maryz said, there is so much more that you could be arguing over

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sat 04-May-13 13:59:15

Now lying, that's another story.

Lying about the clothes doesn't matter. But if she is lying about where she is going, that's a problem. Unless of course she is lying because if she tells you the truth you will never let her go anywhere?

dd's friends fall into three groups. One lot whose parents seem to let them do and go anywhere they like, at any time. Another lot whose parents don't let them do or go anywhere (and they end up lying a lot).

And the third lot, like dd, who are pretty much given a lot of freedom as long as they stick to basic rules. dd has to tell me where she is going and who with, she has a set time to be home. As far as I know she has never lied, so now I never say no. I have learned to trust her [hopeful].

I do ignore a lot at home though. I don't go into her room if I can avoid it, I just wash whatever is put in the washing basket.

gasbag78 Sat 04-May-13 14:29:01

She does have a lot of freedom & tells me were shes going and who shes with & she has a set time to be bak home.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sat 04-May-13 14:48:49

It sounds like you are doing pretty well, so smile. She sounds like a great kid (with probably a bit of an issue with tidiness, but that isn't a massive problem, really).

ihearsounds Sat 04-May-13 14:53:03

If I grounded my dd2 for her clothes, she would have no social life.

I've given up nagging her. If she wants to live in a pig sty that is her problem. I don't even mention her clothes any more. If she hasn't got clean clothes or cannot find anything. Her problem.

Her mates rooms are the same.

Eventually they grow out of it and want to have their clothes nice.

chocoluvva Sat 04-May-13 16:12:04

My 16YO keeps telling me her plans for the amazing flat she's planning to live in when she's a student. It's going to be very tidy.

Her room is usually a tip.

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