Dd - acting younger than peers

(22 Posts)
fivesacrowd Mon 15-Apr-13 14:36:02

Started thread in chat but think I need some experienced teen parent perspective - dd not been invited to pals birthday party. Nothing wrong with that, I've had many a party where everyone can't be invited. But, she's really upset as she walks to school with this girl everyday and thought they were really good pals. Two families have met up, younger brothers are friends. So, I txt the mum to say has dd offended your dd in some way, surprised she wasn't invited to party. The mum txt back to say its just close friends, my dd not part of group, they're all much more mature than her so she doesn't fit in. My dd devastated. We re talking small 14 yo, into music & musical theatre, straight A student, lovely to be around - I don't particularly want her to rush into the horrible teen bit. Wwyd?

alpinemeadow Mon 15-Apr-13 14:45:05

My sympathies, these party things can be so hurtful (even though we know not everyone can be invited!) and the realisation that a friend doesn't see you in quite the same way as you can leave anyone reeling - not just teenagers!
In what way are the others more mature, do you think? Did the other dd's mother explain more? i would be inclined to agree you don't want to be encouraging your dd to be more 'grown up' - she has to be her own person, and as someone else on mn put it, the right people will find her. does she have other friends who are more into her stuff - music, theatre etc?

alpinemeadow Mon 15-Apr-13 15:03:29

Ive just seen your other thread in chat - i wonder if whats happening is that the other girl does really like your dd (as mum says) but thinks that the other girls dont have anything in common with dd, so hasn't invited her on this occasion - but this doesn't mean she doesn't want to be friends, just that she doesn't see dd as part of this particular group? i see its not actually a birthday party, just 'some friends round' so it's not quite such an exclusion as it might be.

i think i would be saying to dd something on those lines - don't 'give up' on the other girl, stay friendly, but maybe look for other friends elsewhere as well - could she invite someone from her drama group, who she might have more in common with?

It can be quite difficult for the girls who aren't interested in things like shopping, make up and so on at this age - there are likeminded girls around, but it can take a lot of effort to find them! Your dd's doing the right thing by going to drama group etc though - is there a group at school she could join as well? Choir?

fivesacrowd Mon 15-Apr-13 15:47:15

Thanks for lovely replies - might get dd to read them later. quote from txt ... Rest all into "clothes, hair, makeup & shopping & your dd doesn't share same interests" "she's always been a bit of an outsider with the group". Chatted to a few friends in rw on school run - all think its a bit Mean Girls. Don't think I'd want her to be that shallow tbh and can't believe a mum who I thought was on the same wavelength as me thinks its ok to justify her dd behaving like this. Think she was going to choir but pulled out because others did. Know she stuck in at history club & the school show despite the others pulling out. Oh dear! Day 1 of new term and not a great start.

ParmaViolette Mon 15-Apr-13 16:00:17

I think you better see this as an opportunity to make some nicer friends who she shares interests with.

A choir or a theatre group would be good.

BackforGood Mon 15-Apr-13 17:51:00

Am very surprised you got involved in this! She's 14!!!!
My dd walks to school with someone who lives just up the road from us - it makes sense, they live near each other, it's company for each other. The like each other, and they get on. However, it dosn't mean that dd has to invite her to all things she does with people (she does, as it happens) or that the other girl has to invite dd to all things she does (she doesn't). It's perfectly normal to have friends in different 'circles'. dd often gets invited to other things by different girls who don't invite the 'neighbour'. It's life.
I sometimes invite some people to lunch / party / whatever social do it is, but not other groups of friends. It is no reflection on any kind of "level" of how much I like them, but purely to do with who is invited on that event.
To text the mother and ask why not is just unbelievable in my world.

usualsuspect Mon 15-Apr-13 17:55:51

I don't think you should get involved in a 14 year olds social life.

Prawntoast Mon 15-Apr-13 18:01:57

I think you need to look at DC's friendships as a Venn diagram. There will be some individuals that overlap into other groups and some that never do. My DD isn't quite a teenager yet but she has many varied interests, some of which she shares with some friends and some with others. I would say though that whilst I would give her a shoulder to cry on literally and figuratively if she needed it, I wouldn't get involved in trying to sort out any friendship issues. They need to learn to sort it out for themselves.

bigTillyMint Mon 15-Apr-13 18:08:01

I agree about not getting involved in a 14yo's friendships/social life. Friendships can change a lot through the teenage years - I have seen it happening with my DD. She is very clear about where she stands in different social circles. I have never even seen some of her friends - she sorts out her social life!

Although the other mum has been blunt, at least you have a reason why now - it sounds like your DD needs to branch out and find other friends who are more like her.

fivesacrowd Mon 15-Apr-13 18:12:18

Right, group of about 10 girls, dd thought she was part of group. Sees this girl out of school, families get together, walk to school together. Dd would have described her as one of her best friends. If I didn't know the mum as well as I thought I did, I wouldn't have got involved. Of all the girls in group dd closest to this one, helped her through some bullying stuff, always been there for her. Didn't get involved simply because she wasn't invited - got involved because she thought she'd done something to offend her and had no idea what. And if she had upset her in some way it was better we found out what and tried to remedy the situation before the families all meet up on Saturday. Bit more complicated than simply "getting involved in her social life".

usualsuspect Mon 15-Apr-13 18:44:18

I still think you need to back off and let her sort her own friendships out.

usualsuspect Mon 15-Apr-13 18:45:56

Unless their was major bullying going on, I kept well out of my teenagers friendship woes.

BackforGood Mon 15-Apr-13 18:53:58

Teen friendships in particular, move. Then they move again, then they move again. As PrawnToast said. it's a bit like a Venn Diagram (not heard that before, but like it).
My 14yr old dd went up to secondary with 3 friends she had been really, really close to, throughout Primary (to the extent all the families went away for a weekend at the end of Yr6), but since they've moved, they are just no longer that close. Never fallen out, just other friendships have evolved. Still see the others occasionally, and obviously I know the other Mums well and still see them occasionally, but none of us would interfere in the girls' friendships.
As Usual says, unless 1 child was completely isolated and friendless, then stay out.

Just posted on your thread in chat fivesacrowd, but just wanted to say I don't think you did anything wrong by getting involved. I've only had about a month's worth of experience with my foster daughter but I would and have gotten involved in her friendship issues- again, because I knew the parents, and as a result she now has someone she talks to sometimes at lunchtime and is settling down a bit. They're not exactly friends, but they're getting to know each other, getting on well and it's a start. I'm certainly glad I did it. I do agree they need to be mostly independent at this age and can't rely on their parents to fight all their battles for them, but I do think on certain occasions it's OK to intervene and I don't think you should beat yourself up about doing so on this occasion.

bigTillyMint Mon 15-Apr-13 19:18:24

OK, I can see how awkward it might be if you are close family friends too.

How do you feel now the other mum has told you what the reasons are?

fivesacrowd Mon 15-Apr-13 20:19:13

Bit stunned really as had no idea that was how her dd felt. However, in her txt she kept talking to the whole group and I can't see how she's in a position to talk for a group of 14 yr olds that she doesn't know.

bigTillyMint Mon 15-Apr-13 20:55:59

Perhaps she's just going on what her DD says? Do you feel that her DD is "older" or just interested in different stuff to your DD now? They all mature at different rates, and develop their personalities in different ways, so it is possible that they feel that your DD doesn't "fit" with them at the moment. But I'm sure there are other girls that she would "fit" withsmile

Will you be seeing the mum soon?

cory Tue 16-Apr-13 08:47:06

I feel horribly guilty here because my friend is still wondering why her ds is no longer invited to my ds' parties. The truth is that I bullied ds into inviting him for years but he has now come to the end of his tether. And if I had to express it to my friend, I probably would come up with something like your friend.

Basically, ds (about to turn 13) and his friends have now come to a stage in life where their tastes have changed. They like to sit around talking, indulging in endless discussions of football fixtures and likely form of individual players, they like to watch the news and discuss politics, go into town or to the cinema on their own, they are interested in girls. My friend's ds is still at the rumbunctious puppy stage where he spends a lot of time rolling around in playfights, he wants to play with toys which ds had put away years ago and they can't have a teen conversation with him. Ds says it's impossible to keep everybody happy at the same time and that a party on those terms just becomes very hard work for him.

I broke up with my best friend at this age, after I'd realised that our friendship was based on my pretending all the time, pretending to be interested in the things she was and never mentioning the things I really cared about because she couldn't understand them. We get on very well as adults, because we have more general adult experiences in common, but we will never be best friends again because I can not follow where she has gone and she can not follow me.

It may be that your dd and one or two of her friends will find each other later on in life. Dd is now much closer to her bf from infant school, but there were a couple of years when they were drifting apart because they had very little in common: fortunately, they both made other friends to fill the gap.

mrsjay Tue 16-Apr-13 09:11:56

I don't think you should get involved in a 14 year olds social life.

^ ^ that why would you she is 14 she doesn't need to be friends with these girls if it isn't working out,
so what if your dd is a little immature she may not be it maybe just how she is being made out by the other girls , these girls are not her friends she gets on ok with 1 of them let your dd try and find her own friends with the same interests as her, I had a dd like another poster , the girls walked to school together for 6 years didnt mean they were best buddies, direct your dd to things she likes and wants to do not what the other girls want, and a parent saying it is all a bit 'mean girls' isn't that mature is it it .

bigTillyMint Tue 16-Apr-13 13:09:38

Cory, that was exactly what I was thinking!

Jimalfie Fri 19-Apr-13 09:13:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Fri 19-Apr-13 09:18:43

IT is good when they dont 'fall out' and they have a natural moving away instead iyswim

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