Feel ive come right back down with a bump..

(46 Posts)
gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:18:26

I'm starting a new post..partly because things haven't progressed but i need to deal with one particular point and two i want to log whats going on.

Basically dd hasn't been happy living with me since i left her (step) dad. I got a new partner who shall we say she hates BUT this has calmed down and there is no involvement between them and hasnt been for a long time..she does her bits with me and he stays out of her way as such. My ex is constantly telling me to get my current partner to move out as blames us being together as to why shes like she is, but dd has been on hols with us etc shes just decided she doesnt like him and feels like she is betrying her dad which is understandable.

Things were ok plodding along but lately dd seems to have got quite moody again like teenagers do, however with this is the rudeness, the swearing and the now ignoring me. As some of you know i im a childminder and she is not allowed in the house while im working. This was partly due to her wanting to be out later but i will not have my job jepordised. This has worked ok but the new things i am trying to deal with are..

In the hols Dd text me to say if i didnt let her home early she would report me to SS..apparantly it's illegal to make her stay out till late (she asked and was agreed to come in at 7pm) 90% of the time she is late so i said no i needed time to clean up after work (as she wont do anything to help) and she wanted to stay out (threatened not to come back on time in the past). This was ok and she does come back at 7 but more and more its getting later.

Next prob is she wants to live with here dad. He has said no as not enough room ( he has a friend lodger) but when this lodger has gone she can move in. I said no but maybe we could compromise on shared care may work..i have been asked for CSA, tax credits, child ben, portion of wages etc despite him never giving me a penny..this started a huge row at the weekend and i told him she was not living with him, She was so rude to me shouting at me despite seeing i was upset telling me he had told her stuff about me etc and he was always right. I called him and he told me to deal with it on my own. I decided i was banging my head against a wall so calmed myself down and calmly asked her to do the washing up. She said no..i left her and returned 10 mins later and asked her again, she was on her mobile to someone (her dad pays for this and she thinks she is invincible with it)..she shooed me out and i asked her how long she would be on the phone..she said 'get out' to which i said 'i want you do do it you do nothing else youve got 15 mins on the phone' to which she said 'what you going to do about it'..i said 'take your phone off you' she said 'if you come anywhere near me ill tell everyone you hit me' i was in shock and walked out very upset she could be like this.

For those of you that watch coronation street you will know there is a story line on there similar (that i shouldnt have watched last night) BUT as far as im aware dd doesnt watch it (unless at her dads). I want to just try and drum in how much damage it could do me but am scared the more i say the more i might give her ideas so have tried to keep my distance from her.

Ideas please as feeling really down today as to how to deal with this now.

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 13:22:17

Is your daughter really not allowed in her own house while you are working? sorry just wanted to clarify.

How does your DP respond to your daughter?

NotALondoner Thu 18-Apr-13 13:29:09

How old is she? I feel sorry for her actually.

DwellsUndertheSink Thu 18-Apr-13 13:33:24

You keep her out the house until 7? Where is she supposed to go? Im not surprised she is kicking off - sounds like she is not wanted at home.

Asinine Thu 18-Apr-13 13:34:51

Why are you child minding if you can't have your own dcs in the house? I don't understand why your dd has to be out of the house.

Me neither. She can't feel very wanted.

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:36:01

Ok quite shocked at the responces? I start work at 8.30am and shes already left for school but after school she has always wanted to be otu with her friends which was ok until she started not coming back. We agreed 7pm was the latest to come back. Before the 7pm she used to walk in and be quite abusive infront of the children i mind so i told her she could stay out till 7. She goes to her dads or friends.

She is nearly 15..why do you feel sorry for her out of interest?

CarpeVinum Thu 18-Apr-13 13:36:25

Can you please clarify what time she must leave the house and what time she is allowed back in again ?

I also may have missed where you siad how old she was.

How long have you been with your new partner, and does he live in the family home ? How long between the split between her step dad and you before she started sharing her home with the new man in your life?

Just trying to get a feel for how things got to this point and what if any factors may be contibuting to strife and upset.

Asinine Thu 18-Apr-13 13:37:16

Is your partner in the house when you are child minding? What did she do in the cold, snowy weather? Please explain, I don't understand your op.

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:38:15

dwellsunderthesink she is at school all day?
asinine if i looked after your child would you be happy about her being in a house with a child that swore?
She is wanted what a silly thing to say, thought this site was supposed to be supportive?

CarpeVinum Thu 18-Apr-13 13:38:58

I start work at 8.30am and shes already left for school

Is that also during the holidays? As in you require your daughter to leave the house at 8.30 am in the holdiays despite her not having school to go to, becuase of your work? Or did I totally misunderstand that bit ?

I am also a bit confused over her threatening you with SS becuase she felt you were wrong to make her stay out so late, but then you say she doesn't respect the 7pm curfew you have agreed with her.

DwellsUndertheSink Thu 18-Apr-13 13:44:02

She's not allowed in the house until 7, and has to find somewhere else to eat, get changed, do her homework. She cant have mates over or sit and chat on her computer.

WHile she might have broken curfew before, and she may have been abusive to you before, maybe its time to start afresh and tell her to come home after school, welcome her, dont expect her to be your skivvy, let her get on with her homework (must be y9/y10) and relax in her own room. Otherwise you are NOT being a supportive parent, and you are treating her poorly. No wonder she wants to be at her dads - what is there at home for her?

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:44:19

She leaves for school at 7.30 (her choice to meet friends early) and i start work at 8.30. She finishes at 3pm but since the swearing started she wasnt alloed to return until ive finished at 6 so she goes to her dads or out with friends. She is always late too so obviously not in a hurry to come back.
My partner moved in 6 months after we split. She was fine with him and like i said we went on holidays etc but she literally just decided one day she ddnt like him. No he isnt normally here although im not sure why that matters..he works 6am-6pm most days.
We havent had snow where we live, she was offered to come out every day with me in the holidays as obviously not at school but refused every day and went out with friends or to her dads.

DwellsUndertheSink Thu 18-Apr-13 13:46:12

all I can see, looking at this from a teenagers POV, is you pushing her away.

New bloke
Not allowed in the house

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:47:51

She wont come home before 7 can you not see why i am upset she threatens SS at me when i am offering her to be here?

She has plenty of time to do homework at her dads as wouldnt do it here when she came home early. This resulted in her not doing it at his as he doesnt check and i was called into school. We have had SS involved before, my ex called them..they said she was attention seeking and 2 of them actually said she was a 'little madam' so i really dont think i havent tried. If i text her saying come home early do you know what i last got as a responce..'f off' or nothing..completely ignored.

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 13:48:34

Weve been together 3 years sorry forgot to add that in

Asinine Thu 18-Apr-13 13:56:01

Op
So she's not allowed in because of swearing. Has she had a chance to show you she can improve her behaviour recently? For example, if you'd grounded her for swearing, eventually you'd have to give her another chance. How can you turn things around if she's not around?

So in your view ideally, she would come in at 7, and then how would you all spend the evening? Do you have time together to chat about your day, her day? Do you eat together? I have a dd that age-she has a lot of homework, sport and activities, but she still needs family time.

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 14:04:11

Your missing the point. She IS allowed in now if she wants to but chooses not to. BUT only last week she walked out the front door and i said 'have a good day' (she was going out with a friend' i got the responce of 'f off you b****?? really obviously you guys think i deserve that.
Yes i talk to her when shes in but i get ignored..literally ignored or 'dunno' 'nothing' I offer to cook her dinner she refuses as is dieting or we have no decent food but yes when shes in the mood she will sit with me...we have more food that anyone i know so lost on that one.
My partner is not here 2-3 nights a week as he sees his kids yet despite just me she doesnt want to do anything. Only saturday were we supposed to be going shopping and she had rung her dad behind my back, ran out the door and they drove off?

CarpeVinum Thu 18-Apr-13 14:04:47

When you decided the swearing around young children issue had to be dealt with, what arrangments did you make so she had a place to go ? Did you sort out an arrangment with her dad, or one/a couple of her friend's parents ?

When you say six months, do you mean you left her step father (presumably the man she grew up seeing as her father figure), met somebody else and he moved in all within a six month timeframe, or do you mean you left her father and after a period of time met this new partner and that was the start of the six month period before he moved in.

I'm trying to get an idea of what the transition period was during wht for her was likely a high stress period.

I'm still a bit hazy on some of the details, but what you might be looking at is the known ramifications of stressful and traumatic life events on children over seven. While there may be distance of years between the actual event and negative outcome, it is far from unusual for children to demonstrate lowered educational attainment, well being issues and emotional stability in their teenage years.

While I appreciste you need your income and have to protect the children in your care, I think it is possible that she may feel like she comes last in your priorities. It may be that the banning from the home brought back feelings of not being the priority when there was a swift transition from you seeing new people and moving them ito the family home.

Perhaps a first step to reassure her that she is a priority is making arrangments for somebody to be avialble to provide care and shelter for her when you are working and she cannot enter her home. She may not avail herselfof those arrangments, but it might at least be viewed as some small evidence that she isn't as low down your list of priorities as she believes herself to be ?

Are there reasons other than econmic as to why you don't feel she should live with her step father? What concerns do you have about her living full time in his home ? Is she aware of those concerns ?

NatashaBee Thu 18-Apr-13 14:15:13

Technically, you cannot stop her from living at her dad's (as long as he is willing to allow her to move in, of course). I can see why it's difficult to have her around the house if her behaviour is inappropriate for the children you're minding, but of course being a teenager she's going to turn that into you not wanting her around, in her head.

Asinine Thu 18-Apr-13 14:17:40

Sorry I was confused about whether she was or wasn't supposed to be home.

She wasn't allowed home before 7 originally because of swearing, but now you do want her home before seven. Now she's coming home after 7 and is still swearing. She wants to live at stepdads and is threatening making up stuff about you to social services.

What consequences does she get for swearing? is she behaving ok at school?
What do you want to happen?

You sound upset. I think people are genuinely trying to help you, it's just hard when we haven't got the full picture.

gabyjane Thu 18-Apr-13 14:19:18

carpevinum

Yes me her dad and her sat down and discussed what the best options would be, times places etc its worked ok hence me being thrown on the SS threat as we were doing in a way what she wanted..she doesnt really like children so it seemed a good compromise.

Yes 6 months in total..i do not want a lecture on how soon that is as i know BUT she was fine with it at the time and continued to be so up until recently so what was i supposed to do?

In the holidays she is not banned from being here SHE chooses to go out. I dont know any of my friends who have children this age who spend time with them nevermind with my job, she says is embarrasing being out with them BUT she was offered every day and said no every time...what should i do drag her in the car..ive dont that in the past to make her spend time with me and she sat in the car for 4 hours??

Her dad totally undermines me (this is the main reason why he is like she is) he tells her i deserve to be unhappy as shouldnt have left me. Anything he can he tries to make me the bad guy. I tell her his feelings he should keep to himself and not involve her but she hets her ammunition from him. If i say shes grounded in the past hes taken her out and told her 'i wont punish you' but doesnt have to deal with her like i do. No it is not about the money its about her and i dont feel he will do anything but totally poison her against me.

TumbleWeeds Thu 18-Apr-13 14:25:42

I am wondering if you have a snow ball effect here.
So you split up and then a new man moves in within 6 months. She decides that she hates him as he is stopping you from getting back with here dad.
All quite normal from a 12yo (I suppose she was at the time?).
She is unhappy about it, tension in the house starts as she is moody etc (+teenage hormones).
As she is getting more and more moody, you become stricter and stricter (on her pov) with more and more telling off.
Up to the point where you tell her she can't be in the house whilst you are working as you want to protect the children you are minding (Forgetting it is a teenage dd, everyone on here would support you for this approach).
So she spends more time out with friends or at her dad's.
Whilst at her dad's, I am guessing she isn't asked to do anything, atmosphere is more relaxed so... she concludes you are totally unreasonable, gets very angry against you, cue for more swearing etc...
The fact your ex doesn't want to support you doesn't help.

She wants to be at her dad'd but you are refusing (Once again you are going against what she wants).

A few things there.
- She is 15yo and as such should be able to have a word to say as to who she is living with. She is already spending a lot of time at your ex and clearly finds it more attractive.
- She has felt pushed away again and again. And that her pov isn't important enough (new guy moving in, when she can be in the house, what she has to do etc etc) Hence the anger and the swearing etc...

I would like to know, what do you want to achieve with your dd? no swearing in the house? A good relationship with your dd? To be sure she is safe and respect a 'last time back at home' hour?

Depending on what is your ultimate goal you will to tackle it in a different way. But the fact she is getting very menacing (I will call SS saying you've hit me) tells me she is nowhere near ready to listen to you atm and to implement anything that will requires effort on her part for your convenience (even if it is 'not swearing in front of children')

TumbleWeeds Thu 18-Apr-13 14:27:52

xpost.

Are you saying that actually what is happening is that your ex is using her to get at you ?

TumbleWeeds Thu 18-Apr-13 14:28:40

Do you need to have her dad involved in arrangements? Could you find a solution between you and your dd without involving him at all?

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