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Son and pierced ear...(38 Posts)
Am I being unreasonable in not allowing my 15 yo son to have his ear pierced.
He, obviously, thinks I am, that I am too smothering and I never allow him to do anything.
He is Aspergers, so I guess that he is a bit right in some of his assertions.
But his ear pierced is a whole new level. He is trying to achieve a certain look, think cropped/shaved hair with etchings in, trainers, hoodies, baggy sweatpants etc and of course a diamond stud would be the cherry on top.
None of my friend's children dress anything like this - none of my son's friends at his school do either.
Would you let him?
I do know that it can be removed etc and that we shouldn't judge people etc. Of course I do. But... When it comes to people looking at my son in his chosen attire, I cringe to think what they might be thinking of him even though I know I shouldn't care.
I'm a snob aren't I?
I'd tell him he can have it done as a reward for doing well in his GCSEs. It may motivate him to work harder and he may well have gone off the idea by then :D
What does it matter what other people think when they look at him. They are not important. Good for him to wanting to be his own person, and to have the confidence to say I don't care what other people think. This is the person I want to be, and this is how I want to express myself, it's legal so I don't see the issue. Good for him for not being a sheep and going along with whatever everyone else does.
I say this as a parent with a 19 year old ds who got his ear pierced at 12.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts.
I do know that in theory that he could just go and do it himself (but in reality he cannot as he is Aspergers and it is not something he would be able to carry out).
The idea of encouragement for GCSEs is good but he turns 16 early in the new school year and is well aware that he can go and do it himself at that point.
I think my issue is two fold, I'm not keen on pierced ears on boys (and to the poster that mentioned a daughter - it is exactly the same for my one - we have agreed that when she is 16 she can have them done).
It is the overall look I am not keen on and I am well aware that I am being as judgmental as the people that I imagine judging him .
He has a difficult enough time as it is so I think I might just talk to him about it again and if he is determined I might just concede once some other desirable behaviour is displayed (like washing/homework)...
Thanks again for all your thoughts - much appreciated.
Agree pick your battles. Not everyone has the same taste, it's not a tatoo.
I think it makes sense to treat it in the same way as if it were a 15yo dd. That you personally have a thing about men with pierced ears is not exactly a parenting issue: it's more about personal preference. I absolutely hate side whiskers but I wouldn't try to stop ds from growing them.
Otoh I have always told my dc that they can only have their ears pierced when they are old enough to make their own minds up about the
small health risks and whether they are worth it. Which to me means at least 15.
At least with pierced ears the damage is not irreversible: dh had one ear done in his twenties and it hardly shows now, certainly not something somebody would notice in a job interview.
You can get magnetic earnings, maybe let him have those for a while, he might get fed up of loosing them
I'd let him have it done (rather than risk him doing it himself as I did as a teen!) and take no notice of it..and he'll probably get bored with it pretty quickly.
Whatever your personal preference, he's a teen and asserting his own 'style' no matter how much is makes you cringe The more fuss you make the more inclined he might be to go for more permanent alterations!
I have 4 teens.. girls had their ears pierced at about 13 and so I had no leg to stand on when DS1 wanted his done at 15. Then at 16 he started to stretch them I absolutely hated it but figured that anything negative would just make him more determined so just reminded him to keep them clean etc , and when he got a p/t job at 16 he had to take them out for work anyway.
he stretched them to 8mm...(quite a big hole) but then forgot a few times and they started to shrink. Eventually at 17 he gave up bothering and the holes have COMPLETELY disappeared.. :D
He has now passed his 'I want to look cool and alternative' phase too and is actually quite a decent looking young man...
So I'd say don't sweat it.. it's small stuff!
Thanks for the extra responses
He hasn't mentioned it since Friday but it is only a matter of hours when he does so again.
I think I will become more laid back about it. His sister keeps telling him not to do it so will need to deal with her and her perceptions of other people.
Low key is the way to go I think and hope he outgrows it in the next couple of years.
Thanks all of you - you told me what I knew already really but it is very helpful to have perspective from others.
To be honest I'd have less trouble with the earring than I would with the cropped/shaved hair with etchings in, trainers, hoodies, baggy sweatpants etc most of all the etched hair.
That look sends the wrong messages.
A smart look with an earring is much less aggressive.
Another one here saying pick your battles.....a pierced ear is one of the lesser things he could do. My ds hasn't got one, he didn't want one (even when my 80 year old mother suggested he got one.....now THAT was something I didn't see coming, thankyou mother!) but I wouldn't have objected if he had. My rule is that he has nothing that can't be reversed, please no tattoos!
Wouldn't worry me, TBH. When I was this age (30 years ago) nearly all the lads had a pierced ear.
Seems a minor and harmless want to me. Might have issues if he wanted a 'stretcher' in it, or whatever it is they call them so that they end up with a hole the size of a 10p piece.
Gush on about how cool you think he'll look. Send your dh/dp/elderly male rellie to get it done at the same time - or mention that you're thinking of getting your nips pierced and see if you can get a double appointment.Request his sage advice on fashion.
He'll spoon have second thoughts.
I'd let him too. Pick your battles.
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