How much driving around is reasonable?

(35 Posts)
purpleroses Sun 24-Mar-13 09:51:40

DSD (15) has a boyfriend she's been with about a year. Since September he's moved to sixth form so they only get to see each other at weekends. We live in the centre of town, near to the school that they both went to (and near his sixth form) but his family live more than half an hour's drive away in the middle of nowhere.

The BF used to get lifts in to ours a fair bit from his parents, and we ran DSD out there sometimes so they could see each other. But lately his parents have apparently been refusing to bring him over, or give DSD lifts to or from his. She says they don't approve of the relationship and think he should concentrate on his studies. This seems a bit harsh to me, as he's lower sixth age and doing well at school as far as I gather. Definitely not a tearaway.

Anyway, it's meant that DSD is desperately pleading for lifts to and from his so they can spend time together. This means a round trip of over an hour twice in a day. We have other DCs too who need our time, and DP is understandably reluctant to keep doing all the driving. But we both feel a bit sorry for DSD if we say no. Also feel a bit miffed that BF's parents couldn't be more helpful - as we live in the nearest town to them where you'd assume they might have some reason to drive into anyway, whereas they've chosen to live in the middle of nowhere.

And no, there isn't any public transport option available (only with a six mile cycle ride first - which BF could do at a push I guess, but DSD obviously can't do if she's coming from this end, so wouldn't have a bike with her)

Would you do that level of driving to help out a teenage relationship?

purpleroses Mon 25-Mar-13 15:51:00

4 A levels is the norm at his school I think - but 5 if they do double maths which is always thought of more like 1.5 A levels. It's a private school so I assume as they're shelling out lots of money on him they probably do have quite high expectations. Can't help feeling that when I was 17 if I'd been told I wasn't allowed out for weeks on end because I should be studying, I'd probably have left home!

Interesting point about the timing of mock results though secret - thanks - I'm not familiar with A level timings so wasn't aware of that. It has just been the last few weeks that things have changed. Another thing I could pick up on with DSD to find out whether that is the reason.

Oh, and we do get a few favours - mostly babysitting - out of DSD in return for all the lifts grin (but we can't do bus part way as the buses go right near our house - that's no the problem - it's the other end she'd need the lift from, so that would have to be BF's parents)

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 25-Mar-13 15:55:56

lljk! grin

It might not be...Normal for Norfolk?

purpleroses not mock results, real AS modules. So lower than expected grades would mean resits and lots of extra work.
IIjkk DS1 is doing five AS and probably four A levels. Not private school, just bog standard sixth form.

chocoluvva Mon 25-Mar-13 16:28:43

The thing is, your feelings about the reasonableness or unreasonableness of his parents' actions aren't relevant. He's their child not yours. They don't have to justify themselves to you or your DSD and you only have her take on it,

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 25-Mar-13 16:36:56

When you say double Maths, are you meaning Maths and Further Maths, OP?
Because that's a very challenging course in its own right, DD had to really pull out all the stops and she normally cruises.
Chocoluvva is right, you may say

'Can't help feeling that when I was 17 if I'd been told I wasn't allowed out for weeks on end because I should be studying, I'd probably have left home! '

but some teenagers see the logic behind the decision, and know it is for a finite, relatively short time for a good outcome.
Who knows, driving lessons may be one of the carrots on offer.

purpleroses Mon 25-Mar-13 19:02:02

Yes I mean maths and further maths. I guess I'd not really given much thought to how concerned his parents may be. DSD just seems to sail through everything - already has A* GCSE maths under her belt, predicted clean sweep of A*s at GCSE despite loads of clubs and activities and a busy social life, and doesn't appear to need much parental input into making sure she studies. So we really just let her be and organise her own life. But of course not all kids are like that. (My own DS certainly isn't!) And A-levels are harder than GCSEs.

Would seem fair enough that BF should cut down on socialising, but not to see your GF for two months (unless her parents will do all the driving) seems a bit harsh. And truth is I'm really not that clear on how welcome she is round there - so hard to know whether we're undermining them, or just helping them out by meaning DSD is the one doing all the travelling.

DP says he did say a brief hello to them when picking her up on Sunday, and noticed DSD was being ultra polite and meek around them - not sure if that's to try and get back in their good books for some reason.

chocoluvva Mon 25-Mar-13 19:25:16

Sorry, I posted too soon. I don't mean to come over all harsh, but you really don't know anything more than the things your DSD chooses to tell you. I don't doubt that she's polite and successful but a 15YO's judgement and perception of situations is likely to be immature. There could be any number of things going on in her BF's home - they may (rightly or wrongly) think your DSD is a 'bad influence'.... They might have different values from you about lots of things and not want the family influence 'threatened' by a young girl who will possibly have a different boyfriend this time next year.

I'll never forget my 15YO DD coming home from her BF's and telling me that his mum had told them that I was overprotective of her because she's my first child. Or his mum sitting beside me at a school concert asking if I'd "extend their curfew". angry

Also there's the principle of keeping things in perspective - your DSD and her BF will probably break up sooner or later. You might look back and regret all the trouble you've gone to then for a boy you might never set eyes on again.
Many parents feel that a 'serious' relationship at that age may result in their DC's missing out on other things;socially, academically.... Your family should not come second to the convenience of your DSD and her BF.

purpleroses Tue 26-Mar-13 21:42:05

Just been on FB - it says DSD "went from being in a relationship to single" shock

So looks like either his parents have stamped on the relationship, or else there was more to it anyway than his not being able to get lifts.

Poor DSD sad She's supposed to be going to his birthday party this week and to a festival in the summer with him.... She's at her mum's now. I'll have to wait til Thursday when she's here next to find out what's gone on. Guess you guys were right about teenage relationships not often lasting long. It had been a year though.

On the plus side, at least we'll have less driving to do confused

auforfoulkesake Wed 27-Mar-13 09:35:04

aw, may be it was all an excuse by the boy, hope she gets over him soonest. plenty plenty more fish in the sea

chocoluvva Wed 27-Mar-13 09:36:30

Aww sad It's horrible seeing your DC's (or SDC's, I'm sure) being upset by a BF/GF. Hopefully she'll surprise you by bouncing back very quickly.

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