Help! Daughter's controlling boyfriend

[tez39]

I really need to talk and get some advice regarding my 16 year old daughter. She has this boyfriend (same age) they have been together for 13 months, but he is very controlling of her. He has slept with about 20 other girls whilst in a relationship with her, gave her an STI, won't let her wear make up, calls her names all the time, isn't allowed to go out with any of her friends, isn't allowed to wear anything that shows her bum off or any skin (even in the summer) constantly accuses her of cheating, the list goes on an on, I found out yesterday he has slapped her round the face and she has also ended up in hospital as she tried to kill herself!! yet she begs for him to be with her all the time, if she does leave him it only lasts for a day as he constantly rings her or messages her on facebook telling her he loves her etc! I have talked to her until I am blue in the face so has her dad. I have tried banning her from seeing him...she sneaks behind my back and does it. I have told him he isnt welcome in or near my house ever again. I really am so worried that she will take her life, she has gone from a bubbly popular girl to a girl that never goes out unless its to him, never smiles and lies to me all the time. I cry at night because I know this boy has ruined her already and that i'm supposed to protect her but I feel like i am failing. I was hoping that eventually she will open her eyes and realise he will never change but 13 months later she is no nearer to doing that I really do not know how to help my daughter :(

[TheBrocoliIsStillRaw]

I really feel for you. I have been in a similar position to your daughter. At the time I felt that it was him and I against the world so the more people said anything against him the more it reinforced that view. My ex was very manipulative he made me feel like my family didn't really care and much prefered my brother. He would also threaten to take his life if I left. That can be a big responsibility on 16 year old shoulders. IMO the most important thing you can do is remind her that you love her and that she can always talk to you.

Sorry my advice isn't great I can only go off my own experience but hopefully someone with better advice will be along soon.

[flow4]

Tez, how frightening for you. It is so difficult when they start to make bad choices, and we can't stop them. Broccoli, I think the insights of someone who has been in this situation are incredibly valuable. What got you out of that relationship in the end?

[TheBrocoliIsStillRaw]

It was a silly thing in the end he had given me some rent money to look after and then came home from work very drunk and wanted to go out and got quite violent. (He was older than me I was 16 he was 21 when we met) I had to phone my dad to bring the money. I had never told them about the violence before. When my dad got there he had left so my dad kindly said to me why don't I come home and we would have a take away. In the car he asked me why we hadn't gone for the meal we had planned I said I didn't know and he said he wasn't making me his priority.

Next day he told me he was sat outside his flat and had no key. I got the bus and when I got there he was nowhere to be seen. The first thing I did was look over the road to see if the pub was open and suddenly realised if I didn't get out now the violence, emotional abuse and feeling so completley helpless and afraid would always be my life. So I posted the key through the letter box and I never went back.

I honestly belive if my dad had not been so calm and supportive if he had demanded I came home or shouted about him I would never of seen the light. Just knowing they where there and they loved and supported me gave me the chance to see the reality for myself and the courage to end it.

[flow4]

That doesn't sound silly; it sounds like self-preservation kicked in, if a bit late.

Tez, can you focus on building your DD's self confidence? I think a lot of teenagers feel really quite bad about themselves, and that leaves them vulnerable to self-harm and other problems, including abusive relationships. If you can help her boost her confidence, she may feel she deserves better than this.

There's a newish campaign about violence in teenage relationships... It might be worth googling to see if there's any guidance...

[TheBrocoliIsStillRaw]

That's a really good point flow, I had very little self confidence when I met him and I think that played a huge part in the dynamics of the relationship.

[nickstmoritz]

Tez39 What a horrible situation. Do your DD and this boy go to the same school/college? Or does she manage to have some time without him around during the day? Could you talk to a member of staff there to let them know what he is doing. It is serious. Maybe they could have a focus on controlling or violent relationships at school so that it gets all the class talking about it (without singling out your DD) or school could help your DD with some one to one support.

Do you know/have met his parents? Would they be the sort of people you could have a talk with. They might be shocked by his behaviour. My other thought is what about involving the police if he ever hits her again? Although I'm not sure..would this help or make things worse? Hopefully someone with more experience of this kind of thing will be able to post.

I have seen ads from that campaign on young relationships and they are quite powerful. Hope this doesn't seem trite because I realise it is a bit of a crap film but I watched "sleeping with the enemy" with DD and it got us talking about boys/men that control.

Is there any way you could try and encourage DD to see her friends and be away from him. Peer support would be great.

I had a bf at a similar age who was not violent like this boy but was quite controlling and used to threaten suicide if I left him. In the end I walked away and said ok just do it then which he didn't. I regretted the fact that this boy had made me lose my friends because I saw him so much.

Wish I could help more. He sounds like an absolute sh*t.

[flow4]

This is the government website raising awareness about abuse in teenage relationships: thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

[EffieM]

Sounds a lot like the relationship I was in from 16 to 21. It only ended when he left me, I ended it several times but he did whatever it took for me to back down and take him back.
Looking back, I think he had such control because I had no self worth and thought he was the best I could get. Of course, he also made sure I blamed myself for all the problems in our relationship. Anything you can do to make her realise her good points might give her the strength to break out of the cycle. It was actually work colleagues whose poor opinion of him made more of an impact on me than my own family's disapproval. Such a familiar story that so many people go through but never speak out.

[tez39]

Thank you everyone for your words and advice. This is the first chance i've had to come on here and read ur comments. The night I posted this my DD never came home I reported her missing to the Police although I knew she was probably with him. Her phone was off, his phone was off, his mum wouldnt answer her phone, the Police went round the house was in darkness, anyway I got a phone call at 3am in the morning off my DD crying her eyes out telling me she was sorry and that she wanted to come home. I called the Police who went and got her and brought her home, we talked for hours, she told me that she went to his house as he wanted to talk, they argued, he put a knife to himself saying he would kill himself then ran out of the house and locked my DD in, she was too scared to move she said she needed to wait for him to get back so she could make sure he didnt do anything to hurt himself.

Since that night, she has not contacted him (he has her), seen him and is taking each day at a time. I know we have a long road ahead of us, she is currently undergoing counselling and we seem to be getting more smiles each day. I have since informed the police of everything and they are going to be speaking to him and his mother. I have tried speaking to his mother myself but it pains me to say this she really isn't interested in what he does!

My DD is in the last few months of her schooling and has her final exams in June, she is now trying really hard to catch up on everything so she gets her gcse's!

Thank you all for your advice, I have a lot of professionals involved trying to help my DD but none of my friends have gone through anything like this with their children so for me I really needed to talk with others that were or had experienced the same kind of problems. I like to think of myself as a good mother but in this situation I really felt like I was failing my dd. Hopefully things will start to go forwards now and she gets better :) xxx

[TheBrocoliIsStillRaw]

Glad she is home Tez it will be a long road but my families support really got me through. Remind her every day how beautiful and brilliant she is and slowely but surely you and she will get there and be all the stronger for it.